Category: TMYK


A week ago I noticed a lump under my tongue. It wasn’t painful if left alone, but it existed and it bothered me. If I ate, it got sore like an over exercised muscle. I poked at it and just made it hurt worse. What the hell could this be?

TO THE INTERNET! *whooosh*

First I asked The Google “lump under tongue.” Don’t do that. One of the first links was “Salivary Gland Diseases and Tumors.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Once that panic was over, realized that it was probably a blocked salivary gland. They happen. Not often, but they do. That calmed me down some. But in the back of my mind all I could think of was “CANCER! TUMOR! A BIT OF ABSORBED TWIN!”

I looked back at the last couple of weeks to see if something had changed. Well, I made a lovely (if dry) lamb’s liver pate. Was it an allergic reaction (oh god no. I love me some liver)? Well what. I don’t DO anything, I hadn’t speared the underside of my tongue with a mini trident, what the hell. Ah, it wasn’t what I DID it’s what I didn’t do.

I haven’t been thirsty. I haven’t been drinking hardly at all with my meals and I certainly hadn’t been drinking while sitting at my desk. Why? Fuck if I know. I just didn’t want to drink.

So, working on the assumption that what I had was a simple blocked gland, I made a point to drink a bit more, eat sour candies to stimulate the saliva and even went so far as to squish that sack of whatever to push out the blockage. Don’t. Don’t do that last one. That shit HURTS.

Saturday afternoon:
So, I went to the doctor that following Saturday. Where I was told 1) she had never seen anything like this before and 2) you don’t have salivary glands under your tongue. Oh really? Then what is a sublingual gland? *eyeroll* I walked out of there with a prescription for a lidocane gargle and a referral to an ENT doc.

Yes. Lidocane gargle. Lidocane, a numbing agent. Gargle, “to wash one’s mouth and throat with a liquid kept in motion by exhaling through it.” These things do not go together. You don’t want to gargle with this. And you certainly don’t want to swallow it. It’s a numbing agent. Meaning, if something goes down your throat, you can’t feel it and you could choke. Why are these two words together?!??! In any case, I filled it, but didn’t use it because it just stopped hurting. And it got smaller and firmer, which freaked me the fuck out. My appointment with the ENT wasn’t until Thursday. Leaving me a plethora of days to freak out about this stupid ass lump.

Finally, it was Thursday. See the doc, open wide, he pokes and prods and says “you been drinking your fluids?” “nope.” “Welp, that’s it. You have a blocked salivary gland. We’ll numb you up, try to push it through, but if we can’t, we’ll fish mouth it.” Do you know what that means? Think for a second how a fish opens it’s mouth. Yeah. he meant “cut a slit and push it out.” I’m okay with that, but the term “fish mouth”. Ew. Now I knew for sure what it was but I still had to wait until the next MONDAY (yesterday) to actually have it done.

I arrive bright and early (11am). They sit me in a chair and hand me some lidocane (cannot seem to get away from this stuff) to numb the area for the shot. That shot. Best shit ever. I didn’t feel a damn thing. At all. I didn’t feel the shit, the cutting, the digging, the probing, nothing. The most I felt was pulling. Like he had the stone and it wouldn’t come out. Oh I didn’t mention that? The blockage was a stone. Like a kidney stone but waaaaay less painful. Yes, you can get these in your salivary glands. 30 minutes, two stitches, three stones. No I didn’t get to keep them.

Once I was done, that’s when it began to hurt. Almost as if someone had been cutting into my mouth! It was sore, it ached and ached all along my jawline. By the time I got to a bottle of Tylenol, I was ready to punch someone. Tylenol worked. Then it wore off a few hours later. Then I took another dose. I didn’t even notice the second dose wearing off. How awesome is that. Mouth heals incredibly fast.

So, what have we learned from all this?
–You can get stones in your salivary glands
–Your mouth heals very fast

WindowsUpdate_80243004 error


  • You’re running Windows update for Windows 7 or Windows 2008 R2 (I ran into this with Windows 7 after a year of no updates.)
  • You see that the update has failed with error 80243004.
  • Your notifications area is abnormally large

How to Fix:

Weird fix for a common problem.

For the men…

I’m about to tell you something that you probably don’t want to know and something that hot, sexy women REALLY don’t want you to know. Because it is a source of shame for some, “meh” for others. Are you ready? No, no. Don’t click away to another page. It’s not *that* bad. It’s just a little disturbing. Okay. Here we go:

Women have hair all over their bodies.

Yeah, see. it wasn’t so bad. Here’s where the scarring begins: women have hair on their faces. Not just the babyfine hairs on our cheeks and faces. I mean whiskers. Yes. Whiskers. Like you guys get. As women get older (and some get them early), we grow thick, bothersome hairs on our chinny chin chins. Somewhere deep in your psyche you know this. Why? Because you’ve had to give grandma a kiss and you saw that hair up close and personal. But you were a kid and blocked it out perhaps. Surely only grandmas get those. Oh NO NO NO. Vibrant young women gets these goddamn things. Shit, some women have a beard that must be shaved, for fucks sake. And let me tell you, there’s nothing like rubbing your face and feeling a rough, wiry hair or two on your otherwise baby’s-butt soft, womanly face. That growing sense of “Oh shit! Can anyone see this MONSTROUS TENTACLE-LIKE thing just WAVING to any and all who DARE look in my direction? Why did no one tell me this HORRIBLE ABOMINATION was just sitting there, LURKING there, ready to reach out and strangle someone?” Then comes the constant rubbing of it because you JUST CAN’T LEAVE IT ALONE because you have no tweezers with which to pluck this unsightly blemish on your visage. Perhaps you eventually run to the ladies room to get a close up on this interloper and you begin to pluck at it with your fingernails. You pluck and pull, never yanking because that just causes the hair to snap. Oh no, you want to pull this fucker out and get the root too. Finally, FINALLY you get it and look down to scream your triumph over this thing which must surely be 3–nay 4–4 inches long to find…it’s maybe a quarter inch long in its fondest hairy dreams. And no one had any idea until you walk out of the ladies room and people ask “why is your chin so red?”


So there you go, guys. Chicks have hair. And those tweezers ain’t just for eyebrows*.

*I have never in my life plucked my eyebrows and have never needed to. Suck it, you hot, skinny bitches!