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Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week 13

Dear Detroit Lions,

What the fuck, guys. That was some Cowboys level shit. 20 point lead. Gone.

*slow clap* Congrats.


Dear Green Bay Packers,

“Can you feel a brand new day? Can you feel a brand new day!”

Probably very appropriate that The Wiz was playing opposite you.

Fuck me running. I cannot believe I saw that. There’s no way that happened.

Congrats, guys!

Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 5

December 4th: KRAMPUS, BITCHES!!!!


Because today is the day of the KRAMPUS MOVIE!!!!! WOOOOOT!

Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 4

December 3rd: Yeah yeah yeah…

Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 3

Today’s shirt (December 2nd):

Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 2

Yeah, so, I was good about posting for a whole day. *sigh*

Yesterday’s shirt (December 1st):


Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 1

It is November 30, 2015. I have received a few Christmas related shirts from woot and one non-woot one on the way. With my current shirts and the ones on the way, I think that I can wear a Christmas shirt to work every day from now until I leave for vacation on December 23rd.

Now, some might give me shit for today because it is not December. I actually brought this up to Aelerelean but he pointed out that it’s after Thanksgiving so it’s okay. That and it’s a Monday. It’s good to start on a Monday.


Today’s shirt:

Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week I have no idea fuck all of it

Dear Cowboys,

Fuck. Just….fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


Dear Tony Romo,

Oh God please don’t die on the field.


Dear No Longer Undefeated New England Patriots,



Dear Tom Brady,



Dear Brock-Lobster Osweiler (I think Brockingjay is more appropriate),

I don’t know who you are, pretty sure I didn’t even spell your name correctly, but I see that you have a particular set of skills. Skills that I am looking forward to you using every season vs the Patriots. Please continue.


Dear Fantasy Football and The NFL In General,

I’m done. Fuck it. When I’m complaining that I shoulda put in Matthew Stafford over Romo and Manning (Peyton, not Eli, and earlier in the season) then something is completely fucked.


Out in the rain? Forgot your umbrella? Don’t go running and ducking like you can avoid the rain.

Own. That. Shit.

Hold your head up high. Feel the long needed rain hit your face. Take a deep breath and own it.

Stroll around the outlet mall like:
“Fuck yes, I was a dumbass who knew it was raining but left all 3 umbrellas at home! Ain’t this a BEAUTIFUL day to get pneumonia?”

Leave HEB pushing your cart in the flooded parking lot. Take HUGE striding jumps, maximizing the splash damage!

Your hair’s already fucked, clothes can be washed, and, hey your nasty ass gym towel is in the car waiting! Does it have the funk of 40,000 leg presses? SURE IT DOES. But it’s dry!


Dear Nerds….

Dear nerds, geeks, dweebs, etc,

Let me start out by saying: I do not give two tugs of a fetid dingo’s kidney about The new Star Wars movie.

Y’all done? Y’all done howling for my blood?

Lemme explain.

I saw the original trilogy. I saw the re-released original trilogy. I was old enough to live through the original trilogy. I saw parts of the first two of the new set and all of Revenge of the Sith. I know Han shot first. I am appalled at the remastered, re-kigiggered fucked up CGI versions of the original trilogy. Blah,blah, blah. Over the years (decades), I came to a realization. I am not ‘Wars.

I am Trek.

Y’all done?

I am firmly Star Trek. I can’t even tell you why. It came as a blow to Aelerelean when I told him the news. I am sure if we had discussed this early on in our relationship, it would not have lasted these 13 years. But now that my secret (my shame?) is out in the open, it is too late to turn back. He must grudgingly accept that I am not absolutely losing my shit over The Force Awakens.

In fact, I am so not losing my shit that I actually dreaded the new trilogy. Why? Leave. Shit. Alone. Harrison Ford is SEVENTY THREE MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OLD. Now, I love me some Harrison Ford. But shit, guys, he’s had a full career. He’s not (just) Han to me. He’s just Harrison Fucking Ford. It’s great that he wanted to come back. That’s awesome. BUT HE’S 73!!!!! He will be Han Solo, a SEVENTY-THREE YEAR OLD MANCHILD.

Do you want to remember Han like this:

Or like this?

Okay, wait. Bad example. Because, um, 73 year old Han is pretty fucking hot.


Anyway, I’m not losing my shit over this movie because it’s Star Wars. That said, I saw the new trailer, and it looks fantastic. It looks like it’s gonna be a great movie. I’m looking forward to seeing (eventually) a great movie, not seeing “ZOMG STAR WARS”.



Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week 2

Dear Cowboys fans,

I’m sorry. It is all my fault. Romo’s out for 8 weeks with a broken collarbone because of me. Why? I picked him as QB in not one but BOTH of my fantasy leagues. I also started him in both leagues and even had the audacity to make him my starter over Peyton Fucking Manning. I’m deeply, deeply sorry.

However, it was deeply satisfying and oh so delicious to see Jerry Jones’s face when it happened.


Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,

Holy. Fucking. Shit.


I’d like to know, too.


Dear Houston Texans,

*Sadly shakes head in disappointment*


Dear Cleveland Browns,

Really? REALLY?!?!? Good Job.


Dear Oakland Raiders,