Category: entertainment

Dear Nerds….

Dear nerds, geeks, dweebs, etc,

Let me start out by saying: I do not give two tugs of a fetid dingo’s kidney about The new Star Wars movie.

Y’all done? Y’all done howling for my blood?

Lemme explain.

I saw the original trilogy. I saw the re-released original trilogy. I was old enough to live through the original trilogy. I saw parts of the first two of the new set and all of Revenge of the Sith. I know Han shot first. I am appalled at the remastered, re-kigiggered fucked up CGI versions of the original trilogy. Blah,blah, blah. Over the years (decades), I came to a realization. I am not ‘Wars.

I am Trek.

Y’all done?

I am firmly Star Trek. I can’t even tell you why. It came as a blow to Aelerelean when I told him the news. I am sure if we had discussed this early on in our relationship, it would not have lasted these 13 years. But now that my secret (my shame?) is out in the open, it is too late to turn back. He must grudgingly accept that I am not absolutely losing my shit over The Force Awakens.

In fact, I am so not losing my shit that I actually dreaded the new trilogy. Why? Leave. Shit. Alone. Harrison Ford is SEVENTY THREE MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OLD. Now, I love me some Harrison Ford. But shit, guys, he’s had a full career. He’s not (just) Han to me. He’s just Harrison Fucking Ford. It’s great that he wanted to come back. That’s awesome. BUT HE’S 73!!!!! He will be Han Solo, a SEVENTY-THREE YEAR OLD MANCHILD.

Do you want to remember Han like this:

Or like this?

Okay, wait. Bad example. Because, um, 73 year old Han is pretty fucking hot.


Anyway, I’m not losing my shit over this movie because it’s Star Wars. That said, I saw the new trailer, and it looks fantastic. It looks like it’s gonna be a great movie. I’m looking forward to seeing (eventually) a great movie, not seeing “ZOMG STAR WARS”.



The Hunt Begins….

Sunday night, ABC aired a Schoolhouse Rock special to celebrate it’s 40th anniversary. It got me thinking. Where in the hell is my disc 1? I own the 30th anniversary dvd set. Bought it….10 years ago. And the first disc has disappeared. It’s gotta be somewhere in the house, somewhere in my office. Welp. Let’s get looking!


Hrm. Not in this box of unmarked discs and cases!

All that’s left to do is search every other case on my shelf. In this digital age, it shouldn’t take too long…


Song of the Summer I Will Soon Grow To Hate But Kinda Love For Now

I’m all about that bass, baby.

I can’t see that voice coming out of that person, but she’s pretty good. I like it.

What the hell, Hollywood

I have been waiting for a Batman Superman movie since 2007. Why 2007? Because that was when I Am Legend came out. In I Am Legend There was a giant marquee that showed both the Batman symbol and the Superman crest. The date under it said 2012. I was beyond excited. It was one of the best things about I Am Legend. When I came back to work from the weekend, I put a reminder in Outlook for the first Friday in May. I was convinced that this was a brilliant way to tease a movie. Convinced, I tell you!

Well the 2012 blockbuster season came and went with no Bats vs Supes movie. I was sad. Even more sad because in the interim we got, ugh, Superman Returns. This season we got The Man of Steel. Still not the movie I wanted. But! There was a ray of hope! The movie got announced at Comic Con! OH HAPPY DAY! Granted it wasn’t coming out until 2015, but that’s okay! I was finally getting my movie! The current Superman (holy shit that dude is RIPPED) would be cast (awesome) but who would be Batman? Christian Bale was done. He did his 3 pictures and is out. Who would take his place? We all wondered, we all gave our opinions on who should be next.

Then, the rumor came: Christian Bale was offered $50 million to come back. Wheee! Batman for this movie was supposed to be an older grizzled “I’m about to kill a motherfucker” Batman. Bale can be crotchety enough to pull this off. Fucking. Sweet. Oh, it was a just a bad rumor. Well, okay. I guess they can find someone closer.

Then the official news came out.

Ben Affleck.

Ben. Affleck.

Motherfucking Ben Son of a Bitch Affleck.

Who. In the Fuck. Thought. Affleck. Is an. Acceptable. Batman?


Is this the face of Batman?? HELL FUCK NO!

Look at him! Look at the smug, Clooney-faced bastard!

How, Hollywood? How could you do this to me? I’ve been waiting for this movie since 2007. This was supposed to be so fucking awesome. And you do this to me.

This has got to be some sort of elaborate troll. You can’t really believe this is a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, Affleck is pretty good. Argo was phenomenal. He’s paid his dues (Gigli), he’s done good work (Argo), but BATMAN?!?!? Holy shitballs no.

You just broke my superhero-loving heart.

Thanks a lot, Hollywood.

Open Letters: Grammy edition

Dear Prince,

Oh God I still love you. Please get whatever surgery you need so I can see you perform one more time. Wow that sounded selfish.

Dear fun.,

You…do not suck. I’m sorry I judged you based on “We Are Young.” But come on. Cut me some slack. That goddamn song gets so much play. I hear it several times a day…AND I DON’T LISTEN TO THE RADIO. I blame Taco Bell. So yeah. I got your album. First track sounds like Queen. You have won my musical heart.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

Why. Why did you have to come from a boy band? A boy band not from my generation? This made me insta-hate you and any music you produce. But then you did SNL. Several times. I grew to not despise you. Interesting acting roles? I grew to actually like you a little. That performance last night? While it seemed a little rocky at first (felt disjointed) I think you finally got me. I am actually going to buy *gasp* you next release.

PS, keep working with the Lonely Island guys, please?


Dear Taylor Swift,

I am sooooooo not your target demographic.


Dear Janelle Monae,


BBC America Has Got To Change

I work with a  group of developers in the UK. They’re a pretty decent group of guys. When the Queen’s Jubilee celebrations hit, they had a couple days holiday. They did not tell me why they would be out. Just “Bank holiday.” When they got back, they had a brief chat about it before our meeting started. One of the guys started to explain why they were out. “Oh I know. They showed some of it here on BBC America.” They were alittle surprised but before we could talk about it further, the real meeting had begun.

What I wanted to tell them that in the beginning, BBC America was pretty neat! It was the one place you could see some UK programming during the week instead of having to rely on your local PBS station on the weekends. However, this has changed. A lot.

Someone completely unfamiliar with the UK and the BBC would, upon watching a single week’s programming on BBC America, assume that all Brits watch Top Gear and Dr. Who. Seriously, have you looked at the schedule? Top Gear all goddamned day whenever they have more than 3 hours to fill. Dr. Who on the weekends. Oh wait, there is some variety! Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay! Ramsay who has two (or is it three shows now) shows on Fox as well. Fuck me running, I am sick of Gordon Ramsay! And if that’s not enough, they also air reruns of AMERICAN SCI-FI SHOWS! Why in the everloving fuck would you air Battlestar Galactica (I know, Jamie Bamber is a Brit) and X-files on BBC America of all places? Like the rest of the American channels, this one has gone down the shitter and shows the same crap every fucking day. Why is this station so horrible? Why do they think we care about a 9 year old episode of Top Gear? Holy shit, how long has Top Gear been on the air? I mean, I like the show, but fuck, show something else!

“Oh but they did the run of Sherlock!” Yes. Once. Now it’s on PBS and DVD. “Well what about Primeval?” SyFy picked it up and I stopped watching. “Being Human?” There’s an American version of it. I refuse to watch it on general principle. But my god, is there NOTHING left to show?

What about QI? Doesn’t that have enough episodes to run to death here? And what about…*checks BBC website* Um…Well there’s…Shit. There’s nothing else on any of the BBC networks that I would really want to see. You have The Voice (UGH), you’re still running Weakest Link (really?), you have shit wedding shows, something that looks suspiciously like the game Fuck, Marry, Kill but you actually made a show of it (what?), and God help us all you’ve got “Family Guy” and “American Dad” every night. And what in the blue fuck is “Young, Dumb, and Living Off Mum”? Is that what I think it is? *checks info* Fuuuuuck.

I’m sorry, guys. I started out bitching that BBC America was giving us crap shows, refusing to show anything good. Oh Lordy, Lordy. While I wish they’d show something else to diversify this “All Top Gear, All The Time” programming, I see now that this is somewhat better than the alternative. I understand now why Sky is so successful. Your tv is just as shit as ours. And then we had the nerve to give you even more of our shit.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t know.


The art which we call cinema

Hollywood blows. Why does it blow? Because we–the viewing public–keep telling Hollywood we like crap. Now, I like summer crap. Explosions, buckets of blood, brutal fight scenes, aliens, zombies. I love the shit out of it during the summer. And it’s even better when a movie knows what it is. What am I talking about? Take the A-Team for example. That was fun. hey didn’t try to be a deep movie. It didn’t have some underlying moral, something to think about message. It was a movie based on an 80’s TV show. They flew a tank, for Christ’s sake. Piranha 3D was a pile of crap. But it owned up to being crap. I can respect that. What isn’t owning up to what it really is?

Real Steel.

Hugh Jackman plays a human boxer who got dicked out of being a champ when robots replaced humans in the boxing ring. Now, with the help of a darling little kid, he has a chance to regain his former glory, blah, blah, heartwarming scene, blah blah, kid in peril, blah blah, robots. Sounds interesting, right? But think about it. Robots. In a boxing ring. With humans controlling them. If you’re in your 30’s or older, you know exactly what this is. If you’re some punk ass kid (get OFF MY LAWN!) I’ll spell it out for you. Rock ’em Sock’em Robots. No really. They even have a scene in the trailer where one robot upper cuts another one and his motherfucking head flies off. THAT WAS THE POINT OF THE GAME! THAT’S HOW YOU WIN! Jesus H Christ. You can be a crap movie based on a kid’s toy all you want, but don’t try to pretend you’re something else.

And on that note, what’s with the Conan hate? YOU WENT TO SEE A CONAN MOVIE. You knew exactly what you were getting! It’s Conan! There’s nothing deep or mysterious about a goddamn barbarian. Okay, Jason Momoa is not the best actor, but holy shit, preferring Arnold to him? Really? Jason did his job: he kicked ass, ordered women around, and got laid. What more do you need? Oh, what, there was too much talking, too much dialog? Well. Okay. I give you that. But think of it like an origin story. For those poor souls who have never heard of Conan.

Wait. No. Fuck them. All they needed to know was in the title: Conan the Barbarian. There. No real backstory needed. But seriously. It was a movie about a barbarian. It wasn’t going to be Shakespeare. Conan knew what it was and it delivered predictably. 2 hours and 10 minutes of brutal killing, blood spurting with every hit, some super-cut toned male running around doing his thing, and tittays. In short, it was a goddamn Conan movie.

Can I be comics bi-curious?

I am not a big comic book person. I don’t spend mad phat bucks on single issues the minute they come out, I don’t follow what reboot this character is getting or who died or who wrote what. I will read trades if T.R. (our resident Comic Book Guy, but much less grumpy) recommends them and hell, tv was my bestest friend in the whole wide world when I was a kid (we still keep in close contact) so I know the bigger superheroes.

From the start I loved me some Superman. Christopher Reeve is my Superman. That’s who I grew up watching so he is *IT*. Batman? I was born after the Adam West days but a good decade and a half before Michael Keaton donned the cape. So it’s a mix of the two. I think Keaton did a pretty good job being all dark and broody and West was just flat out hilarious. Wonder Woman during the afternoons…okay it kinda sucked. Even at a young age she was not the best superhero, but I still watched it. Spiderman was some lame ass comic in the Sunday paper. Christ how I hated that emo jackass. “Oh poor me!” Yeah, poor you with fucking superpowers. And Friday nights was Hulk time! But again, bad shit always had to happen to Banner. I couldn’t understand why Batman and Supes could be all badass but Spidey and Hulk had all this retarded drama around them. Then I learned that there were two superhero factions: DC and Marvel.

All the badass motherfuckers? DC. All the pussy ass drama mongers? Marvel. Well, fuck a big load of Marvel. I proclaimed myself a DC girl and nothing could sway me. “Oh the Hulk can go all HULK SMASH? Big deal. He doesn’t have cool ass toys like Batman! His villains are nothing like The Joker.”

For years, I loved on DC. I even defended Aquaman. AQUAMAN. He talks to fish, for corn’s sake. It was about this time I started paying attention to the movies. Hollywood has tried time and time again to make successful superhero movies but only because one character was popular at the time. It wasn’t the Golden Age of Geek, it was “hey kids seem to like this dude in tights.” If we look back at all (according to Wikipedia at least) of these movies, you can start to see why I thought DC was the end all be all and why they totally suck now.

1966-1988: DC (Fox, Warner Bros. Embassy Pictures) had the first of many (many, many) Batman movies (Adam West!), 4 Superman movies, 1 Swamp Thing, and a Supergirl (yay!) movie.
1944-1985: Marvel (Republic Pictures) had the Captain America serial.
Advantage: DC all up in this bitch. Now, should this count? Captain America was a serial–a tv show sorta on the big screen–in 1944 then nothing until 1986. Not a goddamn thing until Howard the Duck in 1986. Whereas DC had 7 movies, a pilot for the Superman serial and a government sponsored film for public domain use.

1989-1997: DC (Warner Bros.) released the four Batman movies (I know, I know, two really sucked), Return of the Swamp Thing and something called Steel.
1986-1994 (pre Marvel Studios): Howard the fucking Duck, The Punisher, and a direct to video Captain America that I believe they recently showed on SyFy.
Advantage: DC barely for the win. Really? You’re gonna put Batman up against a horny alternate universe duck? And DC, what the fuck? Steel? They just wanted to put Shaq in a movie. This right here is what I was talking about earlier. “Shaq is popular. Let’s make a movie about Steel and put him in it!” This was during that Superman is dead thing that had people losing their shit. Over a comic. It was a stupid idea anyway.

So now DC has established dominance in the box office. Sorta. George Clooney, Val Kilmer (seriously?), Shaq and Ah-nold almost fucked that up. DC sits on their hands for a bit. Marvel goes “Hey, let’s do something awesome since our parent company just got sold. Let’s make our own studio!” Well…there’s a lot of legal and business drama that went on (including an almost bankruptcy) but it worked. They got their own studio and more importantly CONTROL. What came out of this?

1998-2003: Motherfucking Blade, X-Men, Blade II, Spider-Man, Daredevil, X2, Hulk (Eric Bana type)
Advantage: Marvel. Not only did they have box office magic, they proved that you can make blockbuster movies out of not so well known comics. I had never heard of Daredevil or Blade. Blade was a cool take on vampires as far as I was concerned. And Daredevil…well, let’s not go there. And I used to watch X-Men as a Saturday morning cartoon. MY MOM would get upset if she missed it, so X-Men was pretty known outside of comic readers. And yeah, I’ll say it: Hugh Jackman is fucking hot as Wolverine.

Now DC wakes up and goes “ah shit! hot ass mutants took our box office share!” Also during this time we heard rumors of a Superman reboot. And the rumors are fucking horrid. Nicolas Cage as Superman, numerous writers who when they started working with the producer just up and said “oh fuck you dude, I’m Audi 5000”. See, the producer at the time was Jon Peters. He wanted lovely shit like: “Superman could not be seen flying, couldn’t wear the classic costume (Peters insisted on a black suit) and somehow, someway, had to fight a giant spider at the end. What was the reasoning behind changing Superman’s costume, you ask? Peters thought the classic blue-and-red outfit looked “too faggy.” ” ( There was also talk of a gay sidekick robot, having Braniac (the villain) to punch polar bears. Because fuck polar bears…I guess. There’s tons more, but that was enough to make anyone who had even seen the letter “S” written in red go “Oh God no!” An entire world wept.

2004-2012: DC releases/will release Catwoman (yes. that one.), the Christian Bale Batman Trilogy, Superman Returns, Watchmen, Jonah Hex, and Green Lantern.
2004-2012: Marvel releases/will release The Punisher, Spider-Man 2, Blade: Trinity, Elektra, Man-Thing (outside of the US), Fantastic Four, X-Men: Last Stand, Ghost Rider, Spider-Man 3, Fantastic Four: Silver Surfer, Iron Fucking Man, The Incredible Hulk (Edward Norton type), Punisher: War Zone, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Iron Man 2, Thor, X-Men: First Class, Captain Goddamn America: The First Avenger, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, The Avengers, The Amazing Spiderman.
Advantage: Marvel. So very much Marvel. So much Marvel that I think they just slapped my momma. Now, there are some turds in this list, surely. But the diamonds far outweigh the crap. Why, why, why are you rebooting Spiderman this soon? And X-men: Origins was a good idea, but poor execution; although I do have a new respect for Liev Schreiber’s hot ass. And I mean, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance? Why, God, why? Quote from Aelerelean: “Because they don’t have all the money?” I’d have to agree. They want ALL the money. And by Odin, they’re gonna get it. Because see, unlike DC, there’s a fucking running theme to some of these movies. Marvel *gasp* PLANNED AHEAD. “Hey, here’s a Hulk. Hrm, that didn’t really work. Try this Hulk. Eh, we’ll figure it out. In the meantime, have some Iron Man. Like that? Have another. Oh and welcome Thor! You comics guys know where we’re going with this right? Oh by the way, have The Avengers with all these characters we just introduced over the short years in one big ass movie. Yes, you may kiss our ring.” Yes. They THOUGHT THIS SHIT OUT.

What is DC doing? Rehashing Batman and Superman YET AGAIN. They seem to believe Bats and Supes is it. Yeah, they dropped Green Lantern this year (which was rather nice) and Watchmen was really something special. But they gotta branch out. 2013 brings us….another goddamn Superman movie. But it’s totally not a remake of the 1980 Superman II. Even though Zod is the villain in this one too. And Superman Returns (aka, Super Dead Beat Dad) was definitely not a remake of the 1978 one either. Just because Lex Luthor is pulling a land grab in this one too. Not at all. Christ, DC, get some new ideas. You could have PLANNED THE FUCK AHEAD like Marvel and had a set of movies leading up to a JLA (Justice League of America) movie! Or friggin’ Wonder Woman! Or Martian Manhunter! Or how about this, appeal to us black folks: Black Lightning. Oh, we’ll still think you’re pandering and that he’s a shit hero, but at least you will have tried. Ooh, or a buddy cop type movie with Aquaman and Black Manta. Think of all the undersea adventures they could go on.

I didn’t say I had good ideas. I don’t see YOU coming up with anything, DC.

I’ll tell you what, though, DC, if the fucking ANT MAN movie gets made before you come out with anything decent, I’m switching teams. I’ll do it, too. You know when I’ve dropped AT&T to willingly go back to Time Warner, I mean business.

P.S. And where in the FUCK is my Batman vs Superman movie hinted at on the marquee in I Am Legend??

Why we need an entertainment revolution

When was the last time you went to a movie theater? Like one of those big chain ones? Did you show up early to get a good seat or did you show up a bit later just in time to catch the opening or the trailers? I hate stumbling around in the dark looking for a seat, but I fucking hate “The Twenty” even more. Which leads to number 1:

1. Advertisements: Holy shit. Aside from spoiling every show and sometimes the goddamn movie you’re there to see, we are paying to be advertised to. I go to movies to NOT watch commercials, but here we sit, watching commercial after commercial. Because we’re a captive audience. Fuck that shit. Fuck it hard. I wanted so much to stand up and yell “This is bullshit! Why are we paying to see commercials and this horrible pre-show shit! We came here for a MOVIE, not to watch ad campaigns! Fight back! Demand to end this shit!” I would probably get pelted with $10 popcorn and $5 ICEEs.

2. Horrible goddamn movies: This article from GQ (of all places) gives us the skinny on what’s on store for 2011. “four adaptations of comic books. One prequel to an adaptation of a comic book. One sequel to a sequel to a movie based on a toy. One sequel to a sequel to a sequel to a movie based on an amusement-park ride. One prequel to a remake. Two sequels to cartoons. One sequel to a comedy. An adaptation of a children’s book. An adaptation of a Saturday-morning cartoon. One sequel with a 4 in the title. Two sequels with a 5  in the title. One sequel that, if it were inclined to use numbers, would have to have a 7 1/2 in the title.” Why? Is it Hollywood’s fault? Yeah, in the same way it’s a kid’s fault he’s overweight. The kid (kid in this case say 9 or 10 years old. old enough to know better) knows soda, pizza and candy are horrible for you but still stuffs his maw full of it because the parents don’t say “no” and won’t provide healthy options. In other words, we get shit because we’ve told Hollywood we want shit. If we stop watching shit, then the shit will stop being made. There’s two movies coming out that I couldn’t believe were real: Beastly and Red Riding Hood. Has it some to this? We need a Twilight-style Beauty and the Beast? We need Gary Oldman (possibly the ONLY person who can save this flick) in Red motherfucking Riding Hood? From the previews it might not be all that bad, there looks to be a dark twist. But Beastly? Fuck you. Fuck you and anyone who saw a sneak peek and said “OH MY GOD WE NEED THIS!” Hollywood is sitting on a bazillion scripts that could be awesome but apparently we as Americans don’t want it. We seemingly can’t watch a movie without shit blowing up, the plot spelled out exactly in Dick and Jane style (how many people do you know that couldn’t follow Inception?), or mind numbing situations?

3. Horrible TV: The writer’s strike of 1988 brought us the most foul of television shows: the reality show. Who needs writer’s? We’ll film real life, no script needed. And we ate that shit up. Come on, who didn’t rush to the TV when COPS came on, hoping to see somebody you knew? But it snowballed. America’s Most Wanted, America’s Funniest Home Videos, Incredible Sunday (formerly That’s Incredible!) were harmless enough but then we had shit like The Real World and Road Rules. This was the beginning of the end for MTV as far as I’m concerned. Look at your tv lineup now. What’s popular? A show about people trying to break into the music business. Why do we care? Because they let us vote for the next person to pump out shitty ass top 40 bullshit. Or celebrities giving a dance recital. Think about it! They learn, they rehearse and then they show off what they learned in what amounts to a recital. Only we get to tell them they suck. Well, shit, yeah they suck. This isn’t what they’re trained for! How is this entertainment?? And don’t even get me started on that Housewives of Wherever-the-fuck. So let me get this straight, instead of watching rich people act like pretend rich/poor people in unrealistic situations doing retarded shit (soap operas) we can watch ACTUAL rich people in slightly more realistic situations (that WE normal schmoes would never have) do retarded shit? Sign me the fuck up! Goddamn, this just burns my ass. Remember when celebrities were celebrities for a reason? Like, they had TALENT? Talent they had to practice and hone and get right? Not just pitch a fit or be a fucking douchebag on camera? I miss those days.

I’ll admit, I like a good brain dead “car go boom!” summer fun flick every so often or the occasional episode of Bridezillas (it’s like watching the Cowboys. I yell and scream and call them fucktarded). But this has become the rule and not the exception. We need to demand better entertainment. And that starts with NOT watching the bad shit and instead watching the good shit. We don’t all need to start watching Masterpiece Theatre (although, maybe we do if we want to keep PBS alive) or the 24/7 opera (Opera, not Oprah. and why in the blue fuck does SHE have a channel anyway???) channel. Just stop watch horrible tv and movies. If you get stuck in a bad movie, LEAVE AND DEMAND YOUR MONEY BACK. I wish I had done that during the Time Machine remake. Holy hell that was bad.

To sum up: STOP WATCHING HORRIBLE SHOWS AND MOVIES AND THEY (HOPEFULLY) WILL STOP MAKING THEM! Demand better films and television! Stop putting up with this utter shit! Be the kid who says to their parents “Hey mom, can I have an apple instead of an entire sleeve of cookies while I GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY?” And maybe, just maybe, Hollywood will be the parent who says “Sure, kid!” and will look past the Gogurt and buy real yogurt and toss the sugar saturated fruit-like snacks and purchase a real apple or banana or two.We’ll all be better for it.

Oh and Nicholas Cage? Please stop making movies. You are firmly on the post Dances With Wolves Kevin Costner path. But where his movies were just slow and boring, yours are just laughably horrid. I don’t know what happened to you, but it ain’t pretty. And never, ever, ever, ever, try a Texas accent ever again as long as you draw breath. Just…no.

Click Here To Feel Old and Unhip!

I was born in 1975, I grew up in the 80’s, I remember a lot of shit. I used to watch the Grammys and the American Music Awards every year (and the MTV Music Awards). One day I stopped. No reason, there was just better stuff on. One year I flipped over to see that I recognized very few of these children they called “artists”. Who were these damn kids and why the fuck won’t the get off my lawn? Last night, I noticed that the Grammys had awards for Album of the Year, Record of the Year (what?) and Song of the Year. I was confused. Very confused. Isn’t a record the same as an album? These fucking kids wouldn’t know a record if it bit them in the godddamn ass and then tweeted about it. Then I thought “maybe Record of the year means recording and it took the place of Song of the Year.” Then they announced song of the year and I grew even more confused and now angry. Because I was confused. It was past my bedtime and I don’t know what in the hell an Arcade Fire is or why they were sending viewers into seizures with their big ass strobe lights!

Anyway, I go to look up just what the hell is the difference between these awards. Fine, you lazy bastards:

  • Record of the Year is awarded for a single or for one track from an album. This award goes to the performing artist, the producer, recording engineer, and/or mixer for that song. In this sense, “record” means a recording of one song, not the composition or an album of songs. Often, the nominees and winners of this song represent the most successful songs of the year.

  • Album of the Year is awarded for a whole album, and the award is presented to the artist, producer, recording engineer, and mastering engineer for that album. So, in this context, “album” means a recorded collection of songs (a multi-track LP, CD, or download package), not the individual songs or their compositions.

  • Song of the Year is also awarded for a single or individual track, but the recipient of this award is the songwriter who actually created the song in the first place. Thus, “song” in this context means the song as written, not its recording.

Also on that page are the winners of every Record of the Year since 1959. I have heard some of the ones from the 60’s and 70’s. I can sing for you at least a part of every song if not the entire thing complete with dance number of the winner and nominees from the 80’s and the 90’s. The 2000’s is where it starts to fall apart. I knew more nominees than the winners. In 2008 I was wondering who the hell Rhianna was and why should I give a fuck about her umbrella. But for the year 2009, I could not tell you what the hell the songs were. I recognized 2 artists. Out of 5. Seriously. Go to the page and see how old and out of touch it makes you feel (or how young and ignorant of U.S. musical history GODDAMMIT YOU NEED TO CARE ABOUT SUZANNE VEGA! “LUKA” SHOULD BE REQUIRED STUDY IN EVERY CLASSROOM!)