Category: football

Open Letters to the NFL: Week 3

Dear Atlanta “I don’t even know what happened” Falcons,


Oh my fucking GOD that was painful to watch. Well, no. No it wasn’t. IT WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC.
I was a little angry I didn’t put in Matt Ryan (26 points) but it turned out well in the end (Andrew Luck: 36 points!).

I love you.



Dear Dallas “Fuck Jerry all day” Cowboys,

I can’t count on you fucks to do anything right. As I’ve said before, when I expect you to win, you shit the bed. When I expect you to lose, you fucking win somehow. And Sunday was definitely a “win somehow”. I’m impressed that you came back from such a large deficit. But I just can’t be happy about any win you guys get anymore. I can’t do it. You know why. Fix that one problem and you have me back.


Dear Pittsburgh “Aluminum Curtain” Steelers,

Better. Even better now that you got Harrison back for week 4.


Dear New England “I’m rich, bitch” Patriots,

You struggled. Against the goddamn Raiders. It is safe to say that your dynasty is long over. I’m sticking Jimmy’s fork in it.


Dear Detroit “Mad Max Times” Lions,

I don’t want to jinx you! Keep it up!


Dear Houston “really shitty name” Texans,

What’s wrong? What’s happening to you? Please don’t be utter shit this year. Please don’t have a Cowboys season. I can’t take the ups and downs.


Dear Cincinnati “holy shit you put WHAT on your spaghetti?” Bengals,

You’re undefeated. YOU’RE UNDEFEATED. I have no words. *slow clap*


Dear Indianapolis “I got nothing” Colts,

Jesus Christ. What you did to the Jags is almost as good as what the Falcons did to the Bucs. But you helped my fantasy league and I appreciate it. Just be consistent.


Dear Denver “the fuck is wrong with you” Broncos,

Are you and the Packers allergic to the fucking Seahawks? What the shit is wrong with the two of you?? YOu guys come up against these horribly dressed clowns and just Cowboy all over the place. What the fuck? Peyton, you are billed as the best motherfucking quarterback in the goddamn league since time fucking began. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY. FIX. YO. SHIT.

Open Letters To The NFL: Week 1

Dear Cincinnati Bengals,

You are the feel good team of the season. You show that you are made up of actual human beings that give a shit about their fellow human beings. Thank You.

Dear Green Bay Packers,

Are you allergic to Seattle? Is there some mental block there? WHat the fuck happened to you guys? I can’t take another loss to Seattle anymore. Has the Fail Mary game shaken your faith this much? You are a winning team. A strong team. Act like it and take those clowns down.

Dear Seattle Seahawks,

Goddamn I hate you guys. I hate you even more when I have your QB, receiver, and kicker on my fantasy team. That burns me up to no end. Just…FUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!

Dear Detroit Loins,

I love you so very much. That was a fantastic game. I think you guys might actually have a shot. You have come so far from the 0-16 team you were not too long ago. That was the ultimate rebuilding year. Thank you for being awesome. Keep it up.

Dear Pittsburg Steelers,

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU? It was the motherfucking BROWNS. You lost an ENORMOUS lead! You Cowboy’d that right the fuck up! I have never seen so much December Romo wearing black and yellow. Goddamn. That was a fucking disgrace. Get your shit together.

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

I watched all of that shitty travesty of a farce of a game. Jesus fucking christ. What is wrong with you? I don’t even have the words to express how upset by that bullshit.



Dear Houston Texans,

You still have a horrible name but your defense is fan-fucking-tastic. Get well soon, Jadeveon!

Dear Atlanta Falcons,

I’m sorry. I really am. I have Matt Ryan sitting on my bench. Which means I left 34 goddamn points on my bench. I hope you continue this ass kicking trend.

Dear Indianapolis Colts,

What the fuck guys. What. The. Fuck. Don’t let that big forehead havin’ motherfucker rattle you! This is YOUR team now, Luck! ACT LIKE IT.

Dear Roger Goodell,

Just go.

The Manning Brothers

So this is a thing that happened:


And if you recall, this was a thing that happened last year:

I have a feeling these things will keep happening. And I am okay with it.

Open Letters to the NFL: Preaseason Week 1

Dear Cowboys,

Well, you certainly Cowboy’d that.


Dear Texans,

Oh dear lord. What…what was that? And then to add insult to injury, the shit cherry on top, a safety? Goddamn. Rebuilding year? Rebuilding year. Fucking hell, don’t do that again, please. I can’t take it.

Open Letters to the NFL: Preseason opener, HOF Game

There was football on last night. Real live honest to god football. YAY!


I missed Al Michaels. I really did. I also got to see the ridiculously tall goal posts. Why did they raise them? Too many kickers would kick it way over and it made it hard to tell if it was in or out.


What? Hey, if you kick it in such a way that it’s too questionable? Fuck you, no points.

So, I hesitate to call the Giants “good.” last night. I mean, they were playing the Bills and were tied at one point. So… I’m hoping they have a better showing in the regular season.


Anyway, football is back. Arena league, CFL, NASCAR, and soccer just weren’t cutting it.

Open Letters: AFC Championship

Dear Broncos,

Christ, I hate your color scheme so much. I never gave a damn about you guys until Manning came along. Sorry, but it’s the truth. But, you gave me a great game yesterday. Thank you for sticking it to Brady.


Dear Patriots,


Suck it, Brady!

Open Letters: NFC Conference Championship Post Game Wrap Up FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Dear 49ers,



Dear 49ers’s Harbaugh,

It’s because you changed from front pleats to flat front. GO BACK TO THE PLEATS!


Dear Seattle Seahawks and your very own troll Richard Sherman,

Again, you have proven yourselves to be rude, arrogant and completely unsportsman-like. To quote Rudy from Fat Albert: You are like school in the summertime. No class.

You sons of bitches have none. Zero. Zilch. Golden “Showers” Tate and your coach proved it last season. Richard Sherman proved it last night. Yeah, great, Sherman and Crabtree hate each other. That’s what makes football awesome. Real, deep , personal rivalries give us, the viewers, a little something to chew on. But when you take it to the level Sherman The Asshat did, it’s just disgusting. What is it that veteran players say? “Act like you’ve been here before!”

Sherman’s little act on the field was in poor taste (worthless penalty). Sherman’s act in front of Erin Andrews was fucking disgusting. Had I been watching WWE, I would have laughed and cheered. But since this is supposed to be a real professional sport, I just hung my head in shame. I prayed for his momma (shit ANYBODY’S momma) to show up out of nowhere and slap him upside his fool head.

Yeah, I hate the “both teams played well” bullshit that comes after every game, too. But holy fucking shit, dude. You took it way too fucking far. Instead of being the “hero” of the game, Sherman will be remembered for acting like a fucking arrogant asshole. You are the Kanye of the NFL. And I don’t mean that in a good way (Because, seriously, fuck Kanye). You are the rambling, swole-headed, shitbag who can’t stop beating his chest over and over to let everyone know how great he is.

Be excited you did well, but don’t be such a fucking douche-nozzle about it.

Act like you been here before.


Dear Referees of Last Night’s Niners-Seahawks Game,

Fired. Every single one of you deserves to be fired. Literally fired. Like from a cannon, fired. Lit on fire fired.

What is your problem with officiating in fucking Seattle? Why is every major game such a shitshow? Niners had the goddamn ball. How in the FUCK could you even dare to call it Seattle’s ball? I saw it, the crowd saw it, motherfucking Stevie Wonder saw it. And you call the play unreviewable and unchallengable. How?

One day, Harbaugh is gonna drop dead right there on the sidelines in Seattle and it’ll be your fault. Because you can’t figure out just what in the shit you’re doing.

Fuck you guys.

Open Letters: NFC Conference Championship Pre-game

Dear San Francisco 49ers,

I know that I recently said some disparaging things about California NFL teams. If you read the post, you will see that I was most definitely not talking about you guys. With that said, please, please, please for the love of all that is right in the world, please beat the fuck out of Seattle. Please. I want to see ANYONE on the Niners jam a football right down Golden Tate’s shitty, no class havin’ throat. I mean just cram it right down his gullet. Same for their coach. Fuck him all day, too. You motherfuckers knew you didn’t have that ball and play was called wrong!

Sorry. A little Ref-gate flashback.

But yes, please beat the fuck out of these shitbirds in their house.

Thank you.

Dear Los Angeles,

Let me reiterate: YOU GET NO TEAM! You motherfuckers had THREE GODDAMN TEAMS and you couldn’t keep nary a single one. If a kid breaks a moderately expensive toy three fucking times do you keep buying him new ones? HELL FUCK NO. You can’t keep what you’re given so no, no more teams for you. No new expansion team, no existing team moves. Not even Jacksonville. No. Fuck you. Deal with it.And even if you DID get a team, it would be just as pansy and cupcake as the goddamn the Chargers.

Oh the Chargers. Screw the Chargers. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not like Fuck the Seahawks. That level of hate is reserved for Time Warner, Goodell, Rick Perry and Jerry Jones. No, this is low level “ugh, screw the Chargers”. You have a weak name and and weak background for a name. “… general manager, Frank Leahy, picked the Chargers name when he purchased an AFL franchise for Los Angeles: “I liked it because they were yelling ‘charge’ and sounding the bugle at Dodgers Stadium and at USC games.”” This has got to be the lamest, most milquetoast background for an NFL team name ever. And we’re talking about a league that has a team named the Browns named after the goddamn owner. When I hear the name “Chargers” I don’t think of a strong team. You have a lightning bolt on your helmets, for fucks sake. The hell is that? You think you have power? Is that what that is? Weak sauce, man.

And any other team coming out of that area will also be seen as babied and weak. An L.A. team? What are you going to be? The Lattes? The 404? The Airport Hub? What? There is no strength in a California team anymore. You have the 49ers which on the surface sounds kinda pansy, but 49ers were grizzled fucks who went in search of gold. They had to be hard core to survive the claim jumping and fights and all that other shit I see in westerns and Looney Tunes cartoons. Then you got the Raiders. Their first name was the Señors. Then they wised up and said “oh fuck no” and changed the name 9 days later to the Raiders. That says strength. That says rough and tumble. That says “bitch we about to fuck you up.” Chargers? Not so much.

And what if you do manage to get an expansion team? Do you know what that means? That means Jerry fucking Jones gets his wish. He wants more teams so that playoffs are extended so that the Cowboys have a better shot at making it into the playoffs. Do you really want that? Do you want to make Jerry Jones HAPPY? The fuck kind of monster are you?

And while we’re at it, Goodell wants expansion teams in fucking London. That’s fucking Europe. If that’s true THEN WHY IN THE FUCK DID THEY DISBAND NFL EUROPE IN THE FIRST GODDAMN PLACE?? Rebuilding by starting with the U.K.? Infect them with the same NFL sickness we have? By having Jacksonville (motherfucking JACKSONVILLE???) have 4 “home” games over the next 4 years in London? Holy shit, that is NOT the way to get anyone to watch this sport! Just fucking stop with this nonsense.

We don’t need any more teams in this goddamn league and we sure as FUCK don’t need one in London or L.A. London has done noting to deserve the punishment and L.A. can’t keep track of anything it’s given so fuck ’em.

This post brought to you by a tasty as fuck drink called the Mia Tini from that there wing place off’n Howard Ln.

Dear Five Dollar Football,

It is sad to think that now that I finally got the hang of this fantasy football thing it’s come to an end. This was the first year that I made it to playoffs (so did everyone else. Shut up.). This was the first year I was not dead last or second to last. I was quite proud of how I did even though it took me far too long to drop RG3. I believe I scored the most points in a season than I ever have in the past. I was looking very much forward to applying what I learned to next year’s league but it seems that is not to be. 🙁 We had some good times. And it only cost me $5. Whee.

Dear ESPN League that only had one other person that I knew,

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I WON THE LEAGUE! WHOOP WHOOP! Texans defense, never change.