Tag Archive: dumbass

NFL Open Letters: Division Playoffs

Dear Ray Lewis’s Ravens,

You guys are now 0-3 in the post season vs the Steelers. Do you know what this tells me? You guys are good. Really. Every time you play each other, I know it will be an awesome game. I don’t know how the Steelers keep edging you out, though. Someone postulated that you don’t adapt during the game. You have a plan and you follow it even when it stops working. Stop that. This is the only thing stopping you. You could have won Saturday. Easily. You guys did good out there. I can’t say that the Steelers played better. They have some weird luck god on their side.

Hey, I heard that if there’s a lockout, Ray Lewis is just going to retire. That’s a damn shame. If this is true, then Mr. Lewis, I know I’ve said some shit about you killin’ some dude. Please don’t come after me. Blame the internet. You are a great player, please train your replacement well or start a training camp that churns out bad ass defensive players. And when Harrison and Polamalu retire let them join you.

Dear Steelers O-line,

WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS THAT? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? There’s a goddamn ball on the goddamn ground! You jump on that shit like Algie Crumpler jumps on Polamalu’s knee! Did you hear a whistle? No? LIVE BALL, MOTHERFUCKERS! Even if you DID hear a whistle, JUMP ON THAT GODDAMN BALL! You jump on that ball and act like it was gonna steal your fucking wallet! You DON’T MOVE off that ball until a ref says “dude. play’s over.” Mother. FUCK. Cory Redding MOVED GUYS ASIDE and picked up the ball and you just fucking watched him! He kinda trotted into the endzone while you guys JUST STOOD THERE AND WATCHED. What in the CHRIST was that shit? I hope Tomlin doesn’t let you fuckers live that down. EVER. I hope that when you are in your way advanced age and your memories are starting to get fuzzy, you remember that goddamn shitty ass play. You know why you’ll remember? Because right after that game, Mike Tomlin recorded a message that will stand until the end of time. Rex Ryan will hear the language Mike used AND WILL BLUSH. And near the end of your lives, that message will be played to you by our robot overlords every mother fucking day. Alien civilizations will appear and attempt to overthrow the robots. But they won’t. Why? Because they’ll hear that message and see that play and go “Oh well fuck these meatbags. If they can’t fall on a goddamn live ball that’s 2 goddamn feet away from them (YOU ACTUALLY LOOKED AT THE BALL AND THEN LOOKED AWAY!!!) then they deserve the robot uprising!”

That’s how fucking bad it was.

Yeah, yeah, you pulled it out in the end but fucking shit, you gave up 2 touchdowns in 27 seconds.TWENTY-SEVEN SECONDS. FUUUUUUCK! STOP THAT SHIT.

You are why I drink in the post season. You make black baby Jesus cry.

Shape the fuck up.

Dear Steelers D-Line,

I’ll tell you a bit of what I told the Cowboys: there are people in this world that don’t want good for you. 90% of the Something Awful Football Funhouse Forum and your cringe inducing, kick to the balls, retarded ass o-line. Please beat them with a sack of hammers. I love you guys. You have your shit together (usually). Is there any chance Dick LeBeau can be offensive coordinator too? Keep on keeping on.

Dear Steelers as a whole,

So, what. A win is a win? No, motherfuckers. This win was chock full of shame. Rest, heal, and DON’T FUCK IT UP or I’m rooting for the J.E.T.S. Jets! Jets! Jets! Jets! in the AFC.

Dear New York Jets,

Holy shit I’m sorry I ever doubted you. Thank you for fucking up Tom Brady’s day. Rest up. If you manage to beat the Steelers, well, I can’t be mad at you. You saw what they did Saturday.

Dear Bears,

What? It was the Seahawks. Whatevs. You blew a big ass lead. What the fuck?

Dear Packers,

I’m sorry I doubted Saint Aaron Rodgers. I’m a dumbass sheep who bought into the Atlanta hype. Fuck them Bears up.

Dear Flacons,

Yeah, you thought you were gonna be like the Cardinals. Nope. Oh well. Try again next year.

Dear Seahawks,

See Falcons.

Dear AT&T,

I subscribe to your services. Some services I hardly use but feel I must have because, frankly, it’s just weird to not have a proper landline. Anyway, I subscribe to your services. Multiple services. So why is it that I have to go through two different portals to pay my bills? Why are they not fucking combined on one bill? I almost understand when it comes to wireless. It was SBC Wireless (or Mobility, whatever) in this area but Bell-whatthefuckever somewhere else and when you combined to form the mighty juggernaut you are today (just like you were back in the day), you had to absorb all the little baby Bells and their billing. This created a horrible monstrosity that has become your wireless billing. Even though you offer perhaps the best 3G coverage in my area, I am far too frightened of getting fucked and fighting every month (happened to my mom with a PREPAID ACCOUNT) to even think of going with you guys for wireless. But for landline, long distance, internet, and tv, you’ve been okay and everything has been one big happy online-payable bill (the bill format itself has not changed since I was a child. it is literally the ASCII text of the old paper bills from the 70’s with some hyperlinks).

Then, I decided to get U-verse for internet.

So now, I still have my long distance, tv (Dish), and landline on one bill, one portal with a specific due date. And another separate, differently coded portal (with a different user/pass) to pay the internet bill with a DIFFERENT due date. Even though U-verse is tracked by my landline phone number. Why? Why is this, AT&T? You have THREE DIFFERENT PORTALS. Why does the login link for internet/tv/phone take you to a different login page than the “make a payment” button? Why does my phone bill contain a link urging me to see if I can get U-Verse? I HAVE U-Verse! It’s tied to that goddamn number!


Please fix. k thx bye.

Oh, to my readers who will simply cry “Oh you should use Time Warner! you can get everything on one bill and they handle all of it!” I hate Time Warner. They sodomized my cats and molested my parakeet I had when I was 8. They also drive by my house and moon me and send me lewd voicemail messages*.

*may or may not be true, I just really fucking hate them.

Crisis Averted

So….by the time I had gotten completely spun up and in full blown panic, I had received a response from my begging. I was allowed to resubmit and got my new grade. 98. Wheee! Of course, this just made me freak out even more about turning in my final. This time I only had the one file and triple checked it was the right one.


Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

I finished my research paper on 11/11. I turned it in wayyy on time. In fact, I turned it in by the original deadline. He extended it after I turned it in. Yesterday I get my grade: 60. Oh shit! What did I do wrong? I read the comments on the grade sheet: “No sources, not doublespaced, no citing”. Oh what in the fuck? I look at my paper. It IS doublespaced, I have sources! What the hell? I went back to the TRACS system where I submitted my paper. It still has my document. Oh no it doesn’t. It has my NOTES!!!! I SUBMITTED MY GODDAMN NOTES INSTEAD OF MY PAPER!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I have emailed my plea and will most definitely call during his office hours. I cannot believe I fucked this up. I agonized over this damn paper only to fuck it up at the last minute???