Dear Seahawks,

I don’t know what you did to get beat like that. I’m sorry you had to get the full wrath of the Steelers shame based fury. I saw very little of the game, so I can only assume you guys fucked up a lot and the Steelers took advantage.

Dear Cowboys,

Hoooooly fucking shit. Good on you, Romo, for playing on that rib to make people shut the fuck up about how much you suck (I don’t think you suck). Just rest up, heal, etc.

Dear Bengals,

I can’t trust you motherfuckers to do anything right. You can’t win when I need you to and you can’t lose when I need you to. Die in a fire.

Dear Lions,

*Disbelieving Stare*
*Slow Clap*

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,

Let’s get one thing straight. Deep down in my heart, I think I hate you. I hate you for all the stupid fucking shit you’ve done since I started watching football. Your retarded ass motorcycle accident, your “alleged” sexual assault #1, your “alleged” sexual assault #2, and really, just your big dumb redneck-y face. I really cannot stand you as a human being. But you are a good quarterback when you try. I cheered when that Raider got ejected for punching you dead in the face (hey, no fair punching). I saw you almost get Brady’d. I don’t like seeing you get hurt like that (even though my heart swelled when I heard the crowd chanting for Batch), so, I hope you’re okay.

Dear Dish Network,

I have your service. I like your service. You have a free app for my phone that will allow me to schedule recordings. This app works. I like it. But I would like it a lot more if it behaved the same way recording works when I’m in front of the receiver. Why in the FUCK doesn’t it add an automatic 60 minute padding to a sports recording like it does when I’m home? Do you know how confused and then utterly pissed I was when we were watching the Eagles-Falcons game (ludicrous display of sport!) and it suddenly stopped before it was over? Oh my fucking god. If my receiver knows to pad sports events (even Hard Knocks!) by 60 minutes, why does your app not respect this? You’re looking at my goddamned receiver! And if you can’t do that, add it as an option, what the FUCK! So now I gotta wait until Tuesday night to watch an NFL Replay (ugh) of this game so I can see if anything else stupid happened.

Dear Dunta Robinson,

Fuck you and fuck your helmet leading ass. That shit was deliberate as fuck. You didn’t even try to put your hands up or make it look like an accident. Fuck your stupid head.

Dear Roger Goodell,

You are the epitome of parent behavior that I hate. You open favor (and punish) certain “kids” over others and don’t hide that fact. Oh, I’m sure you’ll fine Dunta, but I”ll bet you won’t crucify him like you did Harrison, who while fucked some players up NEVER blatantly hit anyone like Dunta did. In fact, I know you won’t punish him the same. (Edit: $40k fine. nothing else) Player safety, MY ASS. How in the fuck is it helping player safety to nullify a play because a player lost his helmet…WHEN PLAY DOESN’T IMMEDIATELY STOP WHEN THE PLAYER LOSES HIS HELMET? The refs just let it go until the play is dead, just like always only now the play just doesn’t count. How does that help, you moron? You just…you don’t even…FUCK! God, I just hate your stupid face.