Dear Atlanta “I don’t even know what happened” Falcons,


Oh my fucking GOD that was painful to watch. Well, no. No it wasn’t. IT WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC.
I was a little angry I didn’t put in Matt Ryan (26 points) but it turned out well in the end (Andrew Luck: 36 points!).

I love you.



Dear Dallas “Fuck Jerry all day” Cowboys,

I can’t count on you fucks to do anything right. As I’ve said before, when I expect you to win, you shit the bed. When I expect you to lose, you fucking win somehow. And Sunday was definitely a “win somehow”. I’m impressed that you came back from such a large deficit. But I just can’t be happy about any win you guys get anymore. I can’t do it. You know why. Fix that one problem and you have me back.


Dear Pittsburgh “Aluminum Curtain” Steelers,

Better. Even better now that you got Harrison back for week 4.


Dear New England “I’m rich, bitch” Patriots,

You struggled. Against the goddamn Raiders. It is safe to say that your dynasty is long over. I’m sticking Jimmy’s fork in it.


Dear Detroit “Mad Max Times” Lions,

I don’t want to jinx you! Keep it up!


Dear Houston “really shitty name” Texans,

What’s wrong? What’s happening to you? Please don’t be utter shit this year. Please don’t have a Cowboys season. I can’t take the ups and downs.


Dear Cincinnati “holy shit you put WHAT on your spaghetti?” Bengals,

You’re undefeated. YOU’RE UNDEFEATED. I have no words. *slow clap*


Dear Indianapolis “I got nothing” Colts,

Jesus Christ. What you did to the Jags is almost as good as what the Falcons did to the Bucs. But you helped my fantasy league and I appreciate it. Just be consistent.


Dear Denver “the fuck is wrong with you” Broncos,

Are you and the Packers allergic to the fucking Seahawks? What the shit is wrong with the two of you?? YOu guys come up against these horribly dressed clowns and just Cowboy all over the place. What the fuck? Peyton, you are billed as the best motherfucking quarterback in the goddamn league since time fucking began. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY. FIX. YO. SHIT.

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