Tag Archive: nfl

Open Letters: NFL Week 4

Dear Steelers,

I went to Houston to watch you guys play. I spent money. Waaaaay too much goddamn money to watch you guys fuck it up. There was a point where I realized that you had possession and I thought “well fuck! We have the ball!” That’s not right, is it? I should WANT you to have the ball. But I don’t. Because you don’t do shit with it. I am horribly disappointed in you. I can’t even be angry anymore. Just…ugh. And I feel dirty for having to pick the Titans over you in the pick em.

Dear James Harrison,

How? How did you BREAK YOUR EYE??? I’m glad your surgery went well. Rest up, get healthy.

Dear Houston Texans,

You have some pretty great fans. They had awesome energy and didn’t give me too much shit as I sat there in my Polamalu jersey. Guy in front of me even shook my hand and said “good game”. Your little graphic for Mario Williams made me laugh every time he did something. Which was a lot. Much to my dismay. I enjoyed visiting your stadium and enjoyed riding your rail service (free on gamedays. how cool is that?). But holy balls is that place LOUD. I never realized how much noise 71,000+ people can make. Good on you and good luck for the season.

Dear Detroit Football Lions,

I have not yet watched the game. I got score updates all throughout the live travesty I was witnessing and thought “welp, that’s it for the Lions. They had a good steak.” Only to find that you brilliant bastards did it AGAIN. Jeezum Crow! I am so proud of y’all. Yes, it took a 0-16 season to get the talent you have now, but you know what to do with it, apparently. You are what is making this season exciting for me. Thank you. 🙂
I watched the game. Oh man, it was like watching a slasher flick. Everything’s going great for the Cowboys, looking good. When will the killer strike? I loved pinpointing the moment everything was going to go to shit. Way to go, Lions. Way to go.

Dear Cowboys,

Can you just take a medical leave of absence for the rest of the season? Get that problem with your throat checked out. What problem, you ask? That bothersome little chocking problem that seems to pop up every Sunday. You should get that shit checked out soon.
Costa, Ogletree: thanks for not fucking it up.

Dear Ravens,

Just let Ray Lewis coach offense and be done with it. No, really.

Dear refs,

WHAT IN THE FUCK? How many times does that poor punter have to get drilled before you motherfuckers call it? Player safety, my ass. I know punters and kickers are worth less than the warm spit dribbling out of your whistle, but goddamn. You watched that poor bastard get hit twice and didn’t call shit. It was so bad I thought I could see him shaking every time he had to kick. That ain’t right. That ain’t right at all.

Open Letters: NFL Week 2

Dear Seahawks,

I don’t know what you did to get beat like that. I’m sorry you had to get the full wrath of the Steelers shame based fury. I saw very little of the game, so I can only assume you guys fucked up a lot and the Steelers took advantage.

Dear Cowboys,

Hoooooly fucking shit. Good on you, Romo, for playing on that rib to make people shut the fuck up about how much you suck (I don’t think you suck). Just rest up, heal, etc.

Dear Bengals,

I can’t trust you motherfuckers to do anything right. You can’t win when I need you to and you can’t lose when I need you to. Die in a fire.

Dear Lions,

*Disbelieving Stare*
*Slow Clap*

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,

Let’s get one thing straight. Deep down in my heart, I think I hate you. I hate you for all the stupid fucking shit you’ve done since I started watching football. Your retarded ass motorcycle accident, your “alleged” sexual assault #1, your “alleged” sexual assault #2, and really, just your big dumb redneck-y face. I really cannot stand you as a human being. But you are a good quarterback when you try. I cheered when that Raider got ejected for punching you dead in the face (hey, no fair punching). I saw you almost get Brady’d. I don’t like seeing you get hurt like that (even though my heart swelled when I heard the crowd chanting for Batch), so, I hope you’re okay.

Dear Dish Network,

I have your service. I like your service. You have a free app for my phone that will allow me to schedule recordings. This app works. I like it. But I would like it a lot more if it behaved the same way recording works when I’m in front of the receiver. Why in the FUCK doesn’t it add an automatic 60 minute padding to a sports recording like it does when I’m home? Do you know how confused and then utterly pissed I was when we were watching the Eagles-Falcons game (ludicrous display of sport!) and it suddenly stopped before it was over? Oh my fucking god. If my receiver knows to pad sports events (even Hard Knocks!) by 60 minutes, why does your app not respect this? You’re looking at my goddamned receiver! And if you can’t do that, add it as an option, what the FUCK! So now I gotta wait until Tuesday night to watch an NFL Replay (ugh) of this game so I can see if anything else stupid happened.

Dear Dunta Robinson,

Fuck you and fuck your helmet leading ass. That shit was deliberate as fuck. You didn’t even try to put your hands up or make it look like an accident. Fuck your stupid head.

Dear Roger Goodell,

You are the epitome of parent behavior that I hate. You open favor (and punish) certain “kids” over others and don’t hide that fact. Oh, I’m sure you’ll fine Dunta, but I”ll bet you won’t crucify him like you did Harrison, who while fucked some players up NEVER blatantly hit anyone like Dunta did. In fact, I know you won’t punish him the same. (Edit: $40k fine. nothing else) Player safety, MY ASS. How in the fuck is it helping player safety to nullify a play because a player lost his helmet…WHEN PLAY DOESN’T IMMEDIATELY STOP WHEN THE PLAYER LOSES HIS HELMET? The refs just let it go until the play is dead, just like always only now the play just doesn’t count. How does that help, you moron? You just…you don’t even…FUCK! God, I just hate your stupid face.

Open Letters: NFL Week 1

Dear Steelers,

What in the fuck? I mean…how…why…and then Ike Taylor…and Polamalu horse collared…and the seven turnovers…seven…fight…

No Superbowl hangover my ass. What in the fuck did you steal to get beat like that? I used to set shit on fire as a kid on a regular basis but never got beat like that. Fuck.

Dear Ravens,

What can I say? You showed up to play a game but ended up delivering a serious ass fucking. And that fake extra point to a 2pt conversion? Merely the sand in the lube. I can’t hate you. Ever. If your opponents want to keep not showing up and not playing like the professionals they are supposed to be, then I can’t fault you for taking full advantage of the situation. Good job.

Dear Chargers and Vikings,

Thanks to the free RedZone preview I got to see the start of your game. I turned my head for a split second and turned back around to find my fantasy football kicker being carted out. That’s gotta be some kind of record for kicker killing. Well. Um, good game I guess. I was just too shell shocked from my poor pick’em and fantasy picks to pay much attention.

Dear Jets,

Um. Wow. That was an exciting as hell game. I hope all of your games are like this.
Dear Rex and Rob Ryan,

You know how they always joke about the good and evil twin? You guys are the epitome of that. Rex looks like the good twin, Rob, you look like the evil one. But really, I think if anyone crossed either one of you, it would go poorly.


Dear Cowboys,

Congrats on proving that you are, indeed, Jerry Jones’s Cowboys. Ahead and doin’ fine then fucking it all up at the last possible second. And I can’t even blame Alex Barron for it like last year. I’m sure I heard my mother, 15 miles away, lose her shit. Who fucked up that snap? I mean, shit, Romo looked like he was sauntering across the field and suddenly got smacked in the chest. I have never seen a snap bungled quite like that. Stop fucking up.

It all comes down to this

It’s over. The 2010 NFL season officially ended with a kneel down and a bunch of men stroking and kissing a sterling silver trophy. Packers fans all over rejoice as the Lombardi trophy found its way back home. As an anti-Favre fan I was pleased-nay excited- to see Aaron Rodgers get his first Super Bowl ring and to finally emerge out from under the shadow of Brett Favre’s dick. Rodgers has become an incredible quarterback and I wish him all the luck. The Green Bay Packers fought hard and totally brought their A game. They obviously wanted it and they deserved their championship win. Congrats, guys!

As a Steelers fan, I can’t help but be disappointed that the Steeler Nation did not get to ascend that Stairway To Seven (look, you fuckers named it that, I’m using it. Still, it’s better that fucking Sixburgh. Really? Sixburgh?). The Steelers lost that game themselves. It wasn’t just a matter of “oh Green Bay played better”. You guys played horribly. Ben doesn’t throw a lot of interceptions but he threw three goddamn picks. THREE. IN THE SUPER BOWL.  He did not play like a veteran. That game was a travesty and I hope they all got their asses sufficiently chewed out by Tomlin and LeBeau. All I can take away from last night’s debacle is that the Steelers are now tied with the Cowboys for the most Super Bowl appearances. That’s it. That’s the only upside. Because nothing will be the same after this ridonkulous season:

  • Hines Ward has spoken of retirement. As a receiver, you want to break records (apparently). On November 15, 2010, he ended his streak of 186 consecutive games with at least one reception. How? Concussion which took him out of the game. He can never hit that record now. So the game means nothing to him now, I guess. This disappoints me. Don’t you play because you like the game? Because you’re getting paid mad phat benjamins to do something you love? Not just to break records? He is not going down in NFL history as a nobody. There’s no fucking way. He’s an outstanding player, but breaking his streak might be enough to make him retire? Okay. Sure.
  • James Harrison, the current poster boy for fucking people up, might retire as well. Not just because he is and will probably continue to be Roger Goodell’s poster boy for hard hits but I believe that if there is a lockout (fuck you, owners. Fuck you guys long and hard. how about YOU motherfuckers get out there and get hit repeatedly then tell me you want to play for 18 fucking weeks) he will not return. Harrison will be 33 years old. That’s pretty damn old in football years. A year–or more– away from the game and training could end his career right there. So why not end it on your own terms and go out on top. And not just him. There’s every chance Ray Lewis would retire as well as a whole host of older awesome players.
  • In that same vein, Polamalu has not been the effective beast he has in the past because of the new rules for tackling. He was tried to adapt to the new changes of the last couple of seasons, but it’s not working. He does what he can with what he has, but it comes down to “do I tackle the fuck out of him and get my team 15 yards in penalties, or do I tackle properly and possibly miss?” He and Harrison have had to modify their unique play-styles (that the fans watch for) and it just makes the game bland and boring and makes them look ineffective. I don’t think Polamalu would retire as soon as Harrison or Ward, but he will eventually get fed up (I already see it) and just leave and no one would blame him.
  • Roger motherfucking Goodell. This douchebag has made it his mission to suck anything and everything out of the game fans love. The NFL rule changes “for the safety of the players” is laudable but ultimately bullshit. It only protects the star players. If you ain’t making the NFL millions, then you ain’t shit. He doesn’t give a fetid dingo’s kidney about the fans. Which is just retarded. The NFL would not exist if not for the fans (same goes for any other sport. who are you playing for? who buys your shit?). Every season is worse than the last. It’s getting tedious and the fans will revolt and force this smug asshole out.

So yeah. I was all excited about this season just for it to end with a pathetic whimper, stupid ass drama, and a cool VW Darth Vader commercial.

NFL Open Letters: Division Playoffs

Dear Ray Lewis’s Ravens,

You guys are now 0-3 in the post season vs the Steelers. Do you know what this tells me? You guys are good. Really. Every time you play each other, I know it will be an awesome game. I don’t know how the Steelers keep edging you out, though. Someone postulated that you don’t adapt during the game. You have a plan and you follow it even when it stops working. Stop that. This is the only thing stopping you. You could have won Saturday. Easily. You guys did good out there. I can’t say that the Steelers played better. They have some weird luck god on their side.

Hey, I heard that if there’s a lockout, Ray Lewis is just going to retire. That’s a damn shame. If this is true, then Mr. Lewis, I know I’ve said some shit about you killin’ some dude. Please don’t come after me. Blame the internet. You are a great player, please train your replacement well or start a training camp that churns out bad ass defensive players. And when Harrison and Polamalu retire let them join you.

Dear Steelers O-line,

WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS THAT? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? There’s a goddamn ball on the goddamn ground! You jump on that shit like Algie Crumpler jumps on Polamalu’s knee! Did you hear a whistle? No? LIVE BALL, MOTHERFUCKERS! Even if you DID hear a whistle, JUMP ON THAT GODDAMN BALL! You jump on that ball and act like it was gonna steal your fucking wallet! You DON’T MOVE off that ball until a ref says “dude. play’s over.” Mother. FUCK. Cory Redding MOVED GUYS ASIDE and picked up the ball and you just fucking watched him! He kinda trotted into the endzone while you guys JUST STOOD THERE AND WATCHED. What in the CHRIST was that shit? I hope Tomlin doesn’t let you fuckers live that down. EVER. I hope that when you are in your way advanced age and your memories are starting to get fuzzy, you remember that goddamn shitty ass play. You know why you’ll remember? Because right after that game, Mike Tomlin recorded a message that will stand until the end of time. Rex Ryan will hear the language Mike used AND WILL BLUSH. And near the end of your lives, that message will be played to you by our robot overlords every mother fucking day. Alien civilizations will appear and attempt to overthrow the robots. But they won’t. Why? Because they’ll hear that message and see that play and go “Oh well fuck these meatbags. If they can’t fall on a goddamn live ball that’s 2 goddamn feet away from them (YOU ACTUALLY LOOKED AT THE BALL AND THEN LOOKED AWAY!!!) then they deserve the robot uprising!”

That’s how fucking bad it was.

Yeah, yeah, you pulled it out in the end but fucking shit, you gave up 2 touchdowns in 27 seconds.TWENTY-SEVEN SECONDS. FUUUUUUCK! STOP THAT SHIT.

You are why I drink in the post season. You make black baby Jesus cry.

Shape the fuck up.

Dear Steelers D-Line,

I’ll tell you a bit of what I told the Cowboys: there are people in this world that don’t want good for you. 90% of the Something Awful Football Funhouse Forum and your cringe inducing, kick to the balls, retarded ass o-line. Please beat them with a sack of hammers. I love you guys. You have your shit together (usually). Is there any chance Dick LeBeau can be offensive coordinator too? Keep on keeping on.

Dear Steelers as a whole,

So, what. A win is a win? No, motherfuckers. This win was chock full of shame. Rest, heal, and DON’T FUCK IT UP or I’m rooting for the J.E.T.S. Jets! Jets! Jets! Jets! in the AFC.

Dear New York Jets,

Holy shit I’m sorry I ever doubted you. Thank you for fucking up Tom Brady’s day. Rest up. If you manage to beat the Steelers, well, I can’t be mad at you. You saw what they did Saturday.

Dear Bears,

What? It was the Seahawks. Whatevs. You blew a big ass lead. What the fuck?

Dear Packers,

I’m sorry I doubted Saint Aaron Rodgers. I’m a dumbass sheep who bought into the Atlanta hype. Fuck them Bears up.

Dear Flacons,

Yeah, you thought you were gonna be like the Cardinals. Nope. Oh well. Try again next year.

Dear Seahawks,

See Falcons.

I fucking told you so

On August 10, 2009 I called it. I said that Vince Young would no longer be a Titan. Now, I was a season early, but can still say “I told you so”. Bud Adams has announced that the oh so precious (my fat ass) Vince Young would either be traded or released from the Titans. I fucking told you so. That prima donna asshole did it to himself. He can blame no one else but him. Before, I put the blame on UT for not know what the fuck to do with him and letting him do his own thing. Welp. Look where it got him. Fuck him. Shut your goddamn mouth, learn that you are human, suck it the fuck up and play some goddamn football.