Dear AT&T,

I subscribe to your services. Some services I hardly use but feel I must have because, frankly, it’s just weird to not have a proper landline. Anyway, I subscribe to your services. Multiple services. So why is it that I have to go through two different portals to pay my bills? Why are they not fucking combined on one bill? I almost understand when it comes to wireless. It was SBC Wireless (or Mobility, whatever) in this area but Bell-whatthefuckever somewhere else and when you combined to form the mighty juggernaut you are today (just like you were back in the day), you had to absorb all the little baby Bells and their billing. This created a horrible monstrosity that has become your wireless billing. Even though you offer perhaps the best 3G coverage in my area, I am far too frightened of getting fucked and fighting every month (happened to my mom with a PREPAID ACCOUNT) to even think of going with you guys for wireless. But for landline, long distance, internet, and tv, you’ve been okay and everything has been one big happy online-payable bill (the bill format itself has not changed since I was a child. it is literally the ASCII text of the old paper bills from the 70’s with some hyperlinks).

Then, I decided to get U-verse for internet.

So now, I still have my long distance, tv (Dish), and landline on one bill, one portal with a specific due date. And another separate, differently coded portal (with a different user/pass) to pay the internet bill with a DIFFERENT due date. Even though U-verse is tracked by my landline phone number. Why? Why is this, AT&T? You have THREE DIFFERENT PORTALS. Why does the login link for internet/tv/phone take you to a different login page than the “make a payment” button? Why does my phone bill contain a link urging me to see if I can get U-Verse? I HAVE U-Verse! It’s tied to that goddamn number!


Please fix. k thx bye.

Oh, to my readers who will simply cry “Oh you should use Time Warner! you can get everything on one bill and they handle all of it!” I hate Time Warner. They sodomized my cats and molested my parakeet I had when I was 8. They also drive by my house and moon me and send me lewd voicemail messages*.

*may or may not be true, I just really fucking hate them.