Dear Los Angeles,

Let me reiterate: YOU GET NO TEAM! You motherfuckers had THREE GODDAMN TEAMS and you couldn’t keep nary a single one. If a kid breaks a moderately expensive toy three fucking times do you keep buying him new ones? HELL FUCK NO. You can’t keep what you’re given so no, no more teams for you. No new expansion team, no existing team moves. Not even Jacksonville. No. Fuck you. Deal with it.And even if you DID get a team, it would be just as pansy and cupcake as the goddamn the Chargers.

Oh the Chargers. Screw the Chargers. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not like Fuck the Seahawks. That level of hate is reserved for Time Warner, Goodell, Rick Perry and Jerry Jones. No, this is low level “ugh, screw the Chargers”. You have a weak name and and weak background for a name. “… general manager, Frank Leahy, picked the Chargers name when he purchased an AFL franchise for Los Angeles: “I liked it because they were yelling ‘charge’ and sounding the bugle at Dodgers Stadium and at USC games.”” This has got to be the lamest, most milquetoast background for an NFL team name ever. And we’re talking about a league that has a team named the Browns named after the goddamn owner. When I hear the name “Chargers” I don’t think of a strong team. You have a lightning bolt on your helmets, for fucks sake. The hell is that? You think you have power? Is that what that is? Weak sauce, man.

And any other team coming out of that area will also be seen as babied and weak. An L.A. team? What are you going to be? The Lattes? The 404? The Airport Hub? What? There is no strength in a California team anymore. You have the 49ers which on the surface sounds kinda pansy, but 49ers were grizzled fucks who went in search of gold. They had to be hard core to survive the claim jumping and fights and all that other shit I see in westerns and Looney Tunes cartoons. Then you got the Raiders. Their first name was the Señors. Then they wised up and said “oh fuck no” and changed the name 9 days later to the Raiders. That says strength. That says rough and tumble. That says “bitch we about to fuck you up.” Chargers? Not so much.

And what if you do manage to get an expansion team? Do you know what that means? That means Jerry fucking Jones gets his wish. He wants more teams so that playoffs are extended so that the Cowboys have a better shot at making it into the playoffs. Do you really want that? Do you want to make Jerry Jones HAPPY? The fuck kind of monster are you?

And while we’re at it, Goodell wants expansion teams in fucking London. That’s fucking Europe. If that’s true THEN WHY IN THE FUCK DID THEY DISBAND NFL EUROPE IN THE FIRST GODDAMN PLACE?? Rebuilding by starting with the U.K.? Infect them with the same NFL sickness we have? By having Jacksonville (motherfucking JACKSONVILLE???) have 4 “home” games over the next 4 years in London? Holy shit, that is NOT the way to get anyone to watch this sport! Just fucking stop with this nonsense.

We don’t need any more teams in this goddamn league and we sure as FUCK don’t need one in London or L.A. London has done noting to deserve the punishment and L.A. can’t keep track of anything it’s given so fuck ’em.

This post brought to you by a tasty as fuck drink called the Mia Tini from that there wing place off’n Howard Ln.

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