I was born in 1975, I grew up in the 80’s, I remember a lot of shit. I used to watch the Grammys and the American Music Awards every year (and the MTV Music Awards). One day I stopped. No reason, there was just better stuff on. One year I flipped over to see that I recognized very few of these children they called “artists”. Who were these damn kids and why the fuck won’t the get off my lawn? Last night, I noticed that the Grammys had awards for Album of the Year, Record of the Year (what?) and Song of the Year. I was confused. Very confused. Isn’t a record the same as an album? These fucking kids wouldn’t know a record if it bit them in the godddamn ass and then tweeted about it. Then I thought “maybe Record of the year means recording and it took the place of Song of the Year.” Then they announced song of the year and I grew even more confused and now angry. Because I was confused. It was past my bedtime and I don’t know what in the hell an Arcade Fire is or why they were sending viewers into seizures with their big ass strobe lights!

Anyway, I go to look up just what the hell is the difference between these awards. Fine, you lazy bastards:

  • Record of the Year is awarded for a single or for one track from an album. This award goes to the performing artist, the producer, recording engineer, and/or mixer for that song. In this sense, “record” means a recording of one song, not the composition or an album of songs. Often, the nominees and winners of this song represent the most successful songs of the year.

  • Album of the Year is awarded for a whole album, and the award is presented to the artist, producer, recording engineer, and mastering engineer for that album. So, in this context, “album” means a recorded collection of songs (a multi-track LP, CD, or download package), not the individual songs or their compositions.

  • Song of the Year is also awarded for a single or individual track, but the recipient of this award is the songwriter who actually created the song in the first place. Thus, “song” in this context means the song as written, not its recording.

Also on that page are the winners of every Record of the Year since 1959. I have heard some of the ones from the 60’s and 70’s. I can sing for you at least a part of every song if not the entire thing complete with dance number of the winner and nominees from the 80’s and the 90’s. The 2000’s is where it starts to fall apart. I knew more nominees than the winners. In 2008 I was wondering who the hell Rhianna was and why should I give a fuck about her umbrella. But for the year 2009, I could not tell you what the hell the songs were. I recognized 2 artists. Out of 5. Seriously. Go to the page and see how old and out of touch it makes you feel (or how young and ignorant of U.S. musical history GODDAMMIT YOU NEED TO CARE ABOUT SUZANNE VEGA! “LUKA” SHOULD BE REQUIRED STUDY IN EVERY CLASSROOM!)