Category: football

Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week 2

Dear Cowboys fans,

I’m sorry. It is all my fault. Romo’s out for 8 weeks with a broken collarbone because of me. Why? I picked him as QB in not one but BOTH of my fantasy leagues. I also started him in both leagues and even had the audacity to make him my starter over Peyton Fucking Manning. I’m deeply, deeply sorry.

However, it was deeply satisfying and oh so delicious to see Jerry Jones’s face when it happened.


Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,

Holy. Fucking. Shit.


I’d like to know, too.


Dear Houston Texans,

*Sadly shakes head in disappointment*


Dear Cleveland Browns,

Really? REALLY?!?!? Good Job.


Dear Oakland Raiders,


Open Letters: NFL 2015 Week 1 Steelers @ Pats

This about sums it up:

Open Letters to the NFL: Preseason opener, HOF Game (2015)

I waited. All summer. For. This.

What do I get for all my suffering? For the weekends of watching NASCAR, Arena League, LFL?

A broken fucking kicker. Out. Suisham is out for the whole fucking season with a torn ACL.



Open Letters to the NFL: Week 12

Dear Oakland Raiders,

Goddamn, did you wait all goddamn game to do all your stupid shit in one play? What the Christ? Well, good on you for winning because holy crap you needed it.

Don’t ever change.


Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Way to pull it out, guys. Really.

Great win. Fuck dem Giants.


Dear Texans,

WATT! WATT! WATT! WATT! Watt every play, Watt every position!


Dear Seahawks,

Christ I still hate you.


Dear Marshawn Lynch,

Don’t. Ever. Change.

Open letters to the NFL: Week 9

Dear Pittsburgh “I got all day, motherfuckers” Steelers,

Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. Another week and another day of Ben eclipsing Brady. Seriously, fuck Brady all day. Ben, you are still not my favorite QB. I am still angry at you, but just keep doing your job.

Kickers and punters: DO NOT GET INTO FIGHTS! Are you high? Cut that shit out.

Harrison, Polamalu, Shazier: OMFG don’t be hurt! I know two of you are out for the Jets, but good lord, get well!


Dear Baltimore Asshole Ravens,

I hate everything about your organization right now. You have a bunch of fucking thugs and you play like thugs. Yeah, I like a strong defense and a tough chippy game. But fucking hell, man. Fuck Suggs. Fuck everybody.


Dear Dallas Cowboys,

It’ll be okay, It’ll be fine. I know it will….I know it will.


Dear Sports Media,

I’m gonna say this and I want you to read it and remember it. *ahem* BRANDON WEEDEN IS NOT TONY ROMO. OF COURSE he’s not going to pass the same as Romo. He’s not going to handle each situation the same as Romo, BECAUSE HE’S NOT ROMO! Let it the fuck go!


Dear Andrew Luck,

Holy shit, son. You got a horrible looking beard but you can play your ass off. I’m glad the Colts “Sucked for Luck.” Thanks for putting me over on points to beat the fake team in my league. Woot!


Dear Houston Texans,

Hey! FUCK YOU! How DARE you say that Clowney is not committed? Are you fucking serious? That boy gave his ALL in the first game and was injured for it. On your apparently shitty ass field. Fuck you! Get your shit in order!


Dear Oakland Raiders,

OMG. 24 to 30? You were so close. SO FUCKING CLOSE. I would have bought Raiders swag for DAYS if you had won over the Shitbirds. Would have MADE MY YEAR. God, please don’t move them. They must stay the Oakland Raiders.




Open Letters to the NFL: Week 8

Dear Pittsburgh “are you fucking kidding me 6 TDs” Steelers,

Holy goddamn shit, guys! I hate those uniforms with a  fucking passion. And maybe you too because 6 touchdowns. SIX. 51 to 34. I watched as Andrew Luck (my goddamn fantasy QB) tried his best to rally but no. At home,  in those horrible Three Stooges prison uniforms. Of course you were going to win. Good on you. Now do that vs the Ravens.


Dear Dallas Cowboys,



Dear Houston “Just Have Watt Do Everything” Texans,

You have J.J. Watt. My mom, a die hard Cowboys fan, wants your jersey. That’s how fucking awesome Watt is.


Dear Sunday,

I watched football from 9am to 10:30pm. Holy shit. Good on you for airing the London game to EVERYONE. I loved it. But shut up about the goddamn field. It’s soccer turf in a different goddamn country. ENOUGH.


Dear Kansas City Chiefs,

You won. Your Royals won (10-0!!!!). Your Kansas State cats blanked the Longhorns. That was a good weekend.


Dear Oakland Raiders,



Dear Buffalo Bills,

I ain’t got a thing to say. Holy crap. I barely even know you exist and you pull that kind of a lead on the Jets. Wow.


Dear My Two Fantasy Leagues,


Open Letters to the NFL: Week 7

Dear Dallas Football Cowboys,

2 weeks in a row. I want to believe you have changed for the better. Maybe because Jerry is not interfering as much or he’s not all there. If you are indeed on the upswing, I refuse to believe that it has anything to do with Jerry actually doing something. I prefer to think tat he has finally stopped meddling and you guys can be the team you are meant to be.

Of course…it is only October.


Dear St. Louis “Shitbird ass kicking” Rams,

OMFG, I LOVE YOU! I don’t care if you never win another game this season. You beat the Shitbirds! Without Bradford, no less! *big hugs all around*


Dear Jacksonville Jaguars,

So wait. The Browns beat the Steelers last week. You beat the Browns this week. Does that mean you’re better than the Steelers? Jesus, I hope that’s not true.


Dear Detroit Lions,

Keep on keepin’ on! 5 wins! You have come so far from that 0-16 season! So very proud of you guys. 🙂


Dear Oakland “Soon to be Los Angeles (again) or San Antonio or Bumfuck, Nebraska” Raiders,

You’re not gonna get a stadium at this rate.


Dear Pittsburgh “Haven’t lost at home on MNF in 15 games” Steelers,


I’m glad you proved me wrong. It looked like you were going to shit the bed right up until the two minute warning in the first half. But somehow–SOMEHOW–you scored 24 unanswered motherfucking points in two minutes and 54 seconds. Let’s let that sink in. At 2:00 before the first half ended, it was 13-3 Houston. J.J. Watt was all over the goddamn field. Arian Foster was blowing up your immature defense. Then Crazy Shit(tm) happened. And the half ends 13-24 Pittsburgh. Holy fucking shit, guys. Thank you for making me proud to wear my t-shirts again.



Dear Baltimore Ravens,

Fuck you forever. Still.

Open letters to the NFL: Week 6

Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,

THE MOTHERFUCKING BROWNS. What the fuck guys. What in the ever loving fuck? You know what? I’m fucking picking the Texans to win. In your house. Because Jesus fucking Christ I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you. Fuck. You got me rooting for the Bengals. You got me ready to SWEAR OFF FOOTBALL for hockey full time. I can only hope the Penguins don’t suck as much as you this year.


Dear Dallas Football Cowboys,

What the fuck did I see? Did I really see that? Did I really? *sniff* I’m almost proud of you. Fuck dem Shitbirds. Fuck dem Shitbirds in their own fucking house. Goddamn, guys. I mean…Goddamn. *slow clap*

Open Letters to the NFL: Week 4

Dear Fox and Pittsburgh Steelers,

First off, Fox, you tried to do me a solid by showing me the last few minutes of my beloved Steelers now complete with James Harrison. I understand why you’d do this. It was a close game (more on that in a minute). You thought people would like to see the final outcome. To this I say, “Jesus fuck why did you bother?” We would have been content just seeing the score later and not knowing the Cowboy-like circumstances that resulted in that score. Thanks, but you really shouldn’t have. Really.

As for you, Steelers. What the shit? THE BUCS??? You lose to the BUCS? This makes you worse than the Falcons. THE. FALCONS. I have no words to say to you. That last four minutes were a total shitshow and you should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.



Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Wow. In the second half, I thought you were going to be yourselves and let it all go, but someone either lit a fire under your asses or threatened your family members. Because you guys rallied back and were fantastic. And I’m shocked. But whatever. I seriously doubt you can keep it going all season. I’ll just take it a week at a time.


Dear J.J. Watt,

I love you. From your sacks to your TD while playing OFFENSE to your TD playing DEFENSE to your acting on The League. I love every bit of you and I hope like crazy that no off-field shenanigans come to light because I really want you to be the most awesome player ever.


Dear Detroit Lions,



Dear Jimmy Johnson and Michael Strahan,

You are correct. Peyton had 60 goddamn minutes to do his job. His defense had oodles of time to either prevent OT or stop the scoring. And they didn’t. Preach it, my brothers!

Open Letters to the NFL: The Admin Side

Dear Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner),



Dear Steve Bisciotti (Baltimore Ravens owner),



Dear Entire Fucking Baltimore Ravens Organization,



Dear ESPN,

Stop being ridiculous.