If you actually know me, then you know I wait (impatiently) for this day. The day of all days. Black Friday. Thanksgiving, sure. See family, talk, laugh, eat, plan, eat, plan, eat, plan. It’s fun. How early are you leaving? What are you looking for? Don’t get that, it’s piece of shit! It’s fun! I make my list (have been for a month) of what I’m going to get and where. Whether it’s out during the day or online the Thursday before. This is what I do.

So for me to say that this was the worst is kind of a big thing.

Let’s start with Thursday: Very little family. I was disappointed. A chunk of the Ft Worth people couldn’t make it due to car trouble. Fine. Not their fault, shit happens.Grump. We ate. we watched football. There was weird cold drama that resulted in a weird mini explosion about a $15 can opener I swear to god. So Thursday was just weird as hell.

I sit Thursday and plan, and order stuff from amazon like I always do. Then I go to Best Buy online. There’s a camera bundle. Right there. For the ordering. Best Buy will ship it to me at that BF price. Nah, says I. Last year you could stroll in at like 6pm Friday and buy it [BAD MOVE].

I ask my mom if she’s going out with me. Last year she didn’t. It was a bit lonely but I got stuff done. My sister dropped out years ago. There’s nothing worth going out. But she asks where I’m going. I name some places then say “then I’ll head to Barton Creek Mall.” She says “well, I’ll do that. can you come get me and your other aunt? She likes to shop!” YEAH! That’ll be cool! I don’t get to see this aunt very often so FUCK YEAH! “Okay, I’ll come get you about 9am.” SWEET!

I get home at 1:30am. Then immediately buy a Thing because SOMEONE didn’t give me their list until Thursday. Set my alarm for 6:15 and sleep the sleep of the half dead. Get up bright and early, have a protein shake! The plan:
1) Blitz Target. This is where I usually get the stuff I’m looking for.
2) Head up the highway to Blitz Best Buy for that camera bundle and other Thing.
3) Head further up the highway to meander to the outlet mall and wander. See what’s what. I have no specific stores in mind because my list is fairly short.
4) Meander back down south, hit some shops or not.
5) Go home to do a package dump, eat a little something, take my pills
6) Go get mom and aunt.


Target: Fuck you Target. The one goddamn thing I wanted, that they have 364 days of the year, THEY DID NOT HAVE. Not sold out, just NOT THERE. No tag, no shelf space. Bought $35 of stuff. I usually do over $100 on BF. It was empty but I dunno. That vibe was just all wrong.

Get to my car. FLAT FUCKING TIRE. Fuuuuuck. NTB is right up the street. It is now 7:15. They open at 7:30 (thank god!) and about 45 minutes later I’m all patched and done and I have had breakfast far too early but now I’m OFF SCHEDULE. Run to Best Buy.

No one is working cameras. NO. ONE. Because they are horrible people. It doesn’t seem very busy but where the hell is anyone? Three of us kinda want that bundle. One guy is dithering and I want to kill him. He spent 10 minutes trying to convince me to get the other bundle (other bundle < what I want) then changes his mind 15 times. The worker finally appears and I let the guy go first since he was here first. Once he’s done dithering, he at least says “oh hey, can you check that bundle for both of us?” Nice enough. I also throw in “and I also need Thing B.”

Worker goes to back and returns empty handed. No bundles. That’s fine. Where’s Thing B that I asked for? “Oh yeah”. Okay, look, maybe if they had been open since the day before I could understand being out of it. But they closed at midnight and reopened at 8am. Fuck him. He leaves and comes back I go stand in line. There are 2 people in front of me and all 4 checkstands are occupied. Fine. But no one can figure out how to scan item, swipe card, bag item, leave. I don’t know what in the fuck is taking so long. Jesus Christ. I get to a counter. Thing B is in a security box. THAT HE CAN’T OPEN. The tool won’t work. Then it starts alarming. Loudly. He gets someone else to open it. Fine. I pay I leave and MOTOR to MY HOUSE to drop off one sad little bag and take my pills and pee.

Now I’m hauling ass to my mom’s house because to me, I’m late. it’s after 9. Dammit! Get to my mom’s house and to their credit, they’re ready. Sweet. Then I say “I gotta check your best buy” Sure, they said! Her Best Buy is packed like crazy. And someone is working cameras! Yay! “Hey you got that bundle?” “Er, no, but we have the parts and can build it!” SWEET. I have 2 employees and a manager building this bundle. All working together to get this sale. Yeah. No. As they gather parts it is becoming increasing clear that they cannot do this. This cable is never sold alone, they never have it in stock, the bag is a special branded bag that doesn’t have a SKU. The bundle itself is a different SKU. The computers will not even let them see if anyone else has it or even try to build the bundle. They are very apologetic and I appreciate that they tried. But then they ruined it. “Well, I can sell you the Thing and the memory.” Well no shit you can sell me the fucking thing alone! I reply “Do you see how that’s not remotely the same thing?” I shrug and walk off. As I walk off, there’s a cardboard display stand. Full of Thing Bs. No security box in sight. *sigh* Grumpy because I could have ordered the goddamn thing the day before and not worried, we pile in the car and head to the mall.


Mom and aunt haven’t eaten breakfast. Cool. I say “hey, upstairs is the food court. I’m gonna run to Gamestop [WRONG MOVE] and I’ll meet you up there!” Cool! A plan! I go to Gamestop. Fuck me running, I hate shopping at Gamestop and I never remember why until I get there. I circle the store looking for Thing. Could not find Thing so I ask “hey where is Thing? Did I miss it?” “Oh yeah, you did they are right here.” Nice! I pick up Thing and go to checkout.
Him: “Do you have a rewards card?”
Me: “No”
Him: “Would you like to sign up for one?”
Him: “No”

THIS IS WHERE IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED. But no, Bitchface McTrendyAss pipes up.

Bitchface: *GASP* (yes. a real live loud as fuck gasp) YOU DON’T WANT TO EARN POINTS?!?!?
Me: (not even looking up at her) NOPE!

Goddamn I hate that shit. It happens every goddamn time I go. No I don’t want your shitty rewards card. I never will. I have a momentary lack of judgement perhaps once every 12-18 months and find myself in your store. It is not worth it. Ever.


Upstairs to the food court I go. My mom and aunt went to Chik-Fil-A. It was packed. crazy packed. It’s fucking salty chicken, folks! ANyway. I just get a small fries and a small lemonade. That’s it. I hear around me people asking if they’re still serving breakfast [this is somehow important]. I hear yes and no and dithering. Whatever. Just gimme my damn fries. Guy hands me my bag and says “Here’s your order. Oh and a free chicken biscuit.” Oh hey thanks! Go to the table, unpack my stuff. My mom goes “what’s that?” “Oh I just ordered fries and he just said ‘here’s a free chicken biscuit.'” You would have thought that I said they were giving away cars to people specifically not my mom or my aunt or something. Both sides of me (mom and aunt) launch into “They said they weren’t selling breakfast! I didn’t want the sandwich I just wanted NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!” Jesus H Christ! I didn’t even want the fucking thing, holy shit! “TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE I’M NOT GONNA EAT IT!” is all I could say. We eat, they chime in every so often with “they said they weren’t serving breakfast!” Then. It happened. Two older women asked us if we were churchgoers. Er…whut? They asked what it meant when you could feel grief in your chest. Physically feel the grief. That’s when I realized where I get my gift of bullshit from. Each side of me got silent, then came forth the possible explanations. That were of course bullshit, meant only to placate. And this lady wasn’t hearing it. Everything to her was doom and gloom and FUCKING WEIRD. They eventually left as did we not knowing what in the actual fuck just happened.

JC Penney:
Every year for the last couple of years, I can find a brand of jeans I like on sale. They’re comfy, they fit, they stretch, they’re pretty hard wearing. This year? NOPE! One goddamn rack and none of them on sale. Now I’m hot and sweaty part because of the prednisone and part because Texas doesn’t know what the fuck. The high was in the 70’s and no one had the air running properly because it was somewhat chilly (NOT) overnight.

No one wants my money. Best Buy didn’t want it, JC Penney wanted to part of it. Who will take my money? THE LEGO STORE. They love me, right? We wander over and split up, me to the wonderful world of LEGO and my mom and aunt to Macy’s.

I love you. You took my money, happily. I am pleased.

Nothing was bought, I wasn’t looking for anything there. We looked at cookware. I think my mom wanted to buy some for my other aunt (the one being weird Thursday) until I said something. Let’s just say I related a comment from the night before and the fucking apocalypse happened.

Why? There’s nothing for me there. Or anyone. Overpriced, poor selection, just ugh.

Old Navy:
Shit I didn’t need. But it was half off the whole store. The American way, I tells ya.

So mall is done. Now we head to Southpark Meadows. This used to be an utdoor concert venue. Now it’s a big ass strip mall. Makes me sad. We hit the Target. My mom insists I keep saying there is an item here that she should look at. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The thing I want her to look at I would NEVER buy at Target. Because she’s thinking of cheap, no name brand Thing. A Thing you should NEVER BUY AS A NO NAME. Anyway. Again, they didn’t have Thing They Usually Have (bastards). They also didn’t have Other Thing I Was Looking For. But it’s Target and I still like Target. We hit the small appliances where the words “I’m not paying $15 for a can opener for her.” were uttered. This is a callback to the night before. The sight of a $15 can opener causes yet another mini apocalypse. I do not know what in the actual fuck is going on, but it’s both entertaining (not happening to me!) and disturbing. We hit another aisle and I see a thing my sister said she wanted because it was a good idea. I mention it to my mom. Previously I had told her about it and she said it wasn’t worth it. This day? She just threw it in the basket with a “Okay!” Mind boggled. We wander around the store when suddenly we see The Things. Like, tons of them. 10 of this huge one, 15 of this not so huge one, plenty of the $99 no name special, just tons. Almost as if no one knew about this Target but it was busier than others. Again, my mom makes a beeline for the No Name and I put my foot down. Because I’m the one who’s gotta hear it when shit breaks! I think she finally gets it because she says “well, what price range should I look for?” when I tell her, she like “okay fine.” Then we see it. A stack of name brand Thing. She rushes to make sure she has her card, I rush to my phone to make sure it’s not crap. It’s not. Someone has scored a pretty nice Thing.


We leave. And I can’t help it. There’s a Best Buy. I had to try.

Best Buy #3:
Short and sweet.
Me: Do you have bundle?
Her: We might. *calls in over radio* Nope, we sold out yesterday.
Me: okay, thanks
Her: But we do have the Nikon–
Me: Nope.
Her: Alrighty then.
Me: thanks anyway.

In and out in 5 minutes. WITH NOTHING.

I drop people off, I get hair done, get home and start surfing. I go to Canon’s site. The bundle deal? Yeah, that’s an across the board Black Friday deal. It was available from ANY CANON DEALER. Meaning, I could have ordered directly from the site. I do! And they’re sold out. FUCK! But the better Thing is on sale too. Well, I don’t wanna pay that much. I hem and haw. Then see they have massive discounts of refurbs. Yeah. I managed to get a better thing, same accessories, for about the same goddamn price, free shipping direct from Canon, AND I used a cash back site so I’m getting $13 back. Fuck you, Best Buy!

Somehow, every Black Friday, I get home tired and shopped out. I shower, relax, maybe nap. Then head to Opal Divine’s for dinner with friends. Why Opal Divine’s? By the time dinner rolls around, I’m ready to SHOP MORE and feel the need to hit Fry’s to see the aftermath of the carnage. This year? Not so much carnage. Why? They did promo codes. Why in the fuck did they do that? You had to sign up online to get promo codes in your email that you had to show in store to get the prices. I don’t even know. It’s like they don’t want anyone to shop there. Why would you make it harder for people to shop there? What was wrong with having an ad and having people come into the store and buy shit? Big fail, Fry’s. Big fail.

Anyway. I get home and then proceeded to order everything for everyone imaginable. Knocked out 80% online between Thursday and Sunday.

Then Saturday happened. I was going to go to Lane Bryant to see if I could find a nice dress for a party and go to World Market because i like World Market. THIS WAS MY MOST SUCCESSFUL SHOPPING TRIP. Mom takes Friday, I claim Saturday. Planned to just look, found what I was looking for and then some. This. This was the feeling I was missing from Friday.

So, I’d like to give a huge shout out to all you asshole retailers who were open on Thursday and people who actually went out that day:
Hey. Screw you. You ruined it for the rest of us who like to go out on Friday. I’m not talking about “oh I didn’t get that deal” because screw that camping out crap. I mean just being out in it. You guys made it suck. It was simply no fun. It really wasn’t. And it made me sad.

So, good job, jerkfaces.

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