I watch far too many children’s television for my own good. When you find yourself describing the plot to a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic episode because you found it particularly funny, you are watching too many cartoons.

Now, for kids network, Hub and Cartoon Network show a surprisingly large amount of adult oriented commercials. Not “Girl Gone Wild” or KY or anything like that. I mean stuff like Mesothelioma lawsuits, vaginal mesh lawsuits, and Gerber Life commercials.

I get it. You’re a stay at home parent or the kid is home sick. Whatever the case, you’re stuck watching a lot of kids shows. So yeah, why not advertise to the captive masses? But this goddamn Gerber Life commercial. It seems pretty dumb. Parents are sitting around discussing….I dunno diaper rash. And one says “So, has anyone started saving for college?” A chorus of “no” all around. That’s perfectly normal. You suddenly have this crawling, stinky thing that you now have to care for. You’re more concerned about getting through the day with him/her intact than about what might or might happen 18 years down the road.

But then the black couple speaks up. “Oh we’ve started!” Hey cool! That’s pretty neat! Nice little multi-ethnic (not) group, you show the non-white people not looking like idiots. Nice! Until someone responds “How? I don’t even know where to start!” REALLY? You don’t know where to start a college fund for your kid? Have you tried…your bank? Or an investment firm? How about fucking GOOGLE?!? Here, I’ll do it for you: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=starting+a+college+fund

So, once the black couple finishes their sales spiel about Gerber Grow Up plan or whatever they finish with “and the money can be used for something else if she decides not to go to college.” I thought that was a fabulous idea. Until Mr. Obnoxious McChucklefuck pipes up with “Hey, I’ll definitely look into that” turn to his kid and says “Because you’re DEFINITELY going to college.” Hearty chortles all around. Because MY kid is going to college! Because that’s what white people do. Black people apparently give no fucks. I wouldn’t dare of letting my special snowflake NOT go to college. You can let your little underachieving fuck blow all that cash on meth. My kid IS GOING TO COLLEGE.

What, really? You can see the future? Did you know that not everybody is cut out for college? And that your little shit might be one of them who just fucks around for a year at some high priced university (that YOU forced him to go to, fuck state university, right?) bringing home a drug addiction (need that Ritalin and Oxy to dull the pain, ya know?), sexual assault charges (she totally said yes), and a 0.0 GPA.

Or, what if yeah, your bundle of joy DOES decide to go to college and WHAM, Cancer? Or schizophrenia (commonly pops up around 19 years old). With the way healthcare is going in this country, you sure as fuck don’t have the money to pay for what insurance won’t cover. Where’s that money going to come from? Re-mortgage the house? Liquidate your retirement plan (you can figure out how to save for retirement but you can’t figure out how to start a motherfucking college fund???) That Grow Up plan money is looking pretty sweet by that point, isn’t it?

So, fuck you Mr. Obnoxious McChucklefuck.

Christ I hate this commercial.