Category: football

Open Letters To The NFL 2017: Week 2

Dear Patriots,

Just fuck you guys. I can’t count on you to do shit right. Still. Oh yeah, your defense didn’t have me at negative points. I got a whopping 0. Fuck you guys. Fuck your QB. Fuck your dynasty. Fuck anybody even tangentially involved with you fucksticks.

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Fucking hell, ‘Zeke! You don’t give up on a play! Not when you’re only in your second season. WTF, man! This ain’t the Browns. I’d understand if it were. Y’all need to play like it was last season. Get out of your heads and just play.

Dear Houston Texans,

I got nothing. Jesus shit.

Open Letters to the NFL: 2017 Week One, Game One

Dear WordPress,

Why are my posts fucked up? FIX IT! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT!

Dear New England Fuck You Patriots,

You are now officially the Cowboys. Why? I can’t trust you fuck nuggets to do anything you’re supposed to. What happened? Well, let’s see…

  1. I started the Pats defense
  2. I sat Amendola
  3. I picked the Pats to win in Eliminator because it’s fucking week one, wtf.

This resulted in -2 points. -2.

Eat a sack of infected snail genitals.

Here Again

There was NFL football last night.

After a long NHL season (GO PENS!), a summer of drone racing, drag car racing, funny car racing, full blown rugby, sweet lord, Canadian Football, avoiding any and all baseball, there was actual NFL on the TV.

And I was bored.

Fuck me running, I now understand why people bitch about the speed. NFL is. So. Sllllooooowwwww. So. Many. Stoppages. I was screaming “SNAP THE GODDAMN BALL” in the first quarter of the first preseason game of the season.

Sweet Jesus, it’s been a long fucking offseason. I have been away from football for so long that legit asked out loud “Huh, they shorten the quarters for the HOF game?” No, dumbass. It’s always been 15 minutes, not 20. I went to fast forward through halftime and was confused when the game came back in 15 minutes, not 30.

Y’all. I ain’tĀ gonna make it to February.

Open Letter: NFL Week Three

Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,

The fuck was that? The fuck? THE FUCK???? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK WAS THAT?


Dear Houston Texans,



Dear Oakland Raiders,

Keep on keepin’ on.


Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Dez Bryant is not my fault. I’m actually rather proud of Dak. I’m surprised and thrilled that a rookie is playing as well as he is. He seems really professional and ready for this level of play. Good job, Dak. Eat a bag of dicks, Jerry.

NFL Preseason Week The Last: More On The Cowboys Because Reasons

Okay, look. I am not a Cowboys fan anymore. I haven’t been in a while. I squee in delight when they completely screw up a game due to their own ineptitude. I cackle with glee when they blow a huge lead in a way that only the Cowboys can do. I even feel their suckage leaks over into the Dallas Stars at times. It’s all fun and games to me. Something to yell at on a Sunday. But it’s not because of their playing, it’s because Jerry Jones is the goddamn devil. I hate him so much and it galls me that that fucker got nominated to the NFL HOF. “Oh he got 3 rings!” The fuck he did. Jerry had NOTHING to do with those wins and you know it. He’s horrible. He’s a cancer. He’s worse than Stan Kroenke (Rams owner). Stan Kroenke aspires to be as low down and scummy as Jerry. Got it? Okay.

That said, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE LET TONY ROMO GO! I want that man to live. He has kids! He deserves to live a life free of Jerry’s obvious attempts to kill him! I love me some Romo. I really do. I think he’s a great QB ON LITERALLY ANY OTHER TEAM THAN THE COWBOYS.

Sean Lee, JESUS CHRIST PLEASE DON’T KILL HIM, TOO. Just let Witten, Lee, and Romo fly away to better lives. Please. I can’t take watching two of them injured in the most crushing way possible, leaving Witten alone, with no one to throw to him.

NFL Preseason 2016: Who Fucking Knows What Week

DearĀ Antonio Ramiro “Tony” Romo,

Please stop. Please. Can you not see that Jerry is trying is best to fucking kill you dead? Jerry gives no fucks about your glass bone disease. Because surely that’s what it is, right? That or you need a shit load more calcium in your diet. Osteoporosis is not just for old women. I mean, come on. That fucker rushed you back out on to the field before you were ready. The season was done. We could have just said “well, fuck, do better next year, keep our EXPENSIVE AS FUCK quarterback healthy.” But nooooo. Because the NFC East is a goddamned dumpster fire, even with a shitty ass record there was still a chance for playoffs (PLAYOFFS?? DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT PLAYOFFS!) so Jerry in his infinite “wisdom” said “GET ROMO THE FUCK BACK OUT THERE NOW! RIP THAT IV OUT AND GET HIM IN THE HUDDLE! YEEHAW!” and you all jumped to do his bidding. Now look at you.

Jesus Christ, man, you have kids! Don’t you want to live to see them grow up? At this rate, you won’t live to see them potty trained! I’m telling you this as a fan of yours, please. Get out. This is a toxic relationship. It will not end well. Go play golf, play with your kids, make “crownies“. Shit, take up rugby. It can’t be as devastating to your body as Jerry Jones.

Open Letters: NFL Wild Card Weekend 2015

Dear Texans,



Dear Steelers players and staff,

What the shit was that? You all need a good ass whuppin’ for that ludicrous display. You do not celebrate an injury. YOU DO NOT CELEBRATE AN INJURY. Your coaches should not fight the opposing players. YOUR COACHES SHOULD NOT FIGHT OPPOSING PLAYERS.


Dear Bengals players and staff,

What the shit was that? You all need a good ass whuppin’ for that ludicrous display.


Dear Bengals fans,

You do not throw shit at the opposing players. YOU DO NOT THROW SHIT AT OPPOSING PLAYERS. You are not Eagles fans. What the Christ is wrong with you? You gonna throw batteries at Santa next?!??! Come on, man. You’re better than that. You are not Eagles fans. YOU ARE NOT EAGLES FANS.


Dear Vikings,

I swear to shit, if we end up with another fucking Patriots-Seahawks superbowl, I am blaming you. A fucking 27 yard FG? On your home field? No excuse.

The Sad State Of My Fantasy Football Teams 2015


Fuck This, Fuck That, Fuck Those In Particular

Thank you.

Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week 13

Dear Detroit Lions,

What the fuck, guys. That was some Cowboys level shit. 20 point lead. Gone.

*slow clap* Congrats.


Dear Green Bay Packers,

“Can you feel a brand new day? Can you feel a brand new day!”

Probably very appropriate that The Wiz was playing opposite you.

Fuck me running. I cannot believe I saw that. There’s no way that happened.

Congrats, guys!

Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week I have no idea fuck all of it

Dear Cowboys,

Fuck. Just….fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


Dear Tony Romo,

Oh God please don’t die on the field.


Dear No Longer Undefeated New England Patriots,



Dear Tom Brady,



Dear Brock-Lobster Osweiler (I think Brockingjay is more appropriate),

I don’t know who you are, pretty sure I didn’t even spell your name correctly, but I see that you have a particular set of skills. Skills that I am looking forward to you using every season vs the Patriots. Please continue.


Dear Fantasy Football and The NFL In General,

I’m done. Fuck it. When I’m complaining that I shoulda put in Matthew Stafford over Romo and Manning (Peyton, not Eli, and earlier in the season) then something is completely fucked.