Tag Archive: football

Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week 2

Dear Cowboys fans,

I’m sorry. It is all my fault. Romo’s out for 8 weeks with a broken collarbone because of me. Why? I picked him as QB in not one but BOTH of my fantasy leagues. I also started him in both leagues and even had the audacity to make him my starter over Peyton Fucking Manning. I’m deeply, deeply sorry.

However, it was deeply satisfying and oh so delicious to see Jerry Jones’s face when it happened.


Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,

Holy. Fucking. Shit.


I’d like to know, too.


Dear Houston Texans,

*Sadly shakes head in disappointment*


Dear Cleveland Browns,

Really? REALLY?!?!? Good Job.


Dear Oakland Raiders,


Open Letters to the NFL: Preseason opener, HOF Game (2015)

I waited. All summer. For. This.

What do I get for all my suffering? For the weekends of watching NASCAR, Arena League, LFL?

A broken fucking kicker. Out. Suisham is out for the whole fucking season with a torn ACL.



Open Letters: NFL Week 1

Dear Steelers,

What in the fuck? I mean…how…why…and then Ike Taylor…and Polamalu horse collared…and the seven turnovers…seven…fight…

No Superbowl hangover my ass. What in the fuck did you steal to get beat like that? I used to set shit on fire as a kid on a regular basis but never got beat like that. Fuck.

Dear Ravens,

What can I say? You showed up to play a game but ended up delivering a serious ass fucking. And that fake extra point to a 2pt conversion? Merely the sand in the lube. I can’t hate you. Ever. If your opponents want to keep not showing up and not playing like the professionals they are supposed to be, then I can’t fault you for taking full advantage of the situation. Good job.

Dear Chargers and Vikings,

Thanks to the free RedZone preview I got to see the start of your game. I turned my head for a split second and turned back around to find my fantasy football kicker being carted out. That’s gotta be some kind of record for kicker killing. Well. Um, good game I guess. I was just too shell shocked from my poor pick’em and fantasy picks to pay much attention.

Dear Jets,

Um. Wow. That was an exciting as hell game. I hope all of your games are like this.
Dear Rex and Rob Ryan,

You know how they always joke about the good and evil twin? You guys are the epitome of that. Rex looks like the good twin, Rob, you look like the evil one. But really, I think if anyone crossed either one of you, it would go poorly.


Dear Cowboys,

Congrats on proving that you are, indeed, Jerry Jones’s Cowboys. Ahead and doin’ fine then fucking it all up at the last possible second. And I can’t even blame Alex Barron for it like last year. I’m sure I heard my mother, 15 miles away, lose her shit. Who fucked up that snap? I mean, shit, Romo looked like he was sauntering across the field and suddenly got smacked in the chest. I have never seen a snap bungled quite like that. Stop fucking up.

Football! Oh Goddammit!

Madden ’09 is out. Came out yesterday. I suck at Madden. Madden is a game for people who have played Madden since 1988. It’s not a game for dumbasses like me. Until this version. They swear that anyone can play against anyone else no matter what skill level and still have fun. They show an NFL players 8 year old daughter playing (“What’s special teams?”). They swear. They promise. No blarney cross fingers here. So, who has two thumbs, is a big ass NFL football dork who knew this game was coming out ($60!), who finally has a console that will make it look nice, is unemployed and so has a bit of time on her hands, and neglected to download the fucking demo until 10 minutes ago? This girl!