Tag Archive: nfl

Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week 13

Dear Detroit Lions,

What the fuck, guys. That was some Cowboys level shit. 20 point lead. Gone.

*slow clap* Congrats.


Dear Green Bay Packers,

“Can you feel a brand new day? Can you feel a brand new day!”

Probably very appropriate that The Wiz was playing opposite you.

Fuck me running. I cannot believe I saw that. There’s no way that happened.

Congrats, guys!

Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week I have no idea fuck all of it

Dear Cowboys,

Fuck. Just….fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


Dear Tony Romo,

Oh God please don’t die on the field.


Dear No Longer Undefeated New England Patriots,



Dear Tom Brady,



Dear Brock-Lobster Osweiler (I think Brockingjay is more appropriate),

I don’t know who you are, pretty sure I didn’t even spell your name correctly, but I see that you have a particular set of skills. Skills that I am looking forward to you using every season vs the Patriots. Please continue.


Dear Fantasy Football and The NFL In General,

I’m done. Fuck it. When I’m complaining that I shoulda put in Matthew Stafford over Romo and Manning (Peyton, not Eli, and earlier in the season) then something is completely fucked.

Open Letters to the NFL: Week 12

Dear Oakland Raiders,

Goddamn, did you wait all goddamn game to do all your stupid shit in one play? What the Christ? Well, good on you for winning because holy crap you needed it.

Don’t ever change.


Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Way to pull it out, guys. Really.

Great win. Fuck dem Giants.


Dear Texans,

WATT! WATT! WATT! WATT! Watt every play, Watt every position!


Dear Seahawks,

Christ I still hate you.


Dear Marshawn Lynch,

Don’t. Ever. Change.

Open letters to the NFL: Week 9

Dear Pittsburgh “I got all day, motherfuckers” Steelers,

Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. Another week and another day of Ben eclipsing Brady. Seriously, fuck Brady all day. Ben, you are still not my favorite QB. I am still angry at you, but just keep doing your job.

Kickers and punters: DO NOT GET INTO FIGHTS! Are you high? Cut that shit out.

Harrison, Polamalu, Shazier: OMFG don’t be hurt! I know two of you are out for the Jets, but good lord, get well!


Dear Baltimore Asshole Ravens,

I hate everything about your organization right now. You have a bunch of fucking thugs and you play like thugs. Yeah, I like a strong defense and a tough chippy game. But fucking hell, man. Fuck Suggs. Fuck everybody.


Dear Dallas Cowboys,

It’ll be okay, It’ll be fine. I know it will….I know it will.


Dear Sports Media,

I’m gonna say this and I want you to read it and remember it. *ahem* BRANDON WEEDEN IS NOT TONY ROMO. OF COURSE he’s not going to pass the same as Romo. He’s not going to handle each situation the same as Romo, BECAUSE HE’S NOT ROMO! Let it the fuck go!


Dear Andrew Luck,

Holy shit, son. You got a horrible looking beard but you can play your ass off. I’m glad the Colts “Sucked for Luck.” Thanks for putting me over on points to beat the fake team in my league. Woot!


Dear Houston Texans,

Hey! FUCK YOU! How DARE you say that Clowney is not committed? Are you fucking serious? That boy gave his ALL in the first game and was injured for it. On your apparently shitty ass field. Fuck you! Get your shit in order!


Dear Oakland Raiders,

OMG. 24 to 30? You were so close. SO FUCKING CLOSE. I would have bought Raiders swag for DAYS if you had won over the Shitbirds. Would have MADE MY YEAR. God, please don’t move them. They must stay the Oakland Raiders.




Open Letters: NFL Week Fuck, Man I Don’t Even Know Anymore (week 10)

Dear Detroit Lions,



Dear Tampa Bay Buccaneers,

FUCK. YES. Can I say that any louder? FUCK. YES. Fuck the Dolphins. Fuck Incognito. Fuck MRSA. You held them bitches to 2 (TWO!!!) rushing yards. Goddamn yes. A game that was supposed to be a battle of the suck (and it kinda was) turned out to be pretty entertaining! You blew your load with two trick plays in the beginning of the game, but you made up for it. SWEET.


Dear Jerry Jones,

Looks like you did indeed make a mistake firing Rob Ryan. Moron. You are why Tom Landry died a Giants fan.


Dear Jacksonville Jaguars,

Don’t get a big head over this. You’re still terrible.


Dear Cincinnati Bengals,

OMG That was fucking awesome. I know you ended up losing it, but fucking hell, Dalton. That was just beautiful.


Dear Seattle Seahawks,

Fuck you. Fuck you all day. Fuck you everyday. Fuck you until the end of time. I hope a team of howler monkeys pisses in each and every one of your ears, your Gatorade, and your mouths.


Dear Eagles,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. Just…wow. Kinda proud of you.


Dear Michael Vick,

Dude. Hope you saved enough.


Dear Houston Texans,

Oh GODDAMMIT. Next year. Next year HAS to be better.


Dear St. Louis Rams,

I love you. Thank you. Thank you sooooo much. *sniff*


Dear Andrew Luck,

I laughed the rest of Sunday. I watched the Texans lose while laughing. I watched Dallas Cowboy all over the field while holding my belly in laughter. I giggled in my sleep. How you managed to beat Peyton in The House That Peyton Built only to turn around and get assfucked by the ST. LOUIS RAMS is beyond me.

Open Letters: NFL Week 1

Dear Cowboys,

I got nothin’. I didn’t expect that at all.  Keep it up, I guess.

Dear Giants,

Holy fucking shit what happened? I really wanted you to continue the win streak in JerryWorld, I really did. But you didn’t do shit. Ugh.

Dear Steelers,

The highlight of that game was the RedZone dude showing a freeze frame where everyone was perfectly still except for a blur of hair headed right for Jake Locker. Keep on keepin’ on, Polamalu.

Oh, and why did you cut Polamalu, Jr.???? I’ve just accepted that this season will suck huge donkey chunks. I will try not to get unreasonably angry when you inevitably lose to the Bengals, the Browns, and the seriously handicapped Ravens. I said try. I promise nothing. Nothing other than not giving up completely on you. You are not dead to me, just seriously ill.

Dear Texans,

What the? How did? OMG! *slow clap*

Dear Redskins,


Dear Patriots,

I love watching you struggle. I really do. I don’t know how you manage to pull it out in the end, but it was great watching the end of the Brady Dynasty.

Dear Clay Matthews,

Hey! Stop that shit! You’re better than that! You are no Suh! Cut it the fuck out!

Dear Green Bay Packers,


Dear Kansas City Chiefs,

I…wow. I’m just amazed. I think Andy Reid is good for you. Congrats, guys.

Dear Peyton Manning,

*slow clap*

Open Letters: Fantasy Football Week 1

Mother. Fucker.

This is just not fucking fair.

We drafted last Wednesday, the night before the opening game. I thought I drafted fairly well. Other said I made pretty good picks (based on the past). I felt pretty good. I log in later and Yahoo rated my draft a D. A goddamn D. I have Colin Kaepernick, LeSean McCoy, I actually had GOOD wide receivers! But no, my draft sucks.

Or does it:


220 points. Two hundred and twenty motherfucking points…AND I STILL LOSE WEEK ONE! Why? My opponent, the goddamn football whisperer, had Aaron Rodgers, Adrian motherfucking Peterson, Reggie “My Career Is Not Over” Bush, Anquan “Just Kick Me In The Nuts” Boldin and, Brian “Yes I love Defensive Touchdowns” Cushing.

This is probably the best goddamn week I will ever have. This is just not fucking fair.

Open Letters: NFL Preseason HOF Game





People of Los Angeles: Quit Yer Bitchin’

“On August 9, 2011, the LA City Council approved plans to build Farmers Field which could be home to an NFL team. Potential candidates for relocation are the San Diego Chargers, St. Louis Rams, and the Oakland Raiders.” –Wikipedia

This is bullshit. Why? L.A. has had TWO GODDAMN TEAMS and lost them all. The Rams and the Raiders. This is such a crock of shit. Why would you take the Raiders away from Oakland? Does LA see someone playing with the toys they threw away and now suddenly they want them back? Screw you guys. Quit your bitching. California has three fucking teams: 49ers, Raiders, and Chargers. You have enough. Deal.

Aelerelean and I were talking about this in the car one day.

Me: Goodell wants to be a big ass rules enforcer, he should just tell L.A. right out that “No. You had two teams and you let them run away. You get no more teams. You couldn’t take care of the ones you had.” Hmph. Well, L.A. can have the Bills. Fuck the Bills. Horrible team. Maybe I could one day root for them if they moved.
Aelerelean: Hmm. The Los Angeles Bills just doesn’t have the same ring.
Me: Fuck’em, they can change mascots. No wait! Make them keep it. And their logo? Past due notices!
Aelerelean: Oh my God that would fit right in!

So there you are. Los Angeles: Quit your fucking bitching or take the Bills. But I’ll be goddamned if you take the Raiders from Oakland. How can you be a Raider from fucking L.A.?

Open Letters: Yes, I’m really that angry

Dear replacement refs,

You are truly horrible. You have no business in the NFL. Not just because you can’t learn the rules (there’s a lot of fucking rules, takes years to learn) in a short time. Not just because you all apparently have the worst eyesight known to man. But because you have no control over anyone. Not the players, not the coaches. You are the substitute teacher that none of the kids respect. Oh you could have had them had you been hard-assed in the beginning. But no. You guys couldn’t throw a flag. You just kinda tossed them on the field. You needed to throw that shit like you meant it. You waited far too long. You also can’t break up a fight for shit. Not a single flag is being thrown by you guys for flagrant fouls and fights. Therefore the player give not a single fuck because there are no consequences.

Dude, one of you guys got punched in the goddamn face by a player and you did nothing. No wonder you have no control! But now all of a sudden there’s a rule about coaches approaching and intimidating you? Oh honey. That’s not going to do shit. Because you have 250 pound guys that are attacking you. I watched Ray Lewis walk up to a ref after another bad call and target him. He pulled that “I see you and I will remember you” move. You guys should all be shitting kittens.

You know you’re wrong. You know you’re out of your league. Yes, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. And you had it. Now walk off. Because you’re causing serious damage to players with your ineptitude.

Do us all a favor and just leave.