Category: Misc

The End Times Have Started

For the next 7 days temps between 96-99 degrees. We will hit 100 soon. There is no relief in sight. Texas will be eating any and all tropical depressions/storms entering the gulf.

Words you will hear for the next few months:

  • Drier than average
  • High pressure system
  • No relief in sight
  • Hazy
  • Fires in Mexico
  • Fires in California
  • Dust from Africa (yes really)

Yes. Today is the official first day of summer. We will begin our slow cooked descent into heat triggered madness. I will officially stop going to Fry’s until October (they do this energy saving thing where they keep the AC at like 80), I will punch any and all people in the throat who dare to suggest dining outside. No I don’t care that it’s now dark. It’s still 85 fucking degrees and the heat rising from the sun baked pavement DOES NOT HELP. No, it does not matter that it’s a “dry heat”. No it does not matter that it’s NOT a dry heat and that it’s worse in Houston/Louisiana. Heat is heat, motherfucker.

So. Don’t die. Stay cool. Help people (usually the elderly) who don’t have AC by donating fans/money to get fans:

The seasons are a-changin’

The weather should be changing about now. Not this weird ass cooling thing that’s been going on. No, the nasty hot humid crap is supposed to be starting up soon. Not that I’m looking forward to it, Christ no. But this has been weighing on my mind. There is a phrase supposedly known as “Texas Air Conditioning.”

“Texas Air Conditioning” is the idea that you open the windows when it’s cooler (overnight/early morning) and close it up to trap the cool in the house during the day.

This is a load of bullshit.

Do you know what it’s like at midnight in Austin on the worst days? 85 degrees. 85 fucking degrees. On a “normal” summer day? maybe 76. And humid. So fucking humid. The air does not move. It is like a heavy weight on your chest. I had a friend move from Austin to fucking Vegas because she was having heart palpitations here, but in Vegas she’s fine and fancy free. How shitty is that? When the goddamn desert is a better option so the thick, disgusting air doesn’t kill you.

This idea of “Texas Air Condition” is completely and totally wrong. Do you want to know what it really is? A GODDAMN AIR CONDITIONER. Yes. We have fucking electricity. We have AC units. Windows units, ductless systems, old fashioned common HVACs. Yes, motherfucker, we have them and we pay a lot to use them because being hot fucking sucks.

Being hot sucks so much that if I were to die due to exposure (in the outdoors) I would rather freeze to death than die out in the summer. When it’s that cold, you just lie down and sleep and just never wake up. Baking to death? Oh hell no. Worst thing ever.

So if you hear someone say “Oh just open up the winders like they do in Texas! That’s good old fashioned air conditioning” Slap them motherfuckers in the face.

Have you started saving for college?

I watch far too many children’s television for my own good. When you find yourself describing the plot to a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic episode because you found it particularly funny, you are watching too many cartoons.

Now, for kids network, Hub and Cartoon Network show a surprisingly large amount of adult oriented commercials. Not “Girl Gone Wild” or KY or anything like that. I mean stuff like Mesothelioma lawsuits, vaginal mesh lawsuits, and Gerber Life commercials.

I get it. You’re a stay at home parent or the kid is home sick. Whatever the case, you’re stuck watching a lot of kids shows. So yeah, why not advertise to the captive masses? But this goddamn Gerber Life commercial. It seems pretty dumb. Parents are sitting around discussing….I dunno diaper rash. And one says “So, has anyone started saving for college?” A chorus of “no” all around. That’s perfectly normal. You suddenly have this crawling, stinky thing that you now have to care for. You’re more concerned about getting through the day with him/her intact than about what might or might happen 18 years down the road.

But then the black couple speaks up. “Oh we’ve started!” Hey cool! That’s pretty neat! Nice little multi-ethnic (not) group, you show the non-white people not looking like idiots. Nice! Until someone responds “How? I don’t even know where to start!” REALLY? You don’t know where to start a college fund for your kid? Have you tried…your bank? Or an investment firm? How about fucking GOOGLE?!? Here, I’ll do it for you:

So, once the black couple finishes their sales spiel about Gerber Grow Up plan or whatever they finish with “and the money can be used for something else if she decides not to go to college.” I thought that was a fabulous idea. Until Mr. Obnoxious McChucklefuck pipes up with “Hey, I’ll definitely look into that” turn to his kid and says “Because you’re DEFINITELY going to college.” Hearty chortles all around. Because MY kid is going to college! Because that’s what white people do. Black people apparently give no fucks. I wouldn’t dare of letting my special snowflake NOT go to college. You can let your little underachieving fuck blow all that cash on meth. My kid IS GOING TO COLLEGE.

What, really? You can see the future? Did you know that not everybody is cut out for college? And that your little shit might be one of them who just fucks around for a year at some high priced university (that YOU forced him to go to, fuck state university, right?) bringing home a drug addiction (need that Ritalin and Oxy to dull the pain, ya know?), sexual assault charges (she totally said yes), and a 0.0 GPA.

Or, what if yeah, your bundle of joy DOES decide to go to college and WHAM, Cancer? Or schizophrenia (commonly pops up around 19 years old). With the way healthcare is going in this country, you sure as fuck don’t have the money to pay for what insurance won’t cover. Where’s that money going to come from? Re-mortgage the house? Liquidate your retirement plan (you can figure out how to save for retirement but you can’t figure out how to start a motherfucking college fund???) That Grow Up plan money is looking pretty sweet by that point, isn’t it?

So, fuck you Mr. Obnoxious McChucklefuck.

Christ I hate this commercial.

Fuck this state so goddamn hard


“Gov. Rick Perry, on a conference call with fellow evangelicals, chided church-state separation as a Satan-fueled myth, urged `Christian soldiers’ to march to the polls, and accepted thanks for ending the drought.”



STOP ELECTING THIS MAN. Jesus H Christ on a pogo stick. First Amendment, motherfucker, do you see it?

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”

I can’t even think let alone write any coherent sentence because I am so angry. What the fuck is wrong with him? He is actively pushing for the “dance for rain, afraid of eclipse” thought process to come back.

Maybe he is a massive troll. He and George W might have cooked up this huge practical joke years ago and have successfully trolled all of us. Us meaning human beings with actually logical thought processes. This is the only thing I can think of when I hear the horrible shit that comes out of his mouth.

Perry is the worst thing ever in this state. Worse than the wildfires, worse than the drought, worse than a yeast infection on top of a urinary tract infection. I wish everyday that the majority of Texans would wake up and get this man out of office. Seeing his name, hearing his name, turns my stomach and reduces me to screaming obscenities and gibberish. Not even Time Warner makes me that angry.

And I fucking hate Time Warner with all of my heart and spleen.

Nickelback truly is a terrible band

I have no idea what kind of periodical Boise Weekly is, but I love that they have writers that can and will say what the truly fell about a horrible band. In case it gets yanked:

You can spend $45 to go see Nickelback this week.

Or you could buy 45 hammers from the dollar store, hang them from the ceiling at eye level and spend an evening banging the demons out of your dome.

That $45 would also buy you a lot of pickles, which have more fans on Facebook than the band. It would also buy you an introduction to rock guitar video course that would allow you to surpass the band’s skill level in five hours or less.

$45 is also enough to see Men in Black III five times, buy a dozen Big Macs, do 10 loads of laundry or so many other experiences as banal and meaningless as seeing Nickelback but that come without having to actually hear Nickelback.

But if you must, the band is playing the Idaho Center on Wednesday, June 13, at 6 p.m. Tickets start at $45.


And no, it’s not just some internet journal:


WordPress has just notified me that this is my 900th post. Hooray!

Wait, does that include the Twitter digests?



An Open Letter To Shoppers At The Whole Foods In The Gateway Shopping Center

Dear Whole Foods Gateway Shoppers,

I fucking hate you. I hate you so goddamn much. You are the most self centered, self absorbed, no-common-sense-having cunt waffles I have ever run across. What is it about you that makes you think it’s perfectly okay to snipe a parking space from me when I am sitting RIGHT FUCKING THERE? You saw me, asshole. I know you did. You sped into that spot, hoping you were going fast enough so that I wouldn’t see you, I suppose.

Why do you feel that it is perfectly fine to just push in front of my while I’m looking at overprices stinky cheeses? You weren’t asking the cheese mongers a question. You just got in front of me like I wasn’t even there. You are the cunty-est of cunt waffles. No, I’m sorry. You’re not. You’re a cockbag.

I will be so glad when that location closes and the new one opens in the Domain. I really will. But a part of me knows that it won’t help. Yes, there will be more parking. Yes, you ass munchers will have room to spread out in the store. But it also means that there will be MORE of you. I can handle you dick cheeses at Costco. Not so many of you there. Oh yes, I know you shop at Costco. How do I know? You don’t put your fucking carts away and you act like King Shit in the store as well.

I hate you all. You make me dread going to Whole Foods. I want to do nothing more than to spit on your car door handles. If I were a dude, I would happily piss on your oh so expensive (looking) wheels. Your children are just as unruly as the little nasty fucks in Wal-Mart, only cleaner and with the same “I’m so much better than you because I’m at Whole Foods” attitude as you.

I weep for future generation.

Die in an organic, soy based, ethically grown oat bran fueled fire.

Normal people who just want to pick up a little something from Whole Foods

I Break With Thee….

Dear Lamb’s Tire and Automotive on Braker Ln and 183,

I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee….

I brought my first car to you in 1992. Then my second in 1994. Then my third in 1999. And now my fourth. In those 19 years, I faithfully brought my cars to you for service and repairs. Over the years I watched your management change and get slowly worse over time. But, as the changes were so slow, I didn’t notice at first. But you began to do shit that annoyed me, like recommending service. I, stupidly, thought you were saying these things because you saw something was wrong, that needed repair or tending to. I soon realized that you were just spewing back whatever the computer said. And lately, you don’t even hide that fact and print recommendations directly from a website. I tuned these out. You also began recommending very pricey repairs and claiming that the car would break down at any moment. OH NOES! I took this car (thankfully not mine) to a different shop since your quote was just too high. This shop wouldn’t take our money. Why? Because that OMG SO IMPORTANT repair? Yeah, wasn’t so important or dire at all. In fact, it was never done. Because it wasn’t needed. That is when I decided, “okay, you guys are relegated to oil changes and inspections only.” How was I to know that you would do your best to fuck that up too?

1/3/2011: I brought my car to you for an oil change.
4/22/2011: I brought my car to a place closer to my house because I was short on time for a simple oil change and inspection. On the receipt (which I didn’t really look at until a couple days later), they tell me there was NO OIL ON THE DIPSTICK. Excuse me? I’ve been running my car for 3.5 months on little to no oil? What. The. Fuck.
4/29/2011: I come to you, calmly but still incredibly pissed, and asked “what the fuck?” See, I started hearing noises. Maybe they had always been there, but having JUST PAID OFF MY CAR, any little noise has me jumpy. This noise? coming from the engine. Did I throw a bearing? A rod? You perform a check. No noises heard, of course. But you claim that there is a drip on my oil plug and suggest that was the problem (and that I should get that replaced!). WHAT. You’ve been tending this particular car since 2006. Every time I’ve come in I hear “great car, great condition.” but now, suddenly there’s a slow, slow drip that caused 5 quarts of oil to drain with no sign (no puddle, no stains anywhere) in 3.5 months? A car with no known leaks suddenly ate 5 quarts of oil in 3.5 months? Is that really likely? You are really handing me that as an explanation? You tell me, what’s more likely: a perfectly good car with no leaks (because your hyper vigilance surely would have spotted it long before now, right?) suddenly using  and leaking (with no trace!) inordinate amounts of oil? Or Joe Bob NOT FINISHING THE GODDAMN OIL CHANGE?

So, in short, fuck you Lamb’s Automotive. I gave you 19 years of my money. You get no more.

Cats are not toddlers

Nope. No they are not. Cats may ACT like insolent toddlers but they most certainly are not human toddler type beings. I know this. I’ve known this for quite some time. A few decades, at least. So why am I writing this? I found my self yelling at a friend’s cat like he was a child. Let me tell you a little about Lincoln.

He’s a cat. He’s an adorable cat. Beautiful markings, good temperament, eats his food, likes scritches. All that jazz. But, like many of his species, he’s a little asshole. It all started when he was a kitten. He was introduced into a house with two older cats. Sorry, Cats. Capital C. The older two Cats are very calm, well behaved, harbored no hate in their heart, just a love of scritches. And puking. God, the puking. But I digress. Lincoln was a high energy kitten. These older Cats were sedentary and rather set in their ways. So when this little high speed ball of fur showed up, not being still, getting into everything and–most importantly–GNAWING ON THE OTHER MALE CATS’ NUTS they were more than a little perturbed. Discombobulated if you will. Pissed. I and his owners shrugged it off as “he’s a kitten. he’ll grow out of it.” Well, he grew, but not out of it. See, cats don’t go from “aww lookit da pretty  little kitteh” to “hey wow, look at this nice laid back Cat” in one go. Oh. Hell. No. They must pass though Asshole Teenage Kitty phase first.  Asshole Teenage Kitty phase is usually from 4 months to 18 months. Sometimes until they are 3 to 4 years old. Sometimes never. Fuck.

To be fair, Lincoln has gotten sooooo much better. But to everyone who has watched him grow up, he’s still the Li’l Asshole. He still picks fights with the other Cats (see how much more dignified that is?) every so often, he still feels the need to run laps around the house, and he still plays just as enthusiastically as he did before. At the height of his assholeishness he managed to shred entire toilet paper rolls. No big thing right? Yeah, he’s declawed. You might call bullshit on that but I saw it with my own eyes and I was convinced right then and there his owners were going to sell him for medical experiments (they didn’t, they never would have, but he was such a terror I just knew his days were numbered). That little fucker managed to shred a roll of toilet paper with declawed paws and his teeth. If that fucker grows thumbs, we’re all in trouble.

Anyway, the whole point to this post was to tell you that while cat sitting, Lincoln was roaming around the house looking for his people. Or being annoying. Take your pick. He just would not shut up, even if I talked back to him.

Lincoln: Miiiaawww (he’s whiney. even in his meows)
Me: Lincoln! (singsong come here voice)
Lincoln: Miiiiiaaaawww (oh god where are they my world is ending)
Me: Lincoln! Come here kitty kitty kitty!
Lincoln: Miiiiiaaaawww (you know, i just really like the sound of my own voice)
Cat 1 [looking at me]:  (shut him up please)
Cat 2 [giving absolutely no fucks]: (all day with his shit. I’m just glad he quit biting my nuts.)
Me: For fucks sake, cat, come here so I can pet you!
Lincoln: Miiiiiaaaawww (fuck youuuuuuuuuu)

Fed up, I swear to god I did this, I turned in his direction and yelled “Holy Shit, Lincoln, SHUT UP and behave or I’m going to tell your people how you were being a bad boy!” Reply? “Miaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooowwwww.” Yeah, see how that didn’t work?

He eventually “found me” and flopped just out of arms reach and meowed again. Really? Why do cats do this. You want me to pet you then stay juuuust out of reach. Bastards. Turns out he wanted to play. Oh so the “oh my god my world is over” crying means “hey, get that dangly thing with the feather on it and play with me” ? Jesus. Well, shit, man if you had come in to the room and stayed still for 5 seconds, your problem would have been solved. Twilight loving teenage girls are easier to understand than this cat. Oh, that same cry also means “holy shit you’re in the kitchen and I think you have a can, that’s FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD! I have never seen food in my life! Give it! Give it now!” It also means “pick my heavy ass up and carry me around the house”. Yes, really. Pick him up and hold him to your chest when he’s feeling especially lonely and he’ll shut up. He looks around like a king surveying his land and you are merely his vehicle, smug little bastard that he is. Hey, just like a toddler!

So, maybe cats are toddlers. Or maybe more like drunken angry midgets. They run around doing stupid shit, getting yelled at, yelling back, sometimes imbibing until they hurl. Ever wind up a little kid who’s had too much cake at a party? Yup. *giggle*giggle*hurl* Do that to a drunk. Same results. Do it to a cat. Less puke to clean.

The Krampus

Why don’t we have The Krampus? Seriously. When the Americans were cherry picking Christmas traditions from the Europeans, why did they leave out Krampus? Yeah, he’s kinda scary looking, but fucking hell. He serves a purpose! krampus1Look at that motherfucker! Do you know why he’s linked to Christmas? He’s what shows up when you’re a bad kid. Not “Santa brings you shitty presents or coal”, not “Santa won’t bring you shit”. Oh no. This bad ass demon thing shows up and beats your ass with birch switches. On Christmas. Yes, Billy. You get an ass whooping for Christmas. What better way to scare kids into not being little shitheads. And in some cultures, Krampus will TAKE YOUR SHITHEAD KIDS AWAY. Yeah, see? Better not pout, better not cry, better not shout, or you’ll never see your family again and you’ll have a sore ass.

So yeah, BRING ON THE KRAMPUS, Americans! Quit being such pussies!