Category: Geek

Dear Nerds….

Dear nerds, geeks, dweebs, etc,

Let me start out by saying: I do not give two tugs of a fetid dingo’s kidney about The new Star Wars movie.

Y’all done? Y’all done howling for my blood?

Lemme explain.

I saw the original trilogy. I saw the re-released original trilogy. I was old enough to live through the original trilogy. I saw parts of the first two of the new set and all of Revenge of the Sith. I know Han shot first. I am appalled at the remastered, re-kigiggered fucked up CGI versions of the original trilogy. Blah,blah, blah. Over the years (decades), I came to a realization. I am not ‘Wars.

I am Trek.

Y’all done?

I am firmly Star Trek. I can’t even tell you why. It came as a blow to Aelerelean when I told him the news. I am sure if we had discussed this early on in our relationship, it would not have lasted these 13 years. But now that my secret (my shame?) is out in the open, it is too late to turn back. He must grudgingly accept that I am not absolutely losing my shit over The Force Awakens.

In fact, I am so not losing my shit that I actually dreaded the new trilogy. Why? Leave. Shit. Alone. Harrison Ford is SEVENTY THREE MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OLD. Now, I love me some Harrison Ford. But shit, guys, he’s had a full career. He’s not (just) Han to me. He’s just Harrison Fucking Ford. It’s great that he wanted to come back. That’s awesome. BUT HE’S 73!!!!! He will be Han Solo, a SEVENTY-THREE YEAR OLD MANCHILD.

Do you want to remember Han like this:

Or like this?

Okay, wait. Bad example. Because, um, 73 year old Han is pretty fucking hot.


Anyway, I’m not losing my shit over this movie because it’s Star Wars. That said, I saw the new trailer, and it looks fantastic. It looks like it’s gonna be a great movie. I’m looking forward to seeing (eventually) a great movie, not seeing “ZOMG STAR WARS”.



The Worst Black Friday

If you actually know me, then you know I wait (impatiently) for this day. The day of all days. Black Friday. Thanksgiving, sure. See family, talk, laugh, eat, plan, eat, plan, eat, plan. It’s fun. How early are you leaving? What are you looking for? Don’t get that, it’s piece of shit! It’s fun! I make my list (have been for a month) of what I’m going to get and where. Whether it’s out during the day or online the Thursday before. This is what I do.

So for me to say that this was the worst is kind of a big thing.

Let’s start with Thursday: Very little family. I was disappointed. A chunk of the Ft Worth people couldn’t make it due to car trouble. Fine. Not their fault, shit happens.Grump. We ate. we watched football. There was weird cold drama that resulted in a weird mini explosion about a $15 can opener I swear to god. So Thursday was just weird as hell.

I sit Thursday and plan, and order stuff from amazon like I always do. Then I go to Best Buy online. There’s a camera bundle. Right there. For the ordering. Best Buy will ship it to me at that BF price. Nah, says I. Last year you could stroll in at like 6pm Friday and buy it [BAD MOVE].

I ask my mom if she’s going out with me. Last year she didn’t. It was a bit lonely but I got stuff done. My sister dropped out years ago. There’s nothing worth going out. But she asks where I’m going. I name some places then say “then I’ll head to Barton Creek Mall.” She says “well, I’ll do that. can you come get me and your other aunt? She likes to shop!” YEAH! That’ll be cool! I don’t get to see this aunt very often so FUCK YEAH! “Okay, I’ll come get you about 9am.” SWEET!

I get home at 1:30am. Then immediately buy a Thing because SOMEONE didn’t give me their list until Thursday. Set my alarm for 6:15 and sleep the sleep of the half dead. Get up bright and early, have a protein shake! The plan:
1) Blitz Target. This is where I usually get the stuff I’m looking for.
2) Head up the highway to Blitz Best Buy for that camera bundle and other Thing.
3) Head further up the highway to meander to the outlet mall and wander. See what’s what. I have no specific stores in mind because my list is fairly short.
4) Meander back down south, hit some shops or not.
5) Go home to do a package dump, eat a little something, take my pills
6) Go get mom and aunt.


Target: Fuck you Target. The one goddamn thing I wanted, that they have 364 days of the year, THEY DID NOT HAVE. Not sold out, just NOT THERE. No tag, no shelf space. Bought $35 of stuff. I usually do over $100 on BF. It was empty but I dunno. That vibe was just all wrong.

Get to my car. FLAT FUCKING TIRE. Fuuuuuck. NTB is right up the street. It is now 7:15. They open at 7:30 (thank god!) and about 45 minutes later I’m all patched and done and I have had breakfast far too early but now I’m OFF SCHEDULE. Run to Best Buy.

No one is working cameras. NO. ONE. Because they are horrible people. It doesn’t seem very busy but where the hell is anyone? Three of us kinda want that bundle. One guy is dithering and I want to kill him. He spent 10 minutes trying to convince me to get the other bundle (other bundle < what I want) then changes his mind 15 times. The worker finally appears and I let the guy go first since he was here first. Once he’s done dithering, he at least says “oh hey, can you check that bundle for both of us?” Nice enough. I also throw in “and I also need Thing B.”

Worker goes to back and returns empty handed. No bundles. That’s fine. Where’s Thing B that I asked for? “Oh yeah”. Okay, look, maybe if they had been open since the day before I could understand being out of it. But they closed at midnight and reopened at 8am. Fuck him. He leaves and comes back I go stand in line. There are 2 people in front of me and all 4 checkstands are occupied. Fine. But no one can figure out how to scan item, swipe card, bag item, leave. I don’t know what in the fuck is taking so long. Jesus Christ. I get to a counter. Thing B is in a security box. THAT HE CAN’T OPEN. The tool won’t work. Then it starts alarming. Loudly. He gets someone else to open it. Fine. I pay I leave and MOTOR to MY HOUSE to drop off one sad little bag and take my pills and pee.

Now I’m hauling ass to my mom’s house because to me, I’m late. it’s after 9. Dammit! Get to my mom’s house and to their credit, they’re ready. Sweet. Then I say “I gotta check your best buy” Sure, they said! Her Best Buy is packed like crazy. And someone is working cameras! Yay! “Hey you got that bundle?” “Er, no, but we have the parts and can build it!” SWEET. I have 2 employees and a manager building this bundle. All working together to get this sale. Yeah. No. As they gather parts it is becoming increasing clear that they cannot do this. This cable is never sold alone, they never have it in stock, the bag is a special branded bag that doesn’t have a SKU. The bundle itself is a different SKU. The computers will not even let them see if anyone else has it or even try to build the bundle. They are very apologetic and I appreciate that they tried. But then they ruined it. “Well, I can sell you the Thing and the memory.” Well no shit you can sell me the fucking thing alone! I reply “Do you see how that’s not remotely the same thing?” I shrug and walk off. As I walk off, there’s a cardboard display stand. Full of Thing Bs. No security box in sight. *sigh* Grumpy because I could have ordered the goddamn thing the day before and not worried, we pile in the car and head to the mall.


Mom and aunt haven’t eaten breakfast. Cool. I say “hey, upstairs is the food court. I’m gonna run to Gamestop [WRONG MOVE] and I’ll meet you up there!” Cool! A plan! I go to Gamestop. Fuck me running, I hate shopping at Gamestop and I never remember why until I get there. I circle the store looking for Thing. Could not find Thing so I ask “hey where is Thing? Did I miss it?” “Oh yeah, you did they are right here.” Nice! I pick up Thing and go to checkout.
Him: “Do you have a rewards card?”
Me: “No”
Him: “Would you like to sign up for one?”
Him: “No”

THIS IS WHERE IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED. But no, Bitchface McTrendyAss pipes up.

Bitchface: *GASP* (yes. a real live loud as fuck gasp) YOU DON’T WANT TO EARN POINTS?!?!?
Me: (not even looking up at her) NOPE!

Goddamn I hate that shit. It happens every goddamn time I go. No I don’t want your shitty rewards card. I never will. I have a momentary lack of judgement perhaps once every 12-18 months and find myself in your store. It is not worth it. Ever.


Upstairs to the food court I go. My mom and aunt went to Chik-Fil-A. It was packed. crazy packed. It’s fucking salty chicken, folks! ANyway. I just get a small fries and a small lemonade. That’s it. I hear around me people asking if they’re still serving breakfast [this is somehow important]. I hear yes and no and dithering. Whatever. Just gimme my damn fries. Guy hands me my bag and says “Here’s your order. Oh and a free chicken biscuit.” Oh hey thanks! Go to the table, unpack my stuff. My mom goes “what’s that?” “Oh I just ordered fries and he just said ‘here’s a free chicken biscuit.'” You would have thought that I said they were giving away cars to people specifically not my mom or my aunt or something. Both sides of me (mom and aunt) launch into “They said they weren’t selling breakfast! I didn’t want the sandwich I just wanted NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!” Jesus H Christ! I didn’t even want the fucking thing, holy shit! “TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE I’M NOT GONNA EAT IT!” is all I could say. We eat, they chime in every so often with “they said they weren’t serving breakfast!” Then. It happened. Two older women asked us if we were churchgoers. Er…whut? They asked what it meant when you could feel grief in your chest. Physically feel the grief. That’s when I realized where I get my gift of bullshit from. Each side of me got silent, then came forth the possible explanations. That were of course bullshit, meant only to placate. And this lady wasn’t hearing it. Everything to her was doom and gloom and FUCKING WEIRD. They eventually left as did we not knowing what in the actual fuck just happened.

JC Penney:
Every year for the last couple of years, I can find a brand of jeans I like on sale. They’re comfy, they fit, they stretch, they’re pretty hard wearing. This year? NOPE! One goddamn rack and none of them on sale. Now I’m hot and sweaty part because of the prednisone and part because Texas doesn’t know what the fuck. The high was in the 70’s and no one had the air running properly because it was somewhat chilly (NOT) overnight.

No one wants my money. Best Buy didn’t want it, JC Penney wanted to part of it. Who will take my money? THE LEGO STORE. They love me, right? We wander over and split up, me to the wonderful world of LEGO and my mom and aunt to Macy’s.

I love you. You took my money, happily. I am pleased.

Nothing was bought, I wasn’t looking for anything there. We looked at cookware. I think my mom wanted to buy some for my other aunt (the one being weird Thursday) until I said something. Let’s just say I related a comment from the night before and the fucking apocalypse happened.

Why? There’s nothing for me there. Or anyone. Overpriced, poor selection, just ugh.

Old Navy:
Shit I didn’t need. But it was half off the whole store. The American way, I tells ya.

So mall is done. Now we head to Southpark Meadows. This used to be an utdoor concert venue. Now it’s a big ass strip mall. Makes me sad. We hit the Target. My mom insists I keep saying there is an item here that she should look at. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The thing I want her to look at I would NEVER buy at Target. Because she’s thinking of cheap, no name brand Thing. A Thing you should NEVER BUY AS A NO NAME. Anyway. Again, they didn’t have Thing They Usually Have (bastards). They also didn’t have Other Thing I Was Looking For. But it’s Target and I still like Target. We hit the small appliances where the words “I’m not paying $15 for a can opener for her.” were uttered. This is a callback to the night before. The sight of a $15 can opener causes yet another mini apocalypse. I do not know what in the actual fuck is going on, but it’s both entertaining (not happening to me!) and disturbing. We hit another aisle and I see a thing my sister said she wanted because it was a good idea. I mention it to my mom. Previously I had told her about it and she said it wasn’t worth it. This day? She just threw it in the basket with a “Okay!” Mind boggled. We wander around the store when suddenly we see The Things. Like, tons of them. 10 of this huge one, 15 of this not so huge one, plenty of the $99 no name special, just tons. Almost as if no one knew about this Target but it was busier than others. Again, my mom makes a beeline for the No Name and I put my foot down. Because I’m the one who’s gotta hear it when shit breaks! I think she finally gets it because she says “well, what price range should I look for?” when I tell her, she like “okay fine.” Then we see it. A stack of name brand Thing. She rushes to make sure she has her card, I rush to my phone to make sure it’s not crap. It’s not. Someone has scored a pretty nice Thing.


We leave. And I can’t help it. There’s a Best Buy. I had to try.

Best Buy #3:
Short and sweet.
Me: Do you have bundle?
Her: We might. *calls in over radio* Nope, we sold out yesterday.
Me: okay, thanks
Her: But we do have the Nikon–
Me: Nope.
Her: Alrighty then.
Me: thanks anyway.

In and out in 5 minutes. WITH NOTHING.

I drop people off, I get hair done, get home and start surfing. I go to Canon’s site. The bundle deal? Yeah, that’s an across the board Black Friday deal. It was available from ANY CANON DEALER. Meaning, I could have ordered directly from the site. I do! And they’re sold out. FUCK! But the better Thing is on sale too. Well, I don’t wanna pay that much. I hem and haw. Then see they have massive discounts of refurbs. Yeah. I managed to get a better thing, same accessories, for about the same goddamn price, free shipping direct from Canon, AND I used a cash back site so I’m getting $13 back. Fuck you, Best Buy!

Somehow, every Black Friday, I get home tired and shopped out. I shower, relax, maybe nap. Then head to Opal Divine’s for dinner with friends. Why Opal Divine’s? By the time dinner rolls around, I’m ready to SHOP MORE and feel the need to hit Fry’s to see the aftermath of the carnage. This year? Not so much carnage. Why? They did promo codes. Why in the fuck did they do that? You had to sign up online to get promo codes in your email that you had to show in store to get the prices. I don’t even know. It’s like they don’t want anyone to shop there. Why would you make it harder for people to shop there? What was wrong with having an ad and having people come into the store and buy shit? Big fail, Fry’s. Big fail.

Anyway. I get home and then proceeded to order everything for everyone imaginable. Knocked out 80% online between Thursday and Sunday.

Then Saturday happened. I was going to go to Lane Bryant to see if I could find a nice dress for a party and go to World Market because i like World Market. THIS WAS MY MOST SUCCESSFUL SHOPPING TRIP. Mom takes Friday, I claim Saturday. Planned to just look, found what I was looking for and then some. This. This was the feeling I was missing from Friday.

So, I’d like to give a huge shout out to all you asshole retailers who were open on Thursday and people who actually went out that day:
Hey. Screw you. You ruined it for the rest of us who like to go out on Friday. I’m not talking about “oh I didn’t get that deal” because screw that camping out crap. I mean just being out in it. You guys made it suck. It was simply no fun. It really wasn’t. And it made me sad.

So, good job, jerkfaces.

Weekend Prednisone High

I’m on Prednisone. A lot of it. 80mg a day. That’s a lot. One of the side effects is “I CAN DO ANYTHING”. I feel like Aelerelean when he first got his Adderall. Last weekend, I reopened my Etsy shop. There were 3 items before. Now there are 12. I made those. All of those. Last weekend. Yeah.

This feeling apparently wears off after a while. This weekend was “MUST COOK THINGS AND CLEAN THINGS!”

There is a nook in my living room. It’s useless. Some built-it wall unit for people with TVs less than 25″. And it’s on a side wall. Not centered. So it’s the crap catcher. It hasn’t been touched in literally years. Does this mean I don’t clean. YES. YES, IT DOES.

This nook is out of the way. No need to even walk by it. You can’t really. You have to maneuver over to it. Like, move a speaker and the sub woofer. You have to really want over there.

And today I did.

What did I find?

  • A box of remotes: Replay TV, HD-DVD player, PS2 dvd remote with the plastic still on it, receiver I long since gave away, Sirius remote, two more Harmony remotes (they like to die whenever. I need backups)
  • Playstation Eye Toy (camera) Used once
  • PS2 memory card adapter reader. Still in the box.
  • 3 PS2 memory cards
  • Wii nunchuck (I gave away my Wii last year)
  • backs to 2 Wii Motes
  • 2 FM antennas for previous receivers
  • Wii Steering wheel new in box
  • Wii classic controller new in package
  • Pilates and yoga dvds, some opened, very unloved
  • Dinosaurs. The ABC sitcom from the 90’s. All four seasons.
  • A picture of Jarrett
  • Diplomas. Plural. Two. My reprint from undergrad (they changed the name) and my Masters. I should frame them or something.
  • The PS2 with a memory card in it.

Jesus Christ hoard much? Yeah most of that got tossed, everything else got cleaned up….and put right back where it was. But it’s CLEAN NOW.

The Hunt Begins….

Sunday night, ABC aired a Schoolhouse Rock special to celebrate it’s 40th anniversary. It got me thinking. Where in the hell is my disc 1? I own the 30th anniversary dvd set. Bought it….10 years ago. And the first disc has disappeared. It’s gotta be somewhere in the house, somewhere in my office. Welp. Let’s get looking!


Hrm. Not in this box of unmarked discs and cases!

All that’s left to do is search every other case on my shelf. In this digital age, it shouldn’t take too long…


The time has come…

Dear Lan Gaming Machine,

I’ve been thinking about our relationship recently and well, not to beleaguer the point, but the time has come for us to break up. You have been a good and faithful machine for a many years. You’ve slaughtered some Zombies, Slaughtered some Axes soldiers, repelled the zombies on my lawns, and streamed a bit of video. For this I am thankful. But it’s time we broke up. You see, I just don’t see me LAN gaming anymore. The primary thrower of LAN parties has moved to Dallas and far from here. I simply cannot see me packing you up–even though I built you to be compact and portable–for a mere few hours of gaming fun. Besides, it’s been many a year since I first built you and your only upgrade has been a video card, a card I could put to good use on the 24/7 server instead of a twice a year fun box.

Think of yourself as an organ donor. You innards will be out to good use. You will be giving back to the environment that made you.

Farewell, my small, dusty friend.

Goodbye, L33t-G4m3r, you will be missed.

Song of the Summer I Will Soon Grow To Hate But Kinda Love For Now

I’m all about that bass, baby.

I can’t see that voice coming out of that person, but she’s pretty good. I like it.

Just as I was about to think positively about TWC…

Last night. 8:23pm. Home phone rings. 1-800 number. But my cell phone rings too. So it’s someone with my Google Voice number. I answer.

me: Hello? *nothing* Hello? *clicks* HEY! HELLO! (I give you three times)
Jake: This is Jake from Time Warner Cable! How are you?
me: Fine. (tersely)
Jake: Good! So I see you have our internet service. Are you interested in our tv and home phone service?
me: NOPE! Not one bit!
Jake: Oh. Well if you ever need us….

You motherfuckers. You had me. I was giving you actual praise for not upselling when I called Friday. Only to find that you just call back later for the sell. I was on the phone for 30 minutes for a 3 minute action. Not ONCE did I get an apology (Twitter does not count). I was on the phone that fucking long, don’t you think that I would have said “Yes please sign me up for your shitty DVR and crappy cable as well as IP phone that I still can’t rely on!”

Fuck. You.

I just wanted my bill lowered….

3 months ago:

TWC: Hey! Good news! Your promo rate has been extended for another 3 months!
me: what…promo rate? That ended a year ago…what?

Last Friday:
TWC: Hey! Your bill is going up $16! For NO REASON! Other than “Because we can!”
me: goddammit. *calls TWC*
Carlos: How can I help you?
me: my bill’s going up. Fix it.
Carlos: your promo expired.
me: Yup. Fix it.
Carlos: I’ll transfer you…

*23 minute later listening to the same loop of shitty 80’s synth; like montage music of some guy trying to get the girl*
Bob: Hi, How can I help you?
me: Bill. lower it!
Bob: Uh….we’re you transferred to me?
Me: Yup!
Bob: Wrong department. I’ll transfer you to customer loyalty.

*7 more minutes on hold. This time I get a number of instrumental late 80’s early 90’s Hip Hop tracks*

Carol: Hi, what can I do for you.
me: bill. lower it. (please don’t put me on hold)
Carol: sure! Let me put you on hold!
me: *cry*

*less than 2 minutes later*
Carol: How about $15 bucks less?
me: Yes, sure, go, do it!
Carol: Okay here’s your confirmation number. Anything else?
me: nope!
Carol: K Thnx Bye!

I was more amazed that there was no upsell.
Note: I was actually very nice and cordial each time. I did not just shout “FIX MAH BILL!”

What the hell, Hollywood

I have been waiting for a Batman Superman movie since 2007. Why 2007? Because that was when I Am Legend came out. In I Am Legend There was a giant marquee that showed both the Batman symbol and the Superman crest. The date under it said 2012. I was beyond excited. It was one of the best things about I Am Legend. When I came back to work from the weekend, I put a reminder in Outlook for the first Friday in May. I was convinced that this was a brilliant way to tease a movie. Convinced, I tell you!

Well the 2012 blockbuster season came and went with no Bats vs Supes movie. I was sad. Even more sad because in the interim we got, ugh, Superman Returns. This season we got The Man of Steel. Still not the movie I wanted. But! There was a ray of hope! The movie got announced at Comic Con! OH HAPPY DAY! Granted it wasn’t coming out until 2015, but that’s okay! I was finally getting my movie! The current Superman (holy shit that dude is RIPPED) would be cast (awesome) but who would be Batman? Christian Bale was done. He did his 3 pictures and is out. Who would take his place? We all wondered, we all gave our opinions on who should be next.

Then, the rumor came: Christian Bale was offered $50 million to come back. Wheee! Batman for this movie was supposed to be an older grizzled “I’m about to kill a motherfucker” Batman. Bale can be crotchety enough to pull this off. Fucking. Sweet. Oh, it was a just a bad rumor. Well, okay. I guess they can find someone closer.

Then the official news came out.

Ben Affleck.

Ben. Affleck.

Motherfucking Ben Son of a Bitch Affleck.

Who. In the Fuck. Thought. Affleck. Is an. Acceptable. Batman?


Is this the face of Batman?? HELL FUCK NO!

Look at him! Look at the smug, Clooney-faced bastard!

How, Hollywood? How could you do this to me? I’ve been waiting for this movie since 2007. This was supposed to be so fucking awesome. And you do this to me.

This has got to be some sort of elaborate troll. You can’t really believe this is a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, Affleck is pretty good. Argo was phenomenal. He’s paid his dues (Gigli), he’s done good work (Argo), but BATMAN?!?!? Holy shitballs no.

You just broke my superhero-loving heart.

Thanks a lot, Hollywood.

RIP Slingbox Solo: Jan 2012 – Jul 2013

Slingboxes are awesome. I had a Slingbox Pro for a few years. At least 5 years. It worked like a dream. I could watch the bedroom TV from my office, I could watch TV from work (hey, we just got laid off. Zero fucks were given that month). It was glorious. Then one day, it refused to connect. The web interface (which I LOATHE! Why, WHY in the fuck should I have to log into a web page to watch a tv that is in the next goddamn room and on the same fucking internal network????) couldn’t find it either. That’s when I knew, my poor Slingbox Pro was dead.


Slingbox Pro, I miss you so much.

Being hopelessly addicted to visual entertainment, I bought the Slingbox Solo. It was smaller, sleeker, less ports. And for 18 glorious months we lived in harmony. It worked on the website, it (more importantly) worked with the ancient desktop software that I refuse (REFUSE) to give up. Then, late(ish) Tuesday night I smelled cigarette smoke. Really bad cigarette smoke. Like cigarettes soaked in old pee. I stood and sniffed. And sniffed. The funk was strong in the bedroom. FUCK! I sniffed the DISH receiver. It was overly warm, but no. It was not the culprit. The little used DVD player (Phillips 5960 represent! Region unlocked, muthafuckas!) was not either. I lifted the Slingbox and inhaled. HOLY CHRIST HOW IS MY ROOM NOT FILLED WITH SMOKE?!?!?!?!


No lights. It was dead. No reason. Wasn’t even using it. So I look around. It was well out of warranty. Which didn’t seem to matter since Sling Media still charges for support after the first 90 days.

Well. Fuck. I google a bit more and see it could be a couple of blown capacitors. Hey! I have a soldering iron and like $10 to spend on capacitors! I crack open the case. Caps are fine. GREAT! But what is this?

Is…is that what I think it is?

Is that a….


Yup. Burned the fuck out. What is that? Word on the street is that it’s a diode. Replaceable? Possibly. Bypassable? YUP! Am I going to do that? Fuck no. $70 gets me a refurbed unit that will be here in a couple days.

So why not get a new one? Because the new ones run too much fucking money and ONLY work the retarded ass web interface that I hate so goddamn much.

Will this one die the same death? Possibly. Nothing else in this stupid world lasts. Just being a good little Consumer Whore.