Incoherent Mutterings

Dear Patriots,

Just fuck you guys. I can’t count on you to do shit right. Still. Oh yeah, your defense didn’t have me at negative points. I got a whopping 0. Fuck you guys. Fuck your QB. Fuck your dynasty. Fuck anybody even tangentially involved with you fucksticks.

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Fucking hell, ‘Zeke! You don’t give up on a play! Not when you’re only in your second season. WTF, man! This ain’t the Browns. I’d understand if it were. Y’all need to play like it was last season. Get out of your heads and just play.

Dear Houston Texans,

I got nothing. Jesus shit.

Dear WordPress,

Why are my posts fucked up? FIX IT! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!

Dear New England Fuck You Patriots,

You are now officially the Cowboys. Why? I can’t trust you fuck nuggets to do anything you’re supposed to. What happened? Well, let’s see…

1. I started the Pats defense
2. I sat Amendola
3. I picked the Pats to win in Eliminator because it’s fucking week one, wtf.

This resulted in -2 points. -2.

Eat a sack of infected snail genitals.

There was NFL football last night.

After a long NHL season (GO PENS!), a summer of drone racing, drag car racing, funny car racing, full blown rugby, sweet lord, Canadian Football, avoiding any and all baseball, there was actual NFL on the TV.

And I was bored.

Fuck me running, I now understand why people bitch about the speed. NFL is. So. Sllllooooowwwww. So. Many. Stoppages. I was screaming “SNAP THE GODDAMN BALL” in the first quarter of the first preseason game of the season.

Sweet Jesus, it’s been a long fucking offseason. I have been away from football for so long that legit asked out loud “Huh, they shorten the quarters for the HOF game?” No, dumbass. It’s always been 15 minutes, not 20. I went to fast forward through halftime and was confused when the game came back in 15 minutes, not 30.

Y’all. I ain’t gonna make it to February.

Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,

The fuck was that? The fuck? THE FUCK???? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK WAS THAT?

Dear Houston Texans,

The fuck was that? The fuck? THE FUCK???? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK WAS THAT? HOW??? HOW?????????? AND YOU BROKE J.J. WATT! GODDAMMIT!

Dear Oakland Raiders,

Keep on keepin’ on.

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Dez Bryant is not my fault. I’m actually rather proud of Dak. I’m surprised and thrilled that a rookie is playing as well as he is. He seems really professional and ready for this level of play. Good job, Dak. Eat a bag of dicks, Jerry.

Okay, look. I am not a Cowboys fan anymore. I haven’t been in a while. I squee in delight when they completely screw up a game due to their own ineptitude. I cackle with glee when they blow a huge lead in a way that only the Cowboys can do. I even feel their suckage leaks over into the Dallas Stars at times. It’s all fun and games to me. Something to yell at on a Sunday. But it’s not because of their playing, it’s because Jerry Jones is the goddamn devil. I hate him so much and it galls me that that fucker got nominated to the NFL HOF. “Oh he got 3 rings!” The fuck he did. Jerry had NOTHING to do with those wins and you know it. He’s horrible. He’s a cancer. He’s worse than Stan Kroenke (Rams owner). Stan Kroenke aspires to be as low down and scummy as Jerry. Got it? Okay.

Dear Antonio Ramiro “Tony” Romo,

Please stop. Please. Can you not see that Jerry is trying is best to fucking kill you dead? Jerry gives no fucks about your glass bone disease. Because surely that’s what it is, right? That or you need a shit load more calcium in your diet. Osteoporosis is not just for old women. I mean, come on. That fucker rushed you back out on to the field before you were ready. The season was done. We could have just said “well, fuck, do better next year, keep our EXPENSIVE AS FUCK quarterback healthy.” But nooooo. Because the NFC East is a goddamned dumpster fire, even with a shitty ass record there was still a chance for playoffs (PLAYOFFS?? DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT PLAYOFFS!) so Jerry in his infinite “wisdom” said “GET ROMO THE FUCK BACK OUT THERE NOW! RIP THAT IV OUT AND GET HIM IN THE HUDDLE! YEEHAW!” and you all jumped to do his bidding. Now look at you.

Jesus Christ, man, you have kids! Don’t you want to live to see them grow up? At this rate, you won’t live to see them potty trained! I’m telling you this as a fan of yours, please. Get out. This is a toxic relationship. It will not end well. Go play golf, play with your kids, make “crownies“. Shit, take up rugby. It can’t be as devastating to your body as Jerry Jones.

Dear Texans,

*stare*

Dear Steelers players and staff,

What the shit was that? You all need a good ass whuppin’ for that ludicrous display. You do not celebrate an injury. YOU DO NOT CELEBRATE AN INJURY. Your coaches should not fight the opposing players. YOUR COACHES SHOULD NOT FIGHT OPPOSING PLAYERS.

Dear Bengals players and staff,

What the shit was that? You all need a good ass whuppin’ for that ludicrous display.

Dear Bengals fans,

You do not throw shit at the opposing players. YOU DO NOT THROW SHIT AT OPPOSING PLAYERS. You are not Eagles fans. What the Christ is wrong with you? You gonna throw batteries at Santa next?!??! Come on, man. You’re better than that. You are not Eagles fans. YOU ARE NOT EAGLES FANS.

Dear Vikings,

I swear to shit, if we end up with another fucking Patriots-Seahawks superbowl, I am blaming you. A fucking 27 yard FG? On your home field? No excuse.

*ahem*

Fuck This, Fuck That, Fuck Those In Particular

Thank you.