Category: football

Open Letters: NFL Week Fuck, Man I Don’t Even Know Anymore (week 10)

Dear Detroit Lions,



Dear Tampa Bay Buccaneers,

FUCK. YES. Can I say that any louder? FUCK. YES. Fuck the Dolphins. Fuck Incognito. Fuck MRSA. You held them bitches to 2 (TWO!!!) rushing yards. Goddamn yes. A game that was supposed to be a battle of the suck (and it kinda was) turned out to be pretty entertaining! You blew your load with two trick plays in the beginning of the game, but you made up for it. SWEET.


Dear Jerry Jones,

Looks like you did indeed make a mistake firing Rob Ryan. Moron. You are why Tom Landry died a Giants fan.


Dear Jacksonville Jaguars,

Don’t get a big head over this. You’re still terrible.


Dear Cincinnati Bengals,

OMG That was fucking awesome. I know you ended up losing it, but fucking hell, Dalton. That was just beautiful.


Dear Seattle Seahawks,

Fuck you. Fuck you all day. Fuck you everyday. Fuck you until the end of time. I hope a team of howler monkeys pisses in each and every one of your ears, your Gatorade, and your mouths.


Dear Eagles,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. Just…wow. Kinda proud of you.


Dear Michael Vick,

Dude. Hope you saved enough.


Dear Houston Texans,

Oh GODDAMMIT. Next year. Next year HAS to be better.


Dear St. Louis Rams,

I love you. Thank you. Thank you sooooo much. *sniff*


Dear Andrew Luck,

I laughed the rest of Sunday. I watched the Texans lose while laughing. I watched Dallas Cowboy all over the field while holding my belly in laughter. I giggled in my sleep. How you managed to beat Peyton in The House That Peyton Built only to turn around and get assfucked by the ST. LOUIS RAMS is beyond me.

Open Letters: NFL Week 1

Dear Cowboys,

I got nothin’. I didn’t expect that at all.  Keep it up, I guess.

Dear Giants,

Holy fucking shit what happened? I really wanted you to continue the win streak in JerryWorld, I really did. But you didn’t do shit. Ugh.

Dear Steelers,

The highlight of that game was the RedZone dude showing a freeze frame where everyone was perfectly still except for a blur of hair headed right for Jake Locker. Keep on keepin’ on, Polamalu.

Oh, and why did you cut Polamalu, Jr.???? I’ve just accepted that this season will suck huge donkey chunks. I will try not to get unreasonably angry when you inevitably lose to the Bengals, the Browns, and the seriously handicapped Ravens. I said try. I promise nothing. Nothing other than not giving up completely on you. You are not dead to me, just seriously ill.

Dear Texans,

What the? How did? OMG! *slow clap*

Dear Redskins,


Dear Patriots,

I love watching you struggle. I really do. I don’t know how you manage to pull it out in the end, but it was great watching the end of the Brady Dynasty.

Dear Clay Matthews,

Hey! Stop that shit! You’re better than that! You are no Suh! Cut it the fuck out!

Dear Green Bay Packers,


Dear Kansas City Chiefs,

I…wow. I’m just amazed. I think Andy Reid is good for you. Congrats, guys.

Dear Peyton Manning,

*slow clap*

Open Letters: Fantasy Football Week 1

Mother. Fucker.

This is just not fucking fair.

We drafted last Wednesday, the night before the opening game. I thought I drafted fairly well. Other said I made pretty good picks (based on the past). I felt pretty good. I log in later and Yahoo rated my draft a D. A goddamn D. I have Colin Kaepernick, LeSean McCoy, I actually had GOOD wide receivers! But no, my draft sucks.

Or does it:


220 points. Two hundred and twenty motherfucking points…AND I STILL LOSE WEEK ONE! Why? My opponent, the goddamn football whisperer, had Aaron Rodgers, Adrian motherfucking Peterson, Reggie “My Career Is Not Over” Bush, Anquan “Just Kick Me In The Nuts” Boldin and, Brian “Yes I love Defensive Touchdowns” Cushing.

This is probably the best goddamn week I will ever have. This is just not fucking fair.

Open Letters: NFL Preseason Week….6 turnovers?

Dear Dallas Football Cowboys,

6 turnovers? Six? SIX GODDAMN TURNOVERS? You have got to be shitting me. I don’t even…How do you…I don’t even know how…And Kyle Orton’s hair…highlights…trashiest of…should be drinking moonshine on a porch somewhere…Tickle with blond highlights…

Open Letters: NFL Preseason HOF Game





People of Los Angeles: Quit Yer Bitchin’

“On August 9, 2011, the LA City Council approved plans to build Farmers Field which could be home to an NFL team. Potential candidates for relocation are the San Diego Chargers, St. Louis Rams, and the Oakland Raiders.” –Wikipedia

This is bullshit. Why? L.A. has had TWO GODDAMN TEAMS and lost them all. The Rams and the Raiders. This is such a crock of shit. Why would you take the Raiders away from Oakland? Does LA see someone playing with the toys they threw away and now suddenly they want them back? Screw you guys. Quit your bitching. California has three fucking teams: 49ers, Raiders, and Chargers. You have enough. Deal.

Aelerelean and I were talking about this in the car one day.

Me: Goodell wants to be a big ass rules enforcer, he should just tell L.A. right out that “No. You had two teams and you let them run away. You get no more teams. You couldn’t take care of the ones you had.” Hmph. Well, L.A. can have the Bills. Fuck the Bills. Horrible team. Maybe I could one day root for them if they moved.
Aelerelean: Hmm. The Los Angeles Bills just doesn’t have the same ring.
Me: Fuck’em, they can change mascots. No wait! Make them keep it. And their logo? Past due notices!
Aelerelean: Oh my God that would fit right in!

So there you are. Los Angeles: Quit your fucking bitching or take the Bills. But I’ll be goddamned if you take the Raiders from Oakland. How can you be a Raider from fucking L.A.?

I’m not even going to wait for the Cowboys game tonight.

Dear Refs,

Wow. not even you guys like the Packers. 😉 Thank you for being you and breaking up fights, and not taking shit. I never thought I would miss you guys so much.


Dear Herp McDerp Manning,

I played you yesterday instead of RG3. RG3 is fucking awesome. You broke my heart week one. But I was convinced by SOMEONE to put you in because 1) the Eagles were supposed to suck and 2) the Tampa defense was supposed to be too good for a rookie like RG3.

Redskins 24
Buccaneers: 22

Does THAT look like a crushing defense? Especially if you watched the first half of the game? No. No it does not. So here I am, with a shit lineup because I can’t draft a running back to save my fucking like, my opponent has people I have actually heard of and is even playing a running back from a team that is one a fucking BYE. I’m almost certain he did that on purpose. And you’re starting. God fucking dammit. But you pulled it out. You and RG3 have been pretty even (except for week 1) so it’s been really hard to pick who to sit. We cool, right? Cool.


Dear Jets,

I don’t even know what to say. A shut out. SHUT THE FUCK OUT. I have Nick Folk as my kicker because that’s how I roll. And because I am responsible for Nate Kaeding’s first kick, first quarter, week one injury last season because I drafted him. Anyway, Nick was always good for 12 points or something. Not yesterday. 0 points. Zero. Nada. Zip. Not even negative points for missing kicks. Do you know what that means? That means the Jests never got close enough to even attempt points. Like some comedian said, the difference between bad credit and no credit is that with bad credit, you tried and failed. With no credit? You didn’t even try! Blargh! Your team is horrible and you should feel horrible.


Open Letters: Yes, I’m really that angry

Dear replacement refs,

You are truly horrible. You have no business in the NFL. Not just because you can’t learn the rules (there’s a lot of fucking rules, takes years to learn) in a short time. Not just because you all apparently have the worst eyesight known to man. But because you have no control over anyone. Not the players, not the coaches. You are the substitute teacher that none of the kids respect. Oh you could have had them had you been hard-assed in the beginning. But no. You guys couldn’t throw a flag. You just kinda tossed them on the field. You needed to throw that shit like you meant it. You waited far too long. You also can’t break up a fight for shit. Not a single flag is being thrown by you guys for flagrant fouls and fights. Therefore the player give not a single fuck because there are no consequences.

Dude, one of you guys got punched in the goddamn face by a player and you did nothing. No wonder you have no control! But now all of a sudden there’s a rule about coaches approaching and intimidating you? Oh honey. That’s not going to do shit. Because you have 250 pound guys that are attacking you. I watched Ray Lewis walk up to a ref after another bad call and target him. He pulled that “I see you and I will remember you” move. You guys should all be shitting kittens.

You know you’re wrong. You know you’re out of your league. Yes, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. And you had it. Now walk off. Because you’re causing serious damage to players with your ineptitude.

Do us all a favor and just leave.

Open Letters: Roger Goodell has no soul

Dear NFL,

Stop this. Stop this ref lockout. This is insane. Did you not watch the Ravens game? Or the Monday night game last week that took almost four fucking hours? Did you not see these horrible travesties? Can you not see that this is a problem? I am apoplectic with rage over something that was meant to be entertaining. I have no money riding on any of this and yet I burn because this is flat out stupid. None of this needed to happen.

You had a stadium full of people on national television chanting “BULLSHIT”. I got goosebumps. It was awesome and so true. Sunday night had me pissed. But last night….

Jesus H Christ on a stick. That win was stolen from Green Bay. Stolen. Ref number 84 had the correct call. Jennings had the goddamn ball with both hands and his goddamn chest. How does two hands and a chest lose to one goddamn hand? HOW? That was a clear interception. I saw it, Aelerelean saw it, Tirico and Gruden saw it, dead blind people saw it. Yet these officials couldn’t see shit. With that one call you have irrevocably tarnished the reputation of the NFL. Professional wrestling has more integrity than the NFL at this point.

Roger Goodell, you are an ass. You think that the refs are doing a fine job. You are full of shit. How can you even believe that at this point? How can you believe that the regular refs don’t deserve whatever they are asking for? Yeah, they have their fuckups, but how often is that? Rare enough that it’s an event when they seriously botch a call. With these replacement officials, it’s every goddamn game. And not small calls. Huge calls. GAME CHANGING, SEASON CHANGING CALLS. EVERY. GAME. This is not why we, as fans, watch. We want to see a good competitive game. A fair game. This is not what we’re getting. This is not what we paid for through our stadium tickets or pay-tv subscriptions or swag.

Players and coaches! Is this why you play? Is this why you coach? Do you feel this is somehow right? I know you don’t because I see it in the news and all over Twitter. Goodell’s short sightedness and let’s face out, outright cheapness is hurting you. Literally. Between the fights on the field and the missed calls, someone is going to die. That is my biggest fear. Someone is going to die or have a serious career ending, life altering injury on the field because of this bullshit. Is it worth a player’s life to fight over fucking money for the refs?

You know what I want to see? I want to see a walk out. I want to see the players and coaches stage a walk out for week 4 (5, 6, 7, until it’s fixed if need be) in protest. It would be 6 kinds of awesome to watch as a game got started, right before kickoff, every player, every team staff member, and every fan walk the fuck out of the stadium.

This needs to be resolved IMMEDIATELY. How you, Goodell, can’t see that is fucking beyond me. Oh, I know why you can’t see it. It’s because you are evil. You contain more evil in your soulless, remorseless body than the most evil of all entertainment based companies in the country: Time Warner.

And that, my friends, is a whole lotta fucking evil.

Open Letters: NFL Week 3

Dear Cowboys,

Take it. A win is a win. Do better.


Dear Steelers,

I knew it. I knew that you were going to struggle. I didn’t think you’d actually lose, but I knew it would be a fight. I can’t be angry. I’m done being angry over my teams’ losses. My anger is very directed at one person/group and it’s not you or any other team. Some shit happened during your game, I’m sure. The hit on Heyward-Bey didn’t look bad at all. But holy shit did my heart stop when I saw him lying there like a ragdoll. We thought “He just got hit in the collarbone. Maybe the top of the helmet hit his facemask.” But apparently not. I completely disagree with every article that calls it a vicious hit. There was no way that was a vicious hit. And goddamnit he was not sandwiched either. look at the fucking tape! *grumble*. Get healthy, come back, do good.


Dear Todd Haley,

Apparently you cannot talk to Ben that way. I dunno what you said, or how you said, but don’t do it. On the other hand, it smacks of Ben saying “You’re not my real father!” and being obstinate. Whatever. Don’t be a dick to him and he won’t be a dick to you.


Dear NFL and NFL RedZone,

THREE OVERTIME GAMES??? THREE??? Holy shit, that was an exciting time! I love the fuck out of RedZone for situations just like this. HOWEVER, you need to fix it so that the RedZone can show the endings of games. That was complete bullshit (hey, I’m noticing a trend) that they had to end it like that. Despite that, thanks for making Sunday exciting.


Dear Pete Carroll (Seahawks Coach),

You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. You knew that call was wrong and yet instead of giving a toned down or even better, no interview, you acted like you won the fucking lottery. Fuck you.

Dear Golden Tate,

You knew it was wrong. You knew you didn’t have the ball. I give you credit for realizing that this was a touchy situation and not celebrating like a fool in front of the camera like your coach. You both should have taken the high road and refused the after game interview.