Category: Misc

Dat Baby is HUNGRY

Hi! Come on in!
Oooooh, look at dat baby! Gimme dat baby!!
Oh he’s not heavy!
So what if he’s four months old and 40 pounds! Babies shouldn’t be skinny! He’ll grow out of it!
Is he hungry? Oh you just fed him? He sure looks hungry.
Look how he’s following that fork! Dat baby is hungry!
I don’t care that he just ate, feed dat baby!
Just a little bit of sweet potatoes! Look how he just sucked that up!
Oh, it’s just a little bit of meat!
Of course he doesn’t want that nasty jarred stuff! He’s had real food!
A tiny taste of Big Momma’s dressing!
Now he’s got to have some of Miss Pearl’s macaroni and cheese!
He’s not crying because his little belly hurts! He’s hungry!
Hey! You made it home okay?
You took him out of the seat and found the turkey leg? And it was sucked clean?
Well, I told you.

Dat baby is hungry.

Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 5

December 4th: KRAMPUS, BITCHES!!!!


Because today is the day of the KRAMPUS MOVIE!!!!! WOOOOOT!

Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 4

December 3rd: Yeah yeah yeah…

Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 3

Today’s shirt (December 2nd):

Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 2

Yeah, so, I was good about posting for a whole day. *sigh*

Yesterday’s shirt (December 1st):


Christmas Shirts 2015: Day 1

It is November 30, 2015. I have received a few Christmas related shirts from woot and one non-woot one on the way. With my current shirts and the ones on the way, I think that I can wear a Christmas shirt to work every day from now until I leave for vacation on December 23rd.

Now, some might give me shit for today because it is not December. I actually brought this up to Aelerelean but he pointed out that it’s after Thanksgiving so it’s okay. That and it’s a Monday. It’s good to start on a Monday.


Today’s shirt:


Out in the rain? Forgot your umbrella? Don’t go running and ducking like you can avoid the rain.

Own. That. Shit.

Hold your head up high. Feel the long needed rain hit your face. Take a deep breath and own it.

Stroll around the outlet mall like:
“Fuck yes, I was a dumbass who knew it was raining but left all 3 umbrellas at home! Ain’t this a BEAUTIFUL day to get pneumonia?”

Leave HEB pushing your cart in the flooded parking lot. Take HUGE striding jumps, maximizing the splash damage!

Your hair’s already fucked, clothes can be washed, and, hey your nasty ass gym towel is in the car waiting! Does it have the funk of 40,000 leg presses? SURE IT DOES. But it’s dry!


Oh for the love of offal*

“So what am I? Chopped liver?”

I haven’t heard this phrase in forever and I just heard it 5 minutes ago. Where does it come from? What’s wrong with chopped liver? Liver is fan-fucking-tastic! Chopped it’s phenomenal! I dip! A spread! Lovely!


Chopped liver was traditionally served as a side dish rather than a main course. The phrase, therefore may have originally meant to express a feeling of being overlooked, as a "side dish."

Huh. Well, then it’s a delicious side dish! Who would overlook this wonderful, iron enriching delight? No worries, chopped liver. I would never overlook you. I will always be excited to see you. You are my additional main dish.



*…not to be confused with the Klatchian crocodile god Offler

Easily Distracted

Okay. I have my mint tea. I have my eco friendly reusable filtered bottle of water. I have peed.

I am ready to work.


Gonna verify some defect fixes!

Put on my podcast. Gonna work!

*open Chrome. Googles “wordpress text widget won’t display iframe widget”.


*immediately blogs about it*


They’re just short, not stupid

Why do adults think kids are fucking morons?

They’re not, you know. They know and understand way more than you give them credit for. When a kid says “I don’t like school” sometimes they JUST DON’T LIKE SCHOOL.It’s not always about it being too hard or too easy or a bully. No really. School fucking sucks sometimes. And parents? IT’S JUST SCHOOL! End of August and my Facebook (FUCKING FACEBOOK) was flooded with first day of school pics! I get that you want to memorialize this moment. I really do. Everything has a goddamned camera and storage is cheap. But remember: YOU want to memorialize this moment. YOU want to make it “special” for them. But in reality, it’s just the start of another year of forced learning for them. I cannot think of a single time when I was excited to go back to school. Not a one. And I was THAT kid who had perfect attendance. The kid who, when she was clearly running a fever, BEGGED to go to school and when she had to be sent home, immediately asked if it would affect my attendance record. No shit.


Bitch, my parents had fucking jobs. That’s what you did in the 80’s! Each parent worked and you got yourself to and from school and you damn well locked the door behind you AND GOD HELP YOU IF YOU LOST/FORGOT YOUR KEY!

Sorry for the derail. What was my point? Oh yes: WE GAVE NO FUCKS ABOUT THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! You’re busy running around like a chicken with your head cut off making special this and getting the camera ready for that and then you have a breakdown when it all goes to shit because your special little girl/guy woke up grumpy because all they know is that summer vacation is over and they gotta start getting up early to go to a place that is just not as awesome as being at home. And then you cry on Facebook (FUCKING FACEBOOK) because “you just wanted to make it special!” Well, just stop! It’s not special. It really isn’t. First day of school ever? Sure. First day of school and the kid is 10? Stop. You’re making EVERYONE crazy including yourself. I’m not saying kick them out the door and lock it behind them. Just fucking chill.

Next, choosing your words in front of kids. Ugh. This is just tiring. At 2 they’re like little parrots, and while I (being purposefully childless) howl with laughter when a little kid says “shit” or “fuck” in context (dropped your cookie? FUCK! blocks got knocked over? SHIT!), you may not find this so amusing. But at some point, they are going to hear words you may not like. Like “sex”? An adult on Facebook (FUCKING FACEBOOK) got in a tizzy because they were at church (CHURCH!!) and one adult was speaking to another and someone’s 7 year old child said “well what were you doing?” The woman turned to the child and said “I was having sex with my husband.” Well, lordy lordy, you would have thought the world was caving in. To be completely honest, she didn’t lose her mind. She did ask if she were being a prude in thinking this was not okay. She asked “Should this woman have talked about sex in front of a 7 year old?” Okay, first, the woman did not talk about sex (as far as I know). Saying the phrase “we were having sex” is a completely different animal than actually explaining what sex is. Second, they weren’t talking to the kid. In my completely unasked for opinion, the woman did nothing wrong. Kid asked, she answered.

“Oh but what about the inevitable follow up question? When the kids asks ‘what’s sex’?” Think you got me, huh? I got two (TWO, bitches!) answers for you:

Scenario A, The “Not My Kid” answer:

Kid: What’s sex?
Me:  Sex is something that happens between two adults. It’s how babies get here. But your parents probbaly don’t want me explaining it to you. Go ask them.

I most certainly fucking did. And they didn’t die. And the world didn’t explode.

Scenario B, The “Goddammit, My Kid Asked What Sex Is In Public” answer:

Kid: What’s sex?”
Me:  Sex is something that happens between two adults. It’s how babies get here. But we’re out in public. I’ll finish telling you when we get home.

Kids ask questions. That’s how they learn. They ask, you answer. It’s what you do as a parent/guardian/trusted adult. Stop worrying.

This brings me to my other point. I initially wanted to say “stop spelling in front of your kids.” Because it sounds fucking stupid. Kids aren’t dogs that can’t handle “WALK” or “BATH” being said in front of them. But you know what? Keep spelling in front of your kids. Why? It builds their vocabulary skills. You’re not hiding anything from a smart kids. Hell, you’re not hiding anything from an average kid. You’re only hiding shit from lazy kids. Yes, lazy kids. In either Kindergarten or 2nd grade (definitely not 1st grade, because I remember that classroom being very different) we had our heads down doing, of all things, spelling work.  So it’s all quiet. Just the sounds of scratching pencils and flipping pages. And two teachers behind me were talking, whispering. But because it was so quiet, I could hear every goddamn word. Because I’m a kid. Kids are nosy even when they don’t try. And they were talking about another teacher who was pregnant. But they didn’t say that. They said something along the lines of “She’s going to have her B-A-B-Y.” And, still doing my work, I immediately say out loud “Baby!” Because I wasn’t a fucking moron. I’m sitting here doing SPELLING. “Baby” is a four letter word. Simple as shit. I’m sitting here spelling “cookie” for Christ’s sake. I thought I had done something horribly wrong because they stopped, looked at me, and laughed. Whatever.

You parents/clueless adults just keep on spelling shit in front of your kid. They may not be intently listening but they are hearing everything you say and processing it. Spell in front of them? They work that shit out in their head. Even better, since I see some of your Facebook posts and tweets, they’ll correct your atrocious spelling for you. So go ahead, spell away!

Man I was all over the place today.