Tag Archive: steelers

Open Letters to the NFL: Preseason opener, HOF Game (2015)

I waited. All summer. For. This.

What do I get for all my suffering? For the weekends of watching NASCAR, Arena League, LFL?

A broken fucking kicker. Out. Suisham is out for the whole fucking season with a torn ACL.



Open Letters: NFL Week 4

Dear Steelers,

I went to Houston to watch you guys play. I spent money. Waaaaay too much goddamn money to watch you guys fuck it up. There was a point where I realized that you had possession and I thought “well fuck! We have the ball!” That’s not right, is it? I should WANT you to have the ball. But I don’t. Because you don’t do shit with it. I am horribly disappointed in you. I can’t even be angry anymore. Just…ugh. And I feel dirty for having to pick the Titans over you in the pick em.

Dear James Harrison,

How? How did you BREAK YOUR EYE??? I’m glad your surgery went well. Rest up, get healthy.

Dear Houston Texans,

You have some pretty great fans. They had awesome energy and didn’t give me too much shit as I sat there in my Polamalu jersey. Guy in front of me even shook my hand and said “good game”. Your little graphic for Mario Williams made me laugh every time he did something. Which was a lot. Much to my dismay. I enjoyed visiting your stadium and enjoyed riding your rail service (free on gamedays. how cool is that?). But holy balls is that place LOUD. I never realized how much noise 71,000+ people can make. Good on you and good luck for the season.

Dear Detroit Football Lions,

I have not yet watched the game. I got score updates all throughout the live travesty I was witnessing and thought “welp, that’s it for the Lions. They had a good steak.” Only to find that you brilliant bastards did it AGAIN. Jeezum Crow! I am so proud of y’all. Yes, it took a 0-16 season to get the talent you have now, but you know what to do with it, apparently. You are what is making this season exciting for me. Thank you. 🙂
I watched the game. Oh man, it was like watching a slasher flick. Everything’s going great for the Cowboys, looking good. When will the killer strike? I loved pinpointing the moment everything was going to go to shit. Way to go, Lions. Way to go.

Dear Cowboys,

Can you just take a medical leave of absence for the rest of the season? Get that problem with your throat checked out. What problem, you ask? That bothersome little chocking problem that seems to pop up every Sunday. You should get that shit checked out soon.
Costa, Ogletree: thanks for not fucking it up.

Dear Ravens,

Just let Ray Lewis coach offense and be done with it. No, really.

Dear refs,

WHAT IN THE FUCK? How many times does that poor punter have to get drilled before you motherfuckers call it? Player safety, my ass. I know punters and kickers are worth less than the warm spit dribbling out of your whistle, but goddamn. You watched that poor bastard get hit twice and didn’t call shit. It was so bad I thought I could see him shaking every time he had to kick. That ain’t right. That ain’t right at all.

Open Letters: NFL Week 3

Dear Steelers,

Get an OLine.

Dear Steelers D-line,

I still love you.

Dear Polamalu,

Goddamn, son. It looks like you’re being far more aggressive this season. Keep it up. Oh, I know you had to make a choice: Painter or the receiver. You were so goddamn close it hurt my heart. Good job, though.


Dear Curtis Painter,

Dude. Try not to look like a stoned surfer in your headshots.


Dear Romo,

I would have bet money that you guys wouldn’t win last night. Not because you suck, but holy shit, YOU HAVE A PUNCTURED LUNG AND CRACKED RIBS! Witten has bruised ribs, Bryant has a hurt leg, Austin was out, Jones had a fucked up shoulder. Those would be the reasons why I thought you wouldn’t win. I never in a million years would have thought it was your stupid ass center. What in the hell was his problem? And have you beaten him yet? Get healthy, congrats on your win against the odds.

Dear Phil Costa,

You should be beaten with a pillowcase full of oranges by your teammates. You should have to report to Rob Ryan for an ass chewing and when Rob gets tired of that, you should then have to call REX Ryan and have him berate you. Then Rex gets to keep your number on speed dial so he can have someone to yell at 24/7. AND THEN and incontinent monkey with a huge bladder gets to piss in your ear.


Dear Detroit Football Lions of the NFL,

Every week is a new discovery with you guys. Keep it going, please.

NFL Open Letters: Division Playoffs

Dear Ray Lewis’s Ravens,

You guys are now 0-3 in the post season vs the Steelers. Do you know what this tells me? You guys are good. Really. Every time you play each other, I know it will be an awesome game. I don’t know how the Steelers keep edging you out, though. Someone postulated that you don’t adapt during the game. You have a plan and you follow it even when it stops working. Stop that. This is the only thing stopping you. You could have won Saturday. Easily. You guys did good out there. I can’t say that the Steelers played better. They have some weird luck god on their side.

Hey, I heard that if there’s a lockout, Ray Lewis is just going to retire. That’s a damn shame. If this is true, then Mr. Lewis, I know I’ve said some shit about you killin’ some dude. Please don’t come after me. Blame the internet. You are a great player, please train your replacement well or start a training camp that churns out bad ass defensive players. And when Harrison and Polamalu retire let them join you.

Dear Steelers O-line,

WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS THAT? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? There’s a goddamn ball on the goddamn ground! You jump on that shit like Algie Crumpler jumps on Polamalu’s knee! Did you hear a whistle? No? LIVE BALL, MOTHERFUCKERS! Even if you DID hear a whistle, JUMP ON THAT GODDAMN BALL! You jump on that ball and act like it was gonna steal your fucking wallet! You DON’T MOVE off that ball until a ref says “dude. play’s over.” Mother. FUCK. Cory Redding MOVED GUYS ASIDE and picked up the ball and you just fucking watched him! He kinda trotted into the endzone while you guys JUST STOOD THERE AND WATCHED. What in the CHRIST was that shit? I hope Tomlin doesn’t let you fuckers live that down. EVER. I hope that when you are in your way advanced age and your memories are starting to get fuzzy, you remember that goddamn shitty ass play. You know why you’ll remember? Because right after that game, Mike Tomlin recorded a message that will stand until the end of time. Rex Ryan will hear the language Mike used AND WILL BLUSH. And near the end of your lives, that message will be played to you by our robot overlords every mother fucking day. Alien civilizations will appear and attempt to overthrow the robots. But they won’t. Why? Because they’ll hear that message and see that play and go “Oh well fuck these meatbags. If they can’t fall on a goddamn live ball that’s 2 goddamn feet away from them (YOU ACTUALLY LOOKED AT THE BALL AND THEN LOOKED AWAY!!!) then they deserve the robot uprising!”

That’s how fucking bad it was.

Yeah, yeah, you pulled it out in the end but fucking shit, you gave up 2 touchdowns in 27 seconds.TWENTY-SEVEN SECONDS. FUUUUUUCK! STOP THAT SHIT.

You are why I drink in the post season. You make black baby Jesus cry.

Shape the fuck up.

Dear Steelers D-Line,

I’ll tell you a bit of what I told the Cowboys: there are people in this world that don’t want good for you. 90% of the Something Awful Football Funhouse Forum and your cringe inducing, kick to the balls, retarded ass o-line. Please beat them with a sack of hammers. I love you guys. You have your shit together (usually). Is there any chance Dick LeBeau can be offensive coordinator too? Keep on keeping on.

Dear Steelers as a whole,

So, what. A win is a win? No, motherfuckers. This win was chock full of shame. Rest, heal, and DON’T FUCK IT UP or I’m rooting for the J.E.T.S. Jets! Jets! Jets! Jets! in the AFC.

Dear New York Jets,

Holy shit I’m sorry I ever doubted you. Thank you for fucking up Tom Brady’s day. Rest up. If you manage to beat the Steelers, well, I can’t be mad at you. You saw what they did Saturday.

Dear Bears,

What? It was the Seahawks. Whatevs. You blew a big ass lead. What the fuck?

Dear Packers,

I’m sorry I doubted Saint Aaron Rodgers. I’m a dumbass sheep who bought into the Atlanta hype. Fuck them Bears up.

Dear Flacons,

Yeah, you thought you were gonna be like the Cardinals. Nope. Oh well. Try again next year.

Dear Seahawks,

See Falcons.

sunday Sunday SUNDAY!

Colt McCoy starts for the Browns this Sunday. All over town, people who like that damn burnt orange color are excited as hell to see their very own favorite QB start in the NFL. Against the Steelers.

They’re gonna fucking kill him.

First of all, the Steelers have  an awesomely ranked defense. Harrison and Farrior can fuck some shit up, Woodley has been a veritable beast lately, and Polamalu’s healthy. A healthy Polamalu should be every quarterback’s recurring night terror.

Second, McCoy is a rookie. Have you seem what the NFL does to rookies? There’s always that first (second, third…) “Welcome to the NFL” hit. And they hurt.

Third, again, Colt’s a rookie. We don’t know what this is going to do to him. Will he thrive? Will he be scared shitless and just throw away the ball? Will he be carted off in the middle of the 1st half on a stretcher? We don’t know! Aelerelean has a theory that it could go one of two ways:

“”Turns out McCoy has the best win-loss record ever in college football.
Not gonna help him Sunday, but it might mean no prima-donna meltdown.
Or it could mean “lose? How could we have lost? I’m Colt McCoy!” Followed by shouting at refs, arguing with coach, then getting picked up by police at 3am Monday morning passed out in a van handcuffed to an underage hooker in a UT cheerleader uniform.”

So, yeah, awesome rookie, or Vince Young. My vote? Option 3: Stretcher.

And yeah, I’m still ragging on Vince. Because, goddammit, that was shameful. It’s gonna take me a while to get over it.

The last few weekends sucked ass for football for me. I am not a Longhorn fan. Not by a long shot. So when #1 ranked (fuck rankings in the ass) OU got the shit kicked out of them by the Longhorns, I was perturbed.

No matter, says I, I still have the NFL (I don’t really follow college ball), right?

Thanks Cowboys. You lost to the Cardinals. The team that, when I mention “oh the Cardinals are playing” they think I mean baseball. No one but Matt fucking Leinhart cares about the Cardinals. And you lose to them.  It wasn’t bad enough that you lost the motherfucking REDSKINS game. The REDSKINS! That is the game you’re supposed to win. It’s your…other…rivalry game (how many fucking rivalries do you have?). And to follow it up…YOU LOSE TO THE GODDAMN RAMS! The RAMS? REALLY? Fuck me running! Why not just lay down for the Bengals…Oh wait! You almost did!

You are 4-3. Cut this shit out. I like Romo. I love the shit out of Barber. Felix Jones is awesome. I even give Folk a little love (kickers get no respect and all the shit). I have…a grudging respect for T.O. But how the fuck am I supposed to wear my new jersey when you’re sucking like this? I don’t even blame the injury or Pacman. Just get your fucking head on straight and stop embarrasing yourself.

Oh, Pacman? Fuck you, Pacman. You had one goddamn job to do and you fucked it up. Fucked it up ONE DAY–ONE MOTHEFUCKING DAY–before you had your job back. Jesus Christ.

Ugh. That abortion of a game was in the same slot as the Steelers Bengals game on CBS. Up until Thursday of last week, it was going to be shown in a big chunk of the country. All of Texas, as a matter of fact. Until Thursday. KEYE, the local CBS affiliate decided instead to show the Titans game. What. The. Fuck. The Titans are undefeated, which is great! Good for them! Everyone likes to see an undefeated team play, right? The Titans played against the Chiefs. This is like watching…something incredibly boring. Horribly unequal match up.

So why did I get the “pleasure” of this game to switch to when I couldn’t take the Cowboys any longer? My guess? Vince Motherfucking Young. He’s the Titans quarterback. Oh wait, NO HE’S NOT! Not since he pulled that disappearing crying pussy act when he got booed. And Lord know if there’s a Texas-Ex playing QB somewhere, we gotta reprezent his team! FUCK THAT! He didn’t even play that goddamn game! Motherfucker ain’t played since early September! God FORBID this goddamn town support some other Exes who are actually DOING SOMETHING on the field. Like, oh I don’t know, Limas Sweede? Where’d he end up? Steeler Country, bitch. And is doing a great job. He’s a wide receiver for fucks sake! He gets field time, he gets CAMERA time. And Casey Hampton (nose tackle, 8 seasons!) has played every goddamn game in regular season so far. Or Tony Hills…okay, I dunno who the fuck Tony Hills is, but he’s another Ex that was playing last weekend when your precious Vince Young was not. So, fuck you, KEYE for being the only goddamn station IN THE STATE to choose Vince over the Steelers. Ass.

And really, I would have appreciated if the Fox affiliate had switched to the Vikings/Bears game midway through the Cowboys. I think we all would have appreciated that.